Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent
Hands up if you've ever been told this....
Girly1998:
--- Quote from: Star_01 on October 15, 2019, 01:43:43 AM ---
--- Quote from: RPLguy on October 15, 2019, 01:28:55 AM ---So a question for the ladies...would sheer fear of being hurt again or not being healed from the last guy that hurt you and having a hard time trusting that a man who was treating you right be enough to make you fear actually stepping forward to explore the connection???
--- End quote ---
I would always give each guy a chance I meet. You can't tar everyone with the same brush or it'll never work out from the get go. Like if you get cheated on by someone, you can't assume everyone will and then go on to become clingy, possessive insecure and subsequently push the other person away. I certainly wouldn't basically throw someone else under a train and run off to protect myself but hurt them. That's selfish.
--- End quote ---
Same. I’ve never avoided someone for the fear of being hurt. I’ve had insecurities in relationships due to past experiences but I just ask for reassurance instead of running off.
Star_01:
--- Quote from: Girly1998 on October 15, 2019, 02:24:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: Star_01 on October 15, 2019, 01:43:43 AM ---
--- Quote from: RPLguy on October 15, 2019, 01:28:55 AM ---So a question for the ladies...would sheer fear of being hurt again or not being healed from the last guy that hurt you and having a hard time trusting that a man who was treating you right be enough to make you fear actually stepping forward to explore the connection???
--- End quote ---
I would always give each guy a chance I meet. You can't tar everyone with the same brush or it'll never work out from the get go. Like if you get cheated on by someone, you can't assume everyone will and then go on to become clingy, possessive insecure and subsequently push the other person away. I certainly wouldn't basically throw someone else under a train and run off to protect myself but hurt them. That's selfish.
--- End quote ---
Same. I’ve never avoided someone for the fear of being hurt. I’ve had insecurities in relationships due to past experiences but I just ask for reassurance instead of running off.
--- End quote ---
I'll always be upfront too and say look I'm wary because I've been hurt, let's take things slowly with each other and not rush into anything. If I feel like I can't do it I will be frank always and say it isn't for me and I don't want to waste the person's time, because that's what I'd hope for someone to do to me.
I have had a guy argue with me, block me then a month later come back and apologise for his actions and how it was too soon for him and he got scared as he wasn't ready and I appreciated that a bit more, as it was a month and for men it can take big balls to say they are sorry... But after 3 months I really begin to lose any sympathy.
Loulou:
Always hated these answers and it took me a long time to realise it’s all bullshit.
I’ve recently become involved with a guy that is constant and admits his fears for our connection and how scared it makes him.
So he sees me as worth it and makes so much time to express himself
So don’t listen. Sit with what makes you comfortable. Never hold on be
Cause a psychic says you should.
Loulou:
--- Quote from: RPLguy on October 15, 2019, 01:28:55 AM ---So a question for the ladies...would sheer fear of being hurt again or not being healed from the last guy that hurt you and having a hard time trusting that a man who was treating you right be enough to make you fear actually stepping forward to explore the connection???
--- End quote ---
Yes. I’ve had poi’s full on. Promises made to be let down. Then when a genuine guy came along my anxiety sent me to bed. I couldn’t cope. I almost ran away. Still on that verge of it too.
doubleoh8:
--- Quote from: Loulou on October 15, 2019, 05:52:22 AM ---
--- Quote from: RPLguy on October 15, 2019, 01:28:55 AM ---So a question for the ladies...would sheer fear of being hurt again or not being healed from the last guy that hurt you and having a hard time trusting that a man who was treating you right be enough to make you fear actually stepping forward to explore the connection???
--- End quote ---
Yes. I’ve had poi’s full on. Promises made to be let down. Then when a genuine guy came along my anxiety sent me to bed. I couldn’t cope. I almost ran away. Still on that verge of it too.
--- End quote ---
I agree that fear can keep people from accepting / stepping toward something and someone good for them. I know in my case that when I am in a mode of healing from a relationship I just simply can't open myself to a new one... it just takes the time it takes and I do think there is a chunk of time when I am completely unavailable. I have held men out that I thought might really hurt me, and I have likely given others mixed messages, on one hand wanting to let them in and on the other not fully trusting, and therefore holding back a lot.
I have been on the other end of that dynamic as well, where someone else gave me very mixed messages, and this had a lot to do with my calling psychics. One particular man I called about -- I got the 'he's got feelings, but is too scared' line many times. I do believe there was truth to that because he opened up about a past relationship that really crushed him, and also talked about how he didn't really want to fall in love again. And here's where the rub lies; I had a wise intuitive tell me -- early on when I met this particular guy" You need to get it into your head, scared means unavailable."
It took 3 more years of my own stubbornness to realize that was true. I kept thinking I could show that guy that I was "safe" and good for him, and solid, etc. But at the end of the day, if what psychics were telling me was true and he was scared of his feelings... it didn't really matter what I did because that was his stuff to work through. Having been through that, I don't think I'd even hold on to someone who was "too scared" again, unless they were super open, consistent and actively working through that fear (as in @loulou's case).
Last thought: I think sometimes people don't recognize what holds them back as fear. I think that's why many men and women gravitate toward dysfunctional, abusive or simply banal relationships. Those may feel safer (to someone who is afraid to have their heart broken) because of some underlying, subconscious beliefs. For example, if someone goes back to an abusive relationship, it may be that he/she feels a level of familiarity and therefore control in it. By contrast, a prospective relationship where the other person is treating them with kindness and respect may feel so foreign it's scary.
Does this make sense? I am by no means trying to make excuses for bad behaviour ... my main point is that peoples' psyches are pretty complex and if someone is genuinely too afraid for a healthy relationship, you take a big risk in trying to heal them and convince them otherwise.
I didn't mean for this to be such a long post... hope it's helpful.
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