Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent

IF......POI comes back after ghosting

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Star_01:

--- Quote from: HornetKick on December 07, 2019, 12:36:14 AM ---
--- Quote from: Star_01 on December 06, 2019, 09:23:08 PM ---
--- Quote from: Still tired on December 06, 2019, 06:42:08 PM ---I believe in most cases you are better off if the person never comes back. There's a reason why things didn't work out the first time around and it's not likely to change. Even if you still care for each other and no one did anything seriously wrong, something was probably off in terms of compatibility or circumstances not lining up right.

Ghosting is an especially bad sign though because at best it means that person lacks the ability to show basic respect and consideration for your feelings...or at worst means they are capable of doing so but choose not to for some reason.

2 exes ghosted me and those were the ones I ended up calling psychics about because I didn't understand what happened. I blamed myself and tried to figure out what I could have done differently. Eventually I realized both had serious mental issues - which both of them told me but I didn't listen - and there was nothing I could have done to fix that. But even if that had never been an issue, neither of them was compatible with me. Whatever drew us together in the beginning wasn't enough to build a lasting relationship.

One ex told me a few years later that he cut me out of his life because he loved me and he knew he was bad for me and he thought I would be better off with someone else. I didn't fully learn from the experience why he was all wrong for me so I ended up repeating that whole experience with the second ex. Except he was far too selfish to ever give me any kind of closure or resolution or to let me go. He ghosted me in the most passive aggressive, maddening way possible, never talking things out with me but never leaving me alone either. I would have been better off if he fully disappeared out of my life. The saddest thing was I couldn't see that. If I had I could have cut all ties with him and moved on a lot sooner. 

My experience has been that when people keep coming and going out of my life, there's something I am not seeing or understanding about the situation. As soon as I get it, they leave never to return again, and I don't miss them.

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I agree. Why would you want someone back who didn't care for you when they disappeared on you with no regards to your feelings and leaving you in limbo? It's one of the most cruelest things to do to a person because they're going to be left with so many unanswered questions and feel really shit in themselves. Even if it's a case of them leaving to protect themselves because they fell for you and got scared or don't want you to get hurt they could at least be honest.

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I agree because once you let them come back, they know exactly what to say and do to get you back and then they ghost repeatedly.  I also agree it's just effing cruel.

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It really is 💔

Sincity2:
I guess it would depend on whether or not they had a good explanation for ghosting in the first place.  Not that there’s a justification but maybe if they were going through something traumatic,

Especially men are bad about sharing things like this so they might just withdraw.

Star_01:
I think it comes down to maturity among other factors. I've known mentally mature men to be upfront and honest and say they aren't ready for a relationship or break up with someone because they couldn't give them what they wanted. I know some men run away and don't like to admit faults or think it's pathetic to open up, but I still think it's a very seflish act to leave someone hanging when you know why you are doing something but that other person has no clue or answers.

I also think it boils down to how someone was brought up, how to value and treat someone with respect in relationships. Some people can be very selfish which can also be why these guys/exes come in and out of our lives when it suits them. There's many factors involved. Personally I wouldn't appreciate it happen to me so couldn't do it to someone else. If a guy really cares about you he should think of you and your feelings and the guilt should eat him up when he ghosts.

Star_01:

--- Quote from: Still tired on December 07, 2019, 08:22:31 PM ---
--- Quote from: Star_01 on December 07, 2019, 07:26:47 PM ---I think it comes down to maturity among other factors. I've known mentally mature men to be upfront and honest and say they aren't ready for a relationship or break up with someone because they couldn't give them what they wanted. I know some men run away and don't like to admit faults or think it's pathetic to open up, but I still think it's a very seflish act to leave someone hanging when you know why you are doing something but that other person has no clue or answers.

I also think it boils down to how someone was brought up, how to value and treat someone with respect in relationships. Some people can be very selfish which can also be why these guys/exes come in and out of our lives when it suits them. There's many factors involved. Personally I wouldn't appreciate it happen to me so couldn't do it to someone else. If a guy really cares about you he should think of you and your feelings and the guilt should eat him up when he ghosts.

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I agree with all of this! And omg yeah I couldn't do it to someone else. It would eat me up inside and I'd have to say something. Just knowing that the other person is confused or expects something from me would bother me a lot. Even if it was someone who I had never been with and just showed an interest in me. I couldn't leave them hanging with no answer.

It would make ME uncomfortable to know that someone was out there waiting or wondering if they were going to hear from me again, if nothing else because maybe I don't want them coming back around unexpectedly for answer. I want to get it settled so it isn't hanging over me.

I feel like people who do this kind of thing get some sort of emotional payoff in knowing that they left someone hanging. Maybe they want to keep that door open with no definite ending, or they just like the idea that they can walk away with no responsibility. Sometimes it's an ego trip.

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Exactly, there's no harm in being honest with somebody and admitting you're not ready for something serious or have other issues going on. On dating sites I've had alot of guys be honest and say they're not looking for anything serious and don't wanna mess me around and I thanked them for being upfront. I just think it's a respectful thing to do instead of leaving that person confused, heartbroken and feeling insecure for the ghostee to come back later saying "oh it's not you, it's me!", it's pretty dickish.

I agree about the emotional payoff, especially narcissists love ghosting people knowing they can go off and do whatever and the person is left missing them feeling crappy and wondering what the hell is going on and they can come back in whenever they like hoovering the person with excuses and sweet talk.

It is very selfish because you're basically saying - well I may have that person back but I'm not sure yet, and I don't know what I want in life so I won't give them an answer and leave them waiting which is shitty.

Angel22:
Thank you for all the comments, completely agree with each one of them. It has been a long time since I replied in this thread. When I posted this few months back, I did not completely agree with some comments and was still considering my POI and trying to understand everything from his point of view. I moved away from the situation, feeling better and was completely fine few weeks back. I felt I moved on. Until few weeks back everything started going reverse again and all the memories, thoughts, feelings came back. This is like a relapse, feels terrible, I wish I could just get over with it once and for all. I am usually a logical person even in terms of relationship and never thought I would become  stuck like this and it would be so difficult to come out of it. My career is taking a good turn, there are new beginnings but all this makes the good things happening difficult to take in and I feel terrible that I cannot do anything about it. All the questions will probably remain unanswered forever and coming to terms that I will never be able to understand what exactly went wrong, makes my head go crazy. Feel that rejection is easy to handle and you can move on but ghosting makes you stuck and even though you know that precious days/months/years of your life are getting wasted there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I wish I could process emotions like guys, switch on-switch off and deal everything in a practical way and get out of the situation easily. For me I get stuck in that vicious cycle of memories, then feeling sad, not able to control emotion and it goes on. And even when I feel I have moved on, suddenly you remember everything and you are back to square one. This one was really long but had to take it out.

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