Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent

<Huge Trigger Warning> Is it okay to ...

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Natashanyc:
I’m really sorry you are troubled even thinking about this and what you are going through! I lost the closest person to me in 2012 and it was by surprise I was fairly young and I was unprepared because it was sudden and she was not sick. I remember trying to call her all day and no answer... when I found out why I ran in the middle of a Manhattan street and collapsed. Her funeral was ten days later I would never forget it. I didn’t want to go AT ALL. I couldn’t sleep for ten days, I know I looked like sht for 10 days but that last day I told myself I don’t want to be home and cry or be depressed. I had to find a way to keep going and also allow things she wanted to live on. I was also going thru keen and a bad relationship so that wasn’t helping but now years later I can say I made the best choice In goin to the funeral to embrace the love ppl had for her and her funeral was important to my grieving...she also had a msg for me there I believe so I’m glad I went . I would say go so that later you will have no regrets at all. Maybe helps the healing process even though it will only be a body...their spirit will always be with you. I think she’s probably one of my guides now because weird things happen to me that only she would do that’s why I wanted to find a great medium and I havnt yet unfortunately

Wanderlust619:

--- Quote from: journalmuse on June 26, 2019, 03:41:20 AM ---I can't say how you would feel. I would regret not going. Having been to a parents' funeral, it was hard, especially at my age (teenager). But it was cathartic, in a way. I met a lot of his friends and got to hear how much they loved and respected him. And I would have felt like I wasn't supporting someone who did so much for me if I hadn't gone. I would have regretted not having the chance to stand up there and tell everybody and nobody how great my parent was. That's not to say there aren't perfectly respectable reasons not to go; only you can make that choice.

--- End quote ---

Ditto to this. I would need the closure but only you know what's best for you.  There are many ways to say goodbye.. funerals aren't for everyone. 

Jeninmd2:
Hi Josh - I am VERY close with my parents, and on top of that am an only child and have no other family that I am very close with, so I know how devastated I would feel to lose one of them - and since they are in their 70’s now, I know it’s a very real possibility in the relatively near future. So I have debated this same issue for myself.

I’m only basing this on my own opinion of course, but I think you might regret not attending a service if one was held - although it would be difficult at the time, you might end up feeling in the long run like you missed out on an important opportunity to pay your respects. That being said, I think some of the potentially more traumatic parts of the funeral/memorial service process (i.e. an open casket viewing if there would be one) could be skipped without regret.

Hope all of our feedback from the board is helpful and helps you resolve this issue in your mind, since its something that obviously troubles you very much. Hugs to you!!

Beesa:
I think you would regret it , because you're going to have grief to deal with either way, and avoiding the funeral doesn't mean you'll get to dodge grief, because you'll still have to deal with the grief. Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. We're the ones who need the closure for grief. If the actual funeral is too much for you to attend then having a memorial service of your own , maybe some kind of celebration of life, would be better. Either way though, you will have grief to deal with, and turning away from it because it's too painful is really understandable, but it also is really unavoidable too. Everyone handles grief in their own way, and sometimes denial is part of it (it's one of the stages of grief as a matter of fact). Eventually you will have to look at it though. Losing people you love is painful, period - no one "wants" to go to a funeral. It's not the kind of thing you wake up looking forward to doing. So your reaction is understandable to an extent. You might find that you change your mind when the time comes. We can surprise ourselves. I didn't want to go to my grandmother's funeral , even though the woman raised me. I tried to avoid it but went anyway. It broke me but it also broke open the grief I was holding inside, and was part of the healing process. Give yourself time and don't make any promises you can't keep. It's really painful stuff, I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

josh34:
Thank you so much for all the heartfelt replies. I'm actually sick right now, and was really anxious and nervous to read the replies, but I feel you are all probably right. I don't want to regret it. If it's an open casket, I can't go. But do you think it would be closure enough for me to see them lay the casket into the ground?

I don't know, I feel even seeing a closed casket there, knowing what's in there, would give me way too much anxiety to bear, and would cause me so much emotional distress so I am a little at a loss ): I'm sorry I'm worrying about this, when it's not even happening right now, and I am sorry if this was too close to home for anybody. I just love them so much and this is really important to me. Thank you so much for the support.

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