Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent
<Huge Trigger Warning> Is it okay to ...
josh34:
EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION
I know this is not the place to put this, let alone anywhere on this forum, but I just wanted to ask somebody, and I don't know who else to ask, and I don't really have anybody to ask. And I thought that maybe it would help to ask those who are spiritual.
Is it okay to... Not go to a parent's funeral? Would I regret it if I don't go? They haven't died yet, but just thinking about it makes me feel beyond sad. I'm close to them. I talked with them and they are fine with it, and said they would understand.
but I don't think I'd be able to emotionally be okay with seeing... what I'd see... as my last memory. But I'm really scared that when that day comes, that if I don't go, that I'd regret it.
I understand that morally, it's nobody's place, but my own, to say what's I should or shouldn't do, when the time comes, and I know it wouldn't be disrespectful to them. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. When one of my dogs died, a few days before, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I love her very much. And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't expecting her to pass so early.
But with people who I love so much, like my parents, I won't be able to be okay emotionally, being there, and it would be more scarring to me than anything, being who I am. But I'm also scared I would regret it, having not been there. They told me that they know that I love them and that they would be completely fine if I don't go, and knowing how I am with my emotions, they understand entirely. But then again they are not religious, or spiritual, or anything, and this might sound stupid, but knowing that they currently view death as "who care's, I'd just be a body, that's it. I wouldn't be aware" and not view it as, "I would maintain that after death I would understand", kind of scares me. I believe there is more out there, and I'm kind of scared that they're only saying it's ok because they believe that that would "be it". I know that sounds really stupid to hear. I just need some advice for when this happens. Because I know that when it does, I won't be ok.
so, without telling me what I "have to do" or what not to do, because that's not what I'm looking for--- Do you think I would regret it? That's my question. I just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of loss, knowing what's... in... you know... yeah. It would hurt me so much to be there. But I also don't want to regret it.
I hope this doesn't hit too close to home with anybody, and I hope this is ok to ask here. I just want to ask, because I this is a really important thing to me, and they're important to me, and I just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me. Thank you.
Fidget1028:
--- Quote from: josh34 on June 26, 2019, 03:19:44 AM ---
For me, I would regret. Could you do a memorial service instead? Or even a closed casket to avoid the "visual"?
EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION
I know this is not the place to put this, let alone anywhere on this forum, but I just wanted to ask somebody, and I don't know who else to ask, and I don't really have anybody to ask. And I thought that maybe it would help to ask those who are spiritual.
Is it okay to... Not go to a parent's funeral? Would I regret it if I don't go? They haven't died yet, but just thinking about it makes me feel beyond sad. I'm close to them. I talked with them and they are fine with it, and said they would understand.
but I don't think I'd be able to emotionally be okay with seeing... what I'd see... as my last memory. But I'm really scared that when that day comes, that if I don't go, that I'd regret it.
I understand that morally, it's nobody's place, but my own, to say what's I should or shouldn't do, when the time comes, and I know it wouldn't be disrespectful to them. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. When one of my dogs died, a few days before, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I love her very much. And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't expecting her to pass so early.
But with people who I love so much, like my parents, I won't be able to be okay emotionally, being there, and it would be more scarring to me than anything, being who I am. But I'm also scared I would regret it, having not been there. They told me that they know that I love them and that they would be completely fine if I don't go, and knowing how I am with my emotions, they understand entirely. But then again they are not religious, or spiritual, or anything, and this might sound stupid, but knowing that they currently view death as "who care's, I'd just be a body, that's it. I wouldn't be aware" and not view it as, "I would maintain that after death I would understand", kind of scares me. I believe there is more out there, and I'm kind of scared that they're only saying it's ok because they believe that that would "be it". I know that sounds really stupid to hear. I just need some advice for when this happens. Because I know that when it does, I won't be ok.
so, without telling me what I "have to do" or what not to do, because that's not what I'm looking for--- Do you think I would regret it? That's my question. I just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of loss, knowing what's... in... you know... yeah. It would hurt me so much to be there. But I also don't want to regret it.
I hope this doesn't hit too close to home with anybody, and I hope this is ok to ask here. I just want to ask, because I this is a really important thing to me, and they're important to me, and I just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me. Thank you.
--- End quote ---
Fidget1028:
--- Quote from: josh34 on June 26, 2019, 03:19:44 AM ---
Or even better, a celebration of their life? Like a party where people share photos and memories. Hell, that's what I want!
EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION
I know this is not the place to put this, let alone anywhere on this forum, but I just wanted to ask somebody, and I don't know who else to ask, and I don't really have anybody to ask. And I thought that maybe it would help to ask those who are spiritual.
Is it okay to... Not go to a parent's funeral? Would I regret it if I don't go? They haven't died yet, but just thinking about it makes me feel beyond sad. I'm close to them. I talked with them and they are fine with it, and said they would understand.
but I don't think I'd be able to emotionally be okay with seeing... what I'd see... as my last memory. But I'm really scared that when that day comes, that if I don't go, that I'd regret it.
I understand that morally, it's nobody's place, but my own, to say what's I should or shouldn't do, when the time comes, and I know it wouldn't be disrespectful to them. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. When one of my dogs died, a few days before, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I love her very much. And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't expecting her to pass so early.
But with people who I love so much, like my parents, I won't be able to be okay emotionally, being there, and it would be more scarring to me than anything, being who I am. But I'm also scared I would regret it, having not been there. They told me that they know that I love them and that they would be completely fine if I don't go, and knowing how I am with my emotions, they understand entirely. But then again they are not religious, or spiritual, or anything, and this might sound stupid, but knowing that they currently view death as "who care's, I'd just be a body, that's it. I wouldn't be aware" and not view it as, "I would maintain that after death I would understand", kind of scares me. I believe there is more out there, and I'm kind of scared that they're only saying it's ok because they believe that that would "be it". I know that sounds really stupid to hear. I just need some advice for when this happens. Because I know that when it does, I won't be ok.
so, without telling me what I "have to do" or what not to do, because that's not what I'm looking for--- Do you think I would regret it? That's my question. I just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of loss, knowing what's... in... you know... yeah. It would hurt me so much to be there. But I also don't want to regret it.
I hope this doesn't hit too close to home with anybody, and I hope this is ok to ask here. I just want to ask, because I this is a really important thing to me, and they're important to me, and I just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me. Thank you.
--- End quote ---
journalmuse:
I can't say how you would feel. I would regret not going. Having been to a parents' funeral, it was hard, especially at my age (teenager). But it was cathartic, in a way. I met a lot of his friends and got to hear how much they loved and respected him. And I would have felt like I wasn't supporting someone who did so much for me if I hadn't gone. I would have regretted not having the chance to stand up there and tell everybody and nobody how great my parent was. That's not to say there aren't perfectly respectable reasons not to go; only you can make that choice.
username1111:
What part of that memory you think you would not like? seeing your parent's body without life? This part you can definitely skip.
But the funerals, or any kind of get together to celebrate the life of the person who passed is an important step into the grieving process. And also, its very ok to feel vulnerable, to cry, to loose your sh*t... trust me, nobody will judge that. In the contrary, those moments come with powerful / meaningful support. People can feel each other pains and the empathy that is felt during such times truly helps going through the motions. Try not to over think it too much. Take care.
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