Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent

Readers say to wait for POI to make contact but should I?

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Penelope:
I’ve known my POI for some time and we are in a situation where we have to communicate on a daily basis.  For various reasons, I pulled away.  Some readers have said he’s afraid and didn’t know how to begin “waking the sleeping dragon”.  Others have said he’s super busy with work (which is very true in his case) and have been distracted that way.  Cookie was the only one who said that he is waiting for me and that nothing is going to happen unless I push.  Everyone else said that he has feelings but that I should let him initiate or else we wouldn’t be on even grounds.

aquagirl:
In my experience it would depend on the situation with POI, sometimes they were like, "ya, you can reach out" and other times they told me to wait. That's with the same person.   It just depended on what had happened.

I have done the no contact and one guy it took 6 months to reach out lol. Now this is where you can't subscribe to the "he's not into you". This person in particular as i found out years later, was and still is very much into me. Even told me he loved me last fall. But it took many years for him to tell me the real reason he was acting the way he was. It had nothing to do with another woman or him not wanting to be with me. Quite the opposite. I remember one reader on Keen told me that he would be contacting me for years after i was done with him, and that there wasn't another woman, and that he cared very deeply for me, but there were factors preventing him. Those were all very true. It just took me years to find out the truth.  When men feel they are ready and have something to offer they will chase you down, when they feel they don't the back off, no matter how deep the feelings run.  I've had men over the years do similar and keep coming back time and time again asking for another chance.  That happened with someone else again recently. I had said you ignored me, would drop off for weeks at a time or months. Then he finally told me what had been going on in his life and why he did that. He didn't feel he was ignoring me because in him mind he was taking a time out to deal with his own stuff.

Each situation is different, but in my experience it's always been better to let them reach out first.

ladya:

--- Quote from: Still tired on March 04, 2019, 02:46:15 PM ---I got advice from some psychics not to contact and others said to do it. I ended up contacting my ex and it really backfired on me. He was hostile. It didn't help anything and it only made me feel worse.



--- Quote from: aquagirl on March 04, 2019, 02:17:32 PM ---In my experience it would depend on the situation with POI, sometimes they were like, "ya, you can reach out" and other times they told me to wait. That's with the same person.   It just depended on what had happened.

I have done the no contact and one guy it took 6 months to reach out lol. Now this is where you can't subscribe to the "he's not into you". This person in particular as i found out years later, was and still is very much into me. Even told me he loved me last fall. But it took many years for him to tell me the real reason he was acting the way he was. It had nothing to do with another woman or him not wanting to be with me. Quite the opposite. I remember one reader on Keen told me that he would be contacting me for years after i was done with him, and that there wasn't another woman, and that he cared very deeply for me, but there were factors preventing him. Those were all very true. It just took me years to find out the truth.  When men feel they are ready and have something to offer they will chase you down, when they feel they don't the back off, no matter how deep the feelings run.  I've had men over the years do similar and keep coming back time and time again asking for another chance.  That happened with someone else again recently. I had said you ignored me, would drop off for weeks at a time or months. Then he finally told me what had been going on in his life and why he did that. He didn't feel he was ignoring me because in him mind he was taking a time out to deal with his own stuff.

Each situation is different, but in my experience it's always been better to let them reach out first.

--- End quote ---

I agree with all this. Especially the bolded part. They need to feel like they have something to offer. If they don't feel ready and you approach them, it's like you're catching them off guard. They may act insecure or even defensive over it. No matter what your approach is it can be kind of like giving them the message that you see them as vulnerable or like you are trying to coax them along. They don't understand it is our own need to just know something or have something settled. It's just one of those weird things between men and women that sucks. We didn't evolve to be the ones making those moves, the man was supposed to bring us food back from a long hunting trip, or build a home first or otherwise prove his worth as a provider. The whole context of that has been lost nowadays but the instincts are still there. Contacting them first is like reminding them that they didn't prove themselves yet.

Then again, don't listen to me, I'm 40 and still single, wtf do I know. Lol

--- End quote ---

I agree with all the above said. I have contacted in the past if I felt an overwhelming gut feeling to do so that was just nagging on for days or weeks even though I’d tell myself no. Other than that I think it’s best for them to come when they’re ready. Never put your life on hold for someone. If they’re meant to be in your life the universe will find a way, trust that. Aqua girl I’ve had the same experiences as you. When a man is ready and you’re what he decided on, he’ll let you know.

sawthelight:
Agree with all of you too. Timing really is everything, and sometimes I forget how different men and women really are.

aquagirl:
Agreed we are so different! Scientifically speaking, it boils down to using different parts of our brains. Like men have to scan each shelf in a fridge, while a woman just needs to look and sees everything. A man and woman can be going for a drive and she says "oh what a lovely house" and she just means that. He hears this is the house i want to live and thinks he'll never be able to provide it for her and well, date number four never happens. Just small examples. I also have come to realize that men actually have much much deeper feelings than we realize and they ever let us on to believe. But because they were raised to believe that men don't show emotions etc... they don't express them like we do.

Still Tired: you hit the nail on the head, men are biologically programmed to "hunt" the woman, when we take on that "male" role it  ruin things. I've asked men if they like women chasing them, and they are like yeah i love it, it's refreshing. Then i asked how many of those women that chased you did you end up in relationships with? and the light bulb went off in their heads, they didn't even make that connection. The long term relationships were the ones that they chased themselves.  Women chasing them is great for their egos and making them lazy. 

I'm not sure about timing, and what is meant to be, and life lessons anymore. My beliefs have been challenged recently with new manifestation ideals, ways of looking at why things don't happen even when we are positive and how we are always creating. These new ideas really make sense to me, but i am now on the fence as to how the rest fits into things.

Ladya: I agreee, don't put your life on hold for them. Us women are so guilty of this, we do it at time and not even realize it. That's the keep though, when you keep living your life and doing you, that energy releases, they feel it, that's when they come back. That desire to want them in our lives is strangling the energy. This is almost always what happens when one gives up and moves on, and thats why. At least that is my belief and observation.

They really do need space to work things out, they come back when they are ready. They approach things very differently than we do. And the biggest mistake is making a comparison of what you'd do or feel to how you think they should.  I think we are all guilty of this at one point or another.  I feel that the sooner we realize and accept that they think and actions things differently, the happier we all will be.

no1daystar: thank you! And in the mean time, you do you, and that you understand that is huge. Takes a lot of pressure off of the energy and allows things to flow more smoothly, getting you to the finish line much quicker.

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