Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story

I think I understand why sometimes readings can change. (Myself as an example)

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icloud9:

Thanks to all of you, I really appreciate your feedback and also support...

It's so true that men don't know how to multi-task, for the most part...I feel like they like to focus on one thing at a time...and when they're stressed, instead of communicating those "feelings",  they just shut it down and keep themselves even busier.
I also feel like it's even worse when they have a crazy ex still around...it's like that ex reminds you of what exactly it's like to have a relationship with somebody (EXTRA STRESS).
Men don't really THINK ABOUT their feelings, do they lol. I mean, I thought about these feelings that I've been feeling all day today and I realize that I really don't want to go back to my ex. I love him but i don't love him like "that."

I thought about what it is that I'm feeling (because unlike men we women know how to dissect our feelings LOL) and it's just that I'm really just ready to "settle down." I want stability. I want to start a family and I want to have kids before my biological clock shuts off (and I'm SO close lol).
My ex is a millionaire. I know that If I settled with him I would never have any issues as far as financial security...He would provide me with a good life. We can travel together. Not that I can't do these things now - traveling, having financial security etc, because I make a good living also, but my income is not passive like his is, so I'm still as busy as a bee and I don't really have much time to live the luxurious life like he is able to.
BUT....I don't feel emotionally "connected" to him at all anymore... I cant even tell if this is because of the broken trust or because I have literally grown out of him, because  let me tell you- I used to be so IN LOVE with him. SO MADLY in love. The same reason why I gave him a second chance when he first cheated on me lol. So imagine what kind of damage it was done to me when he cheated on me.
BUT, I am rational. I don't want to choose someone just because I want to 'settle down'. I want to choose someone because I LOVE THEM so much (which in this case, it's my current POI).
I feel like If I got married to my ex, eventually down the line I would start thinking about the "what if' and become miserable. "Oh what if I had waited for my POI , then we would be together right now" - I dont want to have a single doubt like this when I'm actually married to somebody.
BUT here is also another thing- I heard that women are usually happier when we pick someone who loves us more than we love them. It's so clear that my ex is deeply in love with me....I'm not saying that my POI isn't...but he is in a hermit mode right now and he isn't "showing" it to me...and I'm thinking...well where is the guarnatee that my current POI will be truly READY? at the time that I would want him to? and before my biological clock runs out lol.

 According to my trusted advisor, apparently this period is going to last until January... I have no problem being patient, but I also can't seem to control my growing curiosity of the "what if" scenario with my EX.
You guys see how conflicted I am right now? I feel like I don't even make sense.  Sorry for all of this, I just needed to vent lol.

And @Sparky I love what you said about free will and destiny.

sawthelight:
I have to say though, I do think when a guy meets a girl he really wants to be with, he will put all the baggage/delaying tactics to the side and really pursue her.  I dated a guy once who just got out of a nasty divorce (like five months before) and he dated A LOT of women in between me and his ex, but when me and him started to date, he got serious with me quick..and I was with him for a while. 

Not all men are the same, but a guy that really loves or has good intentions for you won't leave you wondering for too long...he won't risk losing you.

That should have been my first clue that the first POI was no good for me, he had no issue walking away from me for long periods of time and not caring whether or not that would mean I would be gone for good.

icloud9:

--- Quote from: sawthelight on December 12, 2018, 08:17:19 PM ---I have to say though, I do think when a guy meets a girl he really wants to be with, he will put all the baggage/delaying tactics to the side and really pursue her.  I dated a guy once who just got out of a nasty divorce (like five months before) and he dated A LOT of women in between me and his ex, but when me and him started to date, he got serious with me quick..and I was with him for a while. 

Not all men are the same, but a guy that really loves or has good intentions for you won't leave you wondering for too long...he won't risk losing you.

That should have been my first clue that the first POI was no good for me, he had no issue walking away from me for long periods of time and not caring whether or not that would mean I would be gone for good.

--- End quote ---

Yeah I agree. The thing is that it's not that he completely ghosted me, he did let me know about these things he's dealing with and that he is super stressed...and that his ex is pissing him off lol.. and I told him to take his time.
We previously had a talk where we both let eachother know about our intentions for this relationship....And we sort of had that "Exclusivity" talk. He said he doesnt want to see anyone else, and I said the same thing. But we just haven't made it into an official relationship.

sawthelight:

--- Quote from: icloud9 on December 12, 2018, 08:23:29 PM ---
--- Quote from: sawthelight on December 12, 2018, 08:17:19 PM ---I have to say though, I do think when a guy meets a girl he really wants to be with, he will put all the baggage/delaying tactics to the side and really pursue her.  I dated a guy once who just got out of a nasty divorce (like five months before) and he dated A LOT of women in between me and his ex, but when me and him started to date, he got serious with me quick..and I was with him for a while. 

Not all men are the same, but a guy that really loves or has good intentions for you won't leave you wondering for too long...he won't risk losing you.

That should have been my first clue that the first POI was no good for me, he had no issue walking away from me for long periods of time and not caring whether or not that would mean I would be gone for good.

--- End quote ---

Yeah I agree. The thing is that it's not that he completely ghosted me, he did let me know about these things he's dealing with and that he is super stressed...and that his ex is pissing him off lol.. and I told him to take his time.
We previously had a talk where we both let eachother know about our intentions for this relationship....And we sort of had that "Exclusivity" talk. He said he doesnt want to see anyone else, and I said the same thing. But we just haven't made it into an official relationship.

--- End quote ---

Ah ok, well that's totally different, it's good he's being open and honest with you.  It's not good to rush into something when you are not ready (in his case) anyway.

ladya:
Everyone is different. A lot of women can put aside their emotional needs and be with someone who is in love with them and provides for them. To me this is exactly why the divorce rate is so high and people are unhappy. You go into it not happy and it just goes downhill from there. I don’t believe that either of the two people should love the other person more but I could never be with someone just because he loved me more than I did. To me that’s settling. In that case I rather be alone tbh. I’d be miserable and prob end up leaving eventually. I understand the whole biological clock but what you’re doing is the right thing. I’d do the same in your position. Just the way we’re wired. Marriage is a partnership 50/50 not 70/30 or 100/0

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