Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story
No man worth your time is worth all of this heartache
Miss Philosopher:
--- Quote from: Still tired on January 28, 2019, 04:35:23 PM ---
--- Quote from: Miss Philosopher on January 28, 2019, 03:54:51 PM ---I agree with a lot said here. I did want to add though that in some cases, the poi or ex will not ghost, but remain in somewhat consistent contact, maybe not daily, but weekly or something like that, after they've done you dirty and supposedly moved on to "start their new life". One has to ask themselves why that is. What's the motive. It can be because they really do want to remain friends and feel the two of you do better that way. However, more often than not, there is a self serving motive there and they will keep contact simply to keep you on a back burner as a fall back option without you really even realizing it.
This is just to say that, just because someone keeps in contact with you doesn't mean they really care and want to be a part of your life. I see a lot of people on here that say "If they really want to be with you then they wouldn't go without contact for long periods of time". Them remaining in constant contact can actually make it harder and be more of an emotional roller coaster and not be for the reason's one would hope for. In my opinion, contact doesn't even matter. It's what is their behavior toward you, what are they SHOWING you. Are they putting in any kind of efforts that are satisfactory for YOU.
And yeah, if you find yourself dealing with someone that makes you feel anxious and/or emotionally upset or traumatized.........most of want to figure out the reason why and that's why we call these psychics, when really we should probably be running for the hills and maybe someday we'll figure out the reason why and maybe we won't but at least we'll have our sanity and dignity in tact. lol
That's just my 2.5 cents.
--- End quote ---
I totally agree with all of this! This was my situation and I should have cut ties with my ex LONG before I did. It keeps you constantly guessing as to what they want and why they are keeping it going.
A friend of my ex told me, right after we broke up...he holds people hostage emotionally. I was stunned and didn't believe it. Oh boy, now I do. Now I know exactly what that means.
--- End quote ---
You know what? That's a very enlightening way of putting it......holding people hostage emotionally. I wasn't really even aware of this type of thing until I began studying narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and just cluster B personality types in general. It was shocking to learn about but at the same time, it really helps the healing process along knowing that it isn't "just you". It's an issue within them that will not change unless help is sought out, which is highly unlikely. That friend of your ex was very wise and observant and it's a great thing that person shared that information with you. Very very good way of putting it.
Miss Philosopher:
--- Quote from: sawthelight on January 28, 2019, 04:44:20 PM ---
--- Quote from: Miss Philosopher on January 28, 2019, 04:22:58 PM ---
--- Quote from: sawthelight on January 28, 2019, 04:08:38 PM ---
--- Quote from: Miss Philosopher on January 28, 2019, 03:54:51 PM ---I agree with a lot said here. I did want to add though that in some cases, the poi or ex will not ghost, but remain in somewhat consistent contact, maybe not daily, but weekly or something like that, after they've done you dirty and supposedly moved on to "start their new life". One has to ask themselves why that is. What's the motive. It can be because they really do want to remain friends and feel the two of you do better that way. However, more often than not, there is a self serving motive there and they will keep contact simply to keep you on a back burner as a fall back option without you really even realizing it.
This is just to say that, just because someone keeps in contact with you doesn't mean they really care and want to be a part of your life. I see a lot of people on here that say "If they really want to be with you then they wouldn't go without contact for long periods of time". Them remaining in constant contact can actually make it harder and be more of an emotional roller coaster and not be for the reason's one would hope for. In my opinion, contact doesn't even matter. It's what is their behavior toward you, what are they SHOWING you. Are they putting in any kind of efforts that are satisfactory for YOU.
And yeah, if you find yourself dealing with someone that makes you feel anxious and/or emotionally upset or traumatized.........most of want to figure out the reason why and that's why we call these psychics, when really we should probably be running for the hills and maybe someday we'll figure out the reason why and maybe we won't but at least we'll have our sanity and dignity in tact. lol
That's just my 2.5 cents.
--- End quote ---
Great post. I can so relate...
I agree keeping even in limited contact with some of these POIs can really mess with you more. that's why I cut off all contact with first guy, hearing from him sporadically was just making it harder to move on. It would get my hopes up.
--- End quote ---
Totally agree. Each contact we receive is like, ok have they come to their senses? Is one of these contacts going to eventually be them wanting to reconcile? Why are they contacting me? It MUST be because they still care. That's what it was doing to me. But, now, even though I still receive daily contact and yeah I'm getting the hints and sweet words and the wanting to half ass reconcile on his terms.........I put no thought into the contact being received. I just look at it like it's whatever and don't even expect to keep receiving it. It gets tiring and a lot of times I WISH he would have ghosted me and just didn't contact for an extended period of time. That way, that creates enough space for true healing to occur and then who cares if contact is made and when it is made.........again you're not really bothered by it and aren't interested anymore.
--- End quote ---
So true. that's why when some POIs come back, they are no longer POIs, because we are no longer interested.
I personally have no time or sympathy for inconsistent men. You want to come back, show me something, that you're serious, or GTFO of my life. Literally, have no patience for it. Such a turn off.
Never let someone be in your life on their terms. It's setting the whole pattern of the relationship to be on their terms..and you deserve more.
I would personally just ask the guy, listen, this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for. See how they reply. It sounds like this guy has been in your life long enough for you to set some boundaries. If it scares him away, F him.
Sorry, if that sounds harsh but I see so many great women sell themselves short for these guys. So not worth it.
--- End quote ---
Yeah..........unfortunately I allowed him to set the whole pattern of the relationship from the beginning due to the situation with his kids and me feeling sorry for him. I didn't know how much of a lying snake he really was back then so I was just trying to compromise and be fair. After some time of repeated patterns, I began to lose all compassion for his situation and felt he shouldn't be around his kids anyway because of who he was and how he behaved. He presents himself to people as someone and something he's not. He even deceives his kids with that stuff. They don't even know who he really is. He's very good at playing roles. I have already told him time and time again what I wanted and that if he cannot provide that to me then to leave me alone. He just doesn't ever leave me alone. As stilltired mentioned, it appears that he likes to emotionally hold me hostage. He's part of the cluster B personality type.
sawthelight:
My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well. Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.
I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it
Miss Philosopher:
--- Quote from: sawthelight on January 28, 2019, 05:15:15 PM ---My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well. Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.
I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it
--- End quote ---
Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.
sawthelight:
--- Quote from: Miss Philosopher on January 28, 2019, 05:32:49 PM ---
--- Quote from: sawthelight on January 28, 2019, 05:15:15 PM ---My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well. Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.
I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it
--- End quote ---
Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.
--- End quote ---
I know. there really is no excuse.
At the end of the day, we all have our issues and problems. It doesn't give us free reign though to mistreat others or ignore others who mean something to us.
My mistake with first guy was fooling myself into believing he could eventually offer me what I wanted and needed from a man. the readings egged this on (and that is why I am so against them for the most part now)....the constant "he will come around", "he will realize what he wants"; "he will come forward and make changes"...he never did.
He was pretty honest with me too about what he could or couldn't offer at the time. I chose to wait around and for that I will forever regret. But it taught me a lot that's for sure. that's why second guy got cut off with a quickness when I saw similar patterns.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version