Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent

I'm really confused...opinions please?

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doubleoh8:
Hi @maroonlight.

I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.

I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.

Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.

Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.

So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs


Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.

Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.

ladya:

--- Quote from: doubleoh8 on November 09, 2017, 08:15:10 PM ---Hi @maroonlight.

I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.

I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.

Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.

Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.

So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs


Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.

Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.

--- End quote ---

i agree with this post and esp what you said about men and revisiting the past. they have a thought process compared to women and often times will forego making contact if they feel it might be too late or they might somehow make a fool of themselves or their ego. men come from a predominantly mental headspace rather than heart centered so if it seems illogical in their thinking they might not do it. @maroonlight i think you should just try to take the energy off him and focus on yourself. ITS SO HARD I KNOW but maybe this time apart is good as it will allow him to sort out his life without draining you and come back or you'll find someone who is better for you that you wouldn't have if you were involved with him. it doesn't like the door is closed at all tbh and i think its better he did it now so if there is a chance of rekindling the relationship can resume from a good place.

sawthelight:
great post doubleoh8...I agree with everything you said.

I wonder though, you mention that the woman reached out and they reconnected...which is great, but you said your friend was dating someone else?  See that would bother me, since he apparently got himself in a space to date again seriously but didn't reach out to the girl he was with before...maybe it's my ego, but that would always bother me if I was with him.  Like I was second choice.

doubleoh8:
yes -- he had dated a bit in the time they were not in contact, but so did she. They had a great connection (initially) ... but didn't get to the point they ever were in a committed relationship. So she wasn't so much an ex as she was someone he had dated and really liked. I can't remember the timelines; it may have been only a month first round and up to a year of separation... and I think he'd kind of assumed that they'd both moved on.

Also re my friend's situation: when you say he "got in a space to date again seriously" it wasn't really that cut and dried. I think round one with the girl (he ended up with) he was NOT in that space, and by the time she reconnected he was in it or getting into it, but not consciously thinking that. It just was. Does that make sense? I think that's common too; that timing is right when it is right and not because we decide 'ok, now I will go out and date someone with the intention of settling down.' In fact, when we plan that -- in a lot of cases -- timing actually isn't right, we just want it to be.

i do think that bigger picture this is a piece women need to get, though. This is generalizing and it may be true in reverse too, but in my experience men are not 100% in until they are... whereas if things are going well then a lot of women can just jump right in at go. Men may seem just as into it -- even be just as into it -- but still keeping their options open until they are certain. Women want to lock it down. And in a way, I think this is where men are wise; I for one have jumped into a number of exclusive, committed relationships, only to find out down the road that in fact this was not the person I really wanted to be/stay with. I've been on both sides of the situation and finally am seeing the benefit of taking it slow, staying open, not jumping, and trusting that things can and will build if they are meant to.


So, back to your question I do think that's ego talking to a large extent and the more you can let that go the more it serves you (speaking to myself as much as anyone here). Where the self-confident voice says 'I really liked that guy; I think I will reach out and see what he's up to" and "it would be nice if we have a chance to try again, but if not I'll be fine"; the insecure (ego-based) voice -- maybe the devil talking into the other ear -- says "If he doesn't come after me, he doesn't care enough ... or I was not enough ... so I will reject him before he rejects me."

What do you think?

Again, maybe different if we were talking about a major relationship where someone broke off an engagement or promise, for example, to deal with personal issues... but maroonlight's situation sounds like it was intense but fairly short-lived. Plus, as Ladya says, depending on the circumstances guys can have a really hard time going back. Remember, they have ego stuff too!

If we want healthy relationships -- which I think ultimately all of us do -- I think being able to recognize and conquer what is holding us back because of ego/insecurity is a major key. AND, I also think that it's good to keep in mind that we're not all in the same place and the same time with our growth. So, yeah, maybe the guy 'should' have reached back out, but maybe his ego held him back. If the connection is that great (as it was in my friends' case) would you really want to let feeling snubbed hold you back from being the braver one and doing the reach out? These 2 -- they are extremely happy together and he has been a bachelor as long as I've know him -- going back about a decade. So big picture, healthy egos rule!

doubleoh8:

--- Quote from: Still tired on November 09, 2017, 10:00:27 PM ---
--- Quote from: sawthelight on November 09, 2017, 08:52:19 PM ---great post doubleoh8...I agree with everything you said.

I wonder though, you mention that the woman reached out and they reconnected...which is great, but you said your friend was dating someone else?  See that would bother me, since he apparently got himself in a space to date again seriously but didn't reach out to the girl he was with before...maybe it's my ego, but that would always bother me if I was with him.  Like I was second choice.

--- End quote ---

I would feel the same way. Like how my ex said he didn't know if he could handle being in a relationship. I would be really mad if I found out he had been with someone else because it would mean he lied about pretty much everything.

--- End quote ---

Well, certainly fair that you'd be upset. I likely would too... but to be fair my friend did not lie about everything / anything. He was too overwhelmed to consider a relationship at that time. A year (or close to it) went by... and they both dated lightly in that time. Nobody was lied to or mislead.

As Daesung said, a lot depends on the overall context of course.

PS editing this to ad that I may have used the wrong language here -- but when I said he was dating someone else, that did not mean he was in a relationship. He was just dating.

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