Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent

Online Dating Experiences

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jordie:
I know a few people who have had luck using the online dating sites but I got tired of all the creeps contacting me, too much work trying to weed them out!  The last one who contacted me told me his real name so I looked him up on google, quite a few mug shots for domestic violence showed up. That was it for me.

sunandmoon:
There is also one called fitness singles that I had checked out figuring my ex was on there. As you'd expect it is geared towards those who love sports or working out, you actually list all the activities you do as part of your profile. One of my favorite (as in haha) profiles was a guy dressed in jeans and loafers leaning against his status-symbol car, entitled "headed out on my favorite long hike". His profile bragged about all the hiking he did. Not that he didn't look fit enough to hike, there just no way he was going out on a long hike (as a "hiker") dressed the way he was. Don't get me wrong - I've certainly seen people dressed that way hiking - but they are not "hikers".

Then I always wondered about the ones that were on there for 2 years or more. And I know this from having worked in the industry - many exercise-driven people are very Type A and it is hard to deal with them. If you're on the same page as them with working out and stuff, it can become a competition. If you are not as fit as them, you can be deemed lazy. If you are a woman more fit than him - that's not gonna work either! It takes special people to make any of those combinations work. Many of my seriously athletic friends are single as a r/s takes up a lot of time away from their training. So ya, be forewarned when seeing how active a guy is in his profile.

And besides, I'll bet most guys think girls dig guys that are outdoorsy! Walks on the beach in the moonlight, loves kids and animals, curled up in front of the fireplace for a quite night in. They say what they think you want to hear.

whiteangel:
Thank you all for sharing! If I decide to go for it, I'll certainly let you know.  PrettyLittleLiz - congrats, I'm so glad your gamble is paying off and it's great to hear some good news here.

I'm REALLY into the baggage reclaim stuff at the moment and feel like I'm progressing more than I have in the last 6 months to leave behind my 'imaginary' relationship with my emotionally unavailable man (EUM for those of you who aren't familiar) and stop calling psychics to feed me illusionary (even if sometimes seemingly accurate information) that's been fueling this whole thing.  It wasn't actually an 'imaginary' relationship to start, but I'm seeing a lot of patterns and dysfunction about my own emotional unavailability that have kept me engaged in this type of nonsense.

And, after a painful divorce full of a lot of deceit and betrayal a couple of years ago (which basically started or at least kicked  the psychic habit into HIGH gear - to try to get the truth about what my narcissist ex husband was really up to), and then getting almost immediately involved with a new self absorbed child man, I did recently put myself out on a bit of a new limb and decided to go out with a friend of a friend who is currently,  literally treating me like a queen.  So I'm working on trying to be available for that!  And, all I can say is we'll see how this goes before online dating...

In the meantime, I do expect my EUM to pop up any day now and ask to see me -- and for the first time in the last year the answer is no thanks.  I would also point out that all of this has been predicted by most of the psychics I've been consulting.  They've even told me the astrological signs of these guys, their occupations, etc. It's uncanny and of course, it's why I keep going back for more, I would point out though that the fairytale of how an emotionally unavailable man is going to decide that I'm the special one that can make him change for the better has yet to happen! That's what I'm in the process of giving up on and coming back to reality. 

I'll also say that they all said they saw my ex-husband coming back, wanting to come around again.  It came about a year later than predicted, and it wasn't anything to write home about, but I did get that vindication and I knew I had an opportunity.   Kelli from CP was probably most accurate about seeing that, the circumstances surrounding it, etc.  BTW.  Although I'm finding that her timelines are like literally 1 year off.  She also see's a lot of things by 'seasons' so I guess Fall of one year probably looks a lot like Fall of another year.

I will also update you with my experiences with psychics (mostly CP) in the days to come. I can tell you who I think has been accurate for me, or at least helpful. 

sunandmoon:
Wow - how to misread a post! Did you note the word CAN?

CAN become a competition
CAN be deemed as lazy
I did however miss that in the "women stronger than man won't work" sentence (this where the special mentalities/certain combinations statement comes in)

How on earth you ever got that I feel women should not work out or exercise is beyond me. I'm an endurance athlete myself and have been working out in some way for most of my life. I would not give it up for anyone. The guy I am currently with does not work out to my extent (my exh and exbf did) BUT he will do many things with me without complaint and is extremely supportive of what I choose to do with my body. He may think I'm crazy, but he never tries to discourage me - which I had with my exh who was also an athlete (imagine sitting at breakfast and saying gee, I'd love to try that some day, sounds like a lot of fun, and being told (after he wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes) that there is no way you could ever do THAT and then lists all the reasons why. Yes, I proved him wrong).

And yes, it DOES take special mentalities to make certain combinations work. I have been in the fitness industry for many years and have seen many a r/s break up because one was super competitive and one was not. Or they both were and continued to compete with each other. Or the woman was stronger than the man and his ego couldn't take it. Or one couldn't stand the other working out with certain people. Like it or not, I have seen these and I stated that. In your words, I am trying to voice my opinion responsibly because I've seen it over and over again. I would not expect any of my fitness friends to give up that part of their life for anyone! But many people they choose to be with expect that and don't like being put on the back burner for a 6 hour workout, and then the r/s implodes.

You are a woman, correct? I did say most guys say those things (beach, moonlight etc) because they think women like them. I like them too. I know men who do - I have one :)  I've also met men AND women who say stuff, maybe do it once or twice and quickly change back to the stay at home person they always were. Be honest - everyone knows people like that, men and women. Women who claim to love football but really just know who the home team is (not saying women who love sports  don't exist), men who claim to love walks on the beach when they can't stand the sand in their shoes (I prefer barefoot but that's me lol)

I didn't take this as an attack, but I do feel you completely misread it. :P  Of course many guys love that you're fit, they'd be idiots not to. Many guys love that I am too. But dealing with them on a r/s basis can be a whole different issue.

This is another reason why I don't like dating sites. I prefer to meet people doing things I enjoy. That way you know they are probably being honest about at least that activity!  :)  But kudos to those have have succeeded using them - you are braver than I!

I hope this makes better sense. I was trying to give a sense of what it's like to be with someone with whom working out is a huge part of their life and vice versa based on above posts of people complaining that it seems like every profile they read made it sound like the guys were looking for workout buddies. If that person truly is into working out or hiking or whatever, you either join them happily, or have that special mentality not to mind when he/she goes out with a group of people without you.

<fixed stupid typos that weren't apparent the first 3 times I re-read it>

Zee:
If you try eHarmony Google first for coupon codes (they are always running specials), because I’ve spent no more than $40 for a full six month membership.  Keep trying the codes until something works, because there are plenty out there.  The biggest difference about eHarmony is that eHarmony does not allow you to search for men like all the other sites do.  You are subjected only to the ones that fit your profile.  Take your time with your profile because it takes a long time anyway and is very thorough.

All dating sites have databases in the backend and depending on if they are set up right, you will get some toads.  I even had some obese guy send me a wink and I immediately blocked him.  There was no point in me just being outright rude.  I’ve also had a guy in a wheelchair pm me too and I also blocked him, because I mainly felt he was on the wrong site, but I don’t need to go into all that – just that if he is paralyzed and I want sex, it’s just not going to work.

I’ve been told a couple of things about dating sites: they are meat markets. Even the Christian based ones or the Jewish based one as well. There are still good men out there, you have to be patient because let’s be honest, there really aren’t that many places where you can meet someone you want to date.

But don’t think that ALL men don’t want a relationship, some do and some just want to bang around too.  To be successful at online dating, you need to have memberships at more than one site.  I believe Match bought yahoosingles, so that site now has a larger database than most, although eHarmony is more popular. You also might want to date outside of your race or religious background.  It opens you up to a much larger pool for available men.  All I’m saying is don’t limit yourself.

The pictures people post is the number one complaint from dating sites.  Everyone lies because they want to be desirable, but generally men lie about their height/weight/hair or bald/or if they work out and women lie about their age/weight and a lot of people lie about having kids or not. I actually knew a guy who had a child, but refused to date women with children. 

I’ve heard horror stories from many different sites, so don’t think one is more reputable than another. People can be just as deceptive in your face as they can online, so just use caution. The first date should be no more than thirty minutes in a public place, unless of course you click and want to make the time longer, or think he is a bore and want to shorten it.

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