I'm really confused...opinions please?

[maroonlight]

Hi @maroonlight.

I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.

I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.

Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.

Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.

So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs


Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.

Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.

Hi doubleoh8, thanks for your post.

I'm done with the psychic binges because those surely didn't do any good for me the last 2 times. I waited several months and called dozens of psychics the last 2 times this happened and nothing but misery came from it. I've already decided as well that I will not hold on and wait for months..

I've decided that in a few weeks if I do not hear from him before then, I am going to contact him one last time. If nothing comes out of it, then I am done. I can't hold on for months with the hope that he will come back. The only reason I have hope that there is potential for reconciliation is because he left it so open ended with his last message, instead of being more blunt and saying it was done. I'm hoping that if he has some time to cool down then he will be up for seeing me again..

Hi Maroonlight,

Of course you should do whatever feels best / right for you, so if you have a plan that's great.

I think it's so hard to give (and get) advice here, because the other forum users only know part of the story, and the part that's easiest to omit is - what is your role in the whole experience? (I don't mean just you, I mean that for all of us). It's just really hard to be self-reflective, so we are that much more aware of what the other person did or didn't do / say etc., and not as much about what our patterns and behaviours and underlying beliefs are.

All that to say, if this is the 3rd time something similar has happened, maybe consider what's happening for you. For example, are you expecting the guy to just drop off? Or ignoring any red flags that might have indicated he wasn't fully ready? I know I have done both of those things. This time might be a great opportunity to do some of your own work and that will likely result in a shift to everything -- from your perspective to the pattern. For me, the last POI prompted a lot of soul searching and I discovered some previously unconscious negative beliefs about relationship. I'm still working through those, but honestly, it's making a difference in how my inner and worlds look.

There really weren’t any red flags. Everything was going great. I noticed that he was stressed the last time I saw him which was about a week ago and he was then texting me about more things in his life bugging him before breaking it off. When we first met he seemed perfectly fine and ready for a new relationship.

I’m just hoping that it’s all temporary and that he cools down and gives us a chance. The last 2 times it happened were a lot more hopeless because one guy moved away, and the other used me as a booty call. I was just infatuated with both and held on for months..I know this situation stands a much better chance than the last 2, but I’ve already promised myself that I will not hang on for months, that’s why I’m giving it a few weeks and then if nothing happens that’s it..I’m not waiting for him..but his last response was open ended so I don’t think it’s completely over yet

[Jess614]

Oh honey I have been on both sides of the fence.  being a single parent I felt relationships were overwhelming for me because I couldn't give the appropriate time to the guy.  And I have the one more times I can count where they didn't have time for me.  Being an empath myself and reading your words I truly feel he is so overwhelmed with his life.  It almost felt chaotic and a relationship is just too overwhelming at the moment.  Now I will say if it's good then he will be back.  You don't need a psychic to tell you that.  It's is common sense.  Sometimes people need to take a step back, take a deep breath, reorganize their life and will be right back, or back weeks or months later.  The struggle (which I am guilty of) is waiting around for this amazing guy.  You hold on to the feelings and memories you created with him which gives you this glimmer of hope that things will turn around.  No matter if you wait around for him or choose to "move on" time will still pass no matter what. How you are going to pass the time is what counts and what is emotionally and mentally healthy for you.  Sweetie I am in the same boat. And let me tell you I am struggling. But we learn from our lessons and find review pages to type our feelings and keep moving forward.  Good luck and God bless.