Advice on what Advice to Give

[Zee]

Okay here is the situation. I’ll try to keep this short.
A girlfriend has an unusual problem and she keeps asking me what to do.

• She has been married 4 years now.
• Married her hubby after six weeks of knowing him.
• Hubby’s two previous girlfriends left him for other men while dating.
• Wife who is the friend, claims she had an emotional affair with another man and even kissed him (that’s all she swears happened plus a lot of emails). She knows now it was a mistake and has severed contact.
• Hubby found out about emotional affair and of course is pissed, although he has been doing the same thing to some extent. Before this happened Hubby use to spend hours with either one of his ex-girlfriends just hanging out. This is what he says. (Of course I told her that shit should have been nipped before the marriage but anywho…) Hubby still does this and refuses to stop saying the wife is overreacting since he is just friends with his exes.
• She wants to make it work with hubby and have suggested counseling. He says he does not need it.
• What should she do, she is in love with him and can’t force him to seek help. (personally I would have jumped shipped, but I would not have married anyone until I was 100 percent sure anyway, but that’s just me).
• They have multiple businesses together and she and Hubby haven’t been intimate since February 2014. There are no kids, just a dog and a cat.

How can she turn the tides? or are the tides turnable?

[melancholia]

That...doesn't sound like a marriage. It sounds like they rushed into a marriage while caught up in infatuation but are now realizing that they'd rather be with other people.

If she wants to stay with him, she's probably going to have to give an ultimatum along the lines of, "Yes, I made a mistake, but I STOPPED.  Now YOU need to stop or there's no point in being married.  You can be friends with your ex-girlfriends without spending hours hanging out with them - that's not part of a commitment."

Just out of curiosity, what age range are they in?  Because he sounds really, really immature.

[sagitira]

oh dear...married after 6 weeks...how can you get to know the person in such a short time..

first of all i don't think it's ok to keep contact with ex if the wife is not happy with it. his behaviour does not look like he cares a great deal about how the wife feels and she seems to be very much in love with him. i really feel for her.
they haven't been intimate since february i'd say is another sign of him perhaps getting bored...this is why he's probably keeping contact with ex's..it's familiar territory, he technically doesn't have to try that much and gets his entertainment. where does he get his satisfaction if he's not intimate with the wife? do you think he's not having sex somewhere else? i highly doubt he's not getting any...she should also try and check somehow if he's not having an affair..i wouldn't believe that he says he isn't. for the record my ex was cheating on his gf for 5 years and she didn't know...so i really dont' believe he's not getting it somewhere else...i might be wrong but if it was me i'd be doing detective work. no way i would tolerate it now after my experience with a serial cheater...they are good liars too...

if she continues to allow him what he wants to do i can guarantee you he won't stay or he will just push the boundries more and more until one day the wife will realise that he's openly flirting or cheating on her with other women and doesn't care how it makes the wife feel. i had a friend in exactly same situation, she tolerated this behaviour for over a year and eventually they broke up...needless to say it took her years to recover from this, she was in depression for a long time and they had 2 small kids

my advise would be also to make it very clear she is not happy with his behaviour and state some consequences if this does not change. also to pull away a bit from him...it's not easy situation but if she allows him to run the show like this it won't end up good. it will also give her an insight to how he takes their relationship and if he respects her wishes as a husband should do. if he doesn't then there is absolutely no reason to stay in such relationship but from your post it does look like she is in love so it might not be easy thing for her to do but she should try. why hold on to someone who doesn't feel the same way..

i don't undersand what the men nowadays think..honestly they seem to think they can do whatever they want and we have to accept it. it's just ridiculous and i'm glad i know it now and will be setting my boundaries from the beginning and if they don't like it they can go...

[Zee]

I totally agree with what has been said and I have told her as much to some degree.

At one point she moved in with her ex for about a month and he shrugged his shoulders and was like he didn't care. I never asked why she came back.

I've known two other women whose live-in boyfriends got another girl pregnant, which not only says he was cheating (of course), but unconcerned about spreading other people's juices all over the world. How much more selfish can one be?

We all know too that until you get used to it, it's hard to get rid of a lowlife, even when he's treating you worse than you treat yourself - so it's all a process. Everything is so much easier said than done. I don't envy her at all.