CLOSURE

[springtime]

Hi Everyone,

I was just reading another thread and closure jumped out at me.  I feel that I have gotten too many readings because I was looking to find out if I would ever get closure on a certain relationship.  I wonder if we ever get the closure we are looking for and if we are better off just finding peace within ourselves.  Maybe the closure we are looking for may never happen and we need to except that and make peace with it.

What are you guys thoughts on closure?

 

[springtime]

Thanks Jordie!  How did you finally make that peace with yourself?  Did you jusr finally decide to stop thinking about the person and completely let it go?  I want to get to that point but still pops (the situation) in my head at times.

[sunandmoon]

ST, that's all I was calling for was closure. This was the first r/s where I didn't have it and it messed me up a lot, mainly because he was the one that pursued me relentlessly and was attached to my hip 24/7 for years, then he just stopped talking to me. Every other r/s I had would end, be it by me or the other person. And it would be a discussion so you knew where you stood. I know I hurt others in the past but we did talk things out. My ex refused. And he would (when we were together) keep me up for hours talking so every time a psychic said he was incapable of talking I said bs!!!!

Like Jordie said, I needed to get to a point where I had enough. I was talking to a guy at work and thinking, here I am passing up opportunities, and for what? This jerk that broke up my marriage, cost me friendships, almost cost me a job much less his own and who won't talk to me? He has not wished me a happy birthday in 2 years while the rest of his family does.

I also found that if I could force myself to wait a day, if not two, when I got anxious to talk to someone the feeling would pass.

I still don't have closure but I'm better with that than I was before.

[allbitenobark]

I think the lack of closure for me has also been what has held me back from moving on. Like you, s&m, my ex pursued me relentlessly, was always with me, always told me no matter what happened between us he'd never turn his back on me, etc. etc. Yet, it's been 10 months and nothing. Every attempt I've made, and believe me it was few and far between and I gave up a few months ago, he thwarted and would end the call in seconds flat. To make matters worse, he's already in a new relationship and has been in one for a while now. It makes me feel as if all the love he claimed to have had for me was all BS. His reason for leaving the relationship was that he had been in LTR's since HS and had never been single and wanted to figure himself out. Apparently it only took him 5 months to figure himself out because that's how long it was before he had a new gf. I guess at this point I am bitter but that's getting less and less everyday. Of course every prediction I've gotten for contact or reconciliation has obviously not come to pass, but I still have hope on some level. He and I are still involved in each others lives on the fringes. We have lots of mutual friends and similar lifestyles so we have seen each other publicly and for the most part we are cool with one another, but our conversations might as well be about the weather because he talks to me like I am merely an acquaintance. Sometimes I wish there was a pill I could take that would make me forget that he was the love of my life, I'd spend more money on that than the small fortune I've spent on readings, hahaha!! Anyway, sorry for rambling on. But, yes, closure is def an issue for me, too. I've always gotten closure in my past relationships but for some reason this man refuses to give me that peace and yes I have even literally asked him for as much.

[lightme]

my opinion on closure: actions speak louder than words.

[stelka]

Lighme, exactly! I got my closure because I asked him straight up. We came back from the break-up and it had never been the same since. Even then I was trying and willing to work on it, he wasn't. Obviously he thinks he did try but not enough in my opinion. . I got frustrated one day and because I'm a hasty Aries and asked him if he is ready for the real relationship. He finally said that the timing is not good for it, that he has lots on his place and can't give me what I want right now. I wasn't asking for much but he wasn't able to give me even that. Well, I'm glad he told me that so I can really move on. If he ever comes back I may re-evaluate the situation but honestly I think and hope there would be nothing to re-evaluate at that point. One wise psychic told me that I can't stay still waiting for him. I need to move forward and enjoy everyday to the fullest because that's what the creator wanted for us. If I don't it's like I'm not appreciating breathing. Those words stuck with me and I'm enjoying my life. Already met someone and having a good time.

[Synergy]

Well, looks like my departure was short lived, but I just really have to respond to this post.

I completely agree with Lightme and stelka.  Here's the thing, ladies (and you few gentlemen here), we can only get closure ourselves.  That's it.  It's so simple.  No one can provide that for us.  If a man walks away or treats you like dirt, I think that means that he's doesn't want this.  Sure, maybe he'll come back.  There's no denying that.  Maybe he needs time.  We've heard all the reasons, so I won't list them.   The thing is, we have to accept the current reality of our situations.

The other thing is that men and women are radically different.  A man can compartmentalize.  He can end a relationship and then move on with his life without any outward signs of saddness.  As a woman, I know that I tend to linger, and I have all these questions.  Why?? What did I do wrong?  How can I fix things?  The thing is that we can't internalize as much as we do.  Sometimes these men are just straight up screwed up, and the best thing to do is to let them go. 

I asked C straightforward if there was any hope for us because I needed closure as well.  He proceeded to tell me that he just couldn't be in a relationship right now because of an impending trip and because of what he went through in his last relationship.  Well, two weeks after that conversation I found out that he has a serious girlfriend now.  She's gross, and I don't get it.  Now I have even more questions, but I have realized that there's no point in lingering anymore.  He's done. It doesn't matter why.  It doesn't matter that I am still hurt.  It's over. We are basically torturing ourselves because we want answers so badly.  Really, it's not worth it.

[4everhopeful]

I agree Synergy. I did the same thing for too long. I still think of my ex, I still wonder what went wrong. But that doesnt help me to move on so I try so hard to just put him out of my mind when he does pop up. All I ever heard from the psychics was he was confused or scared of a committed relationship. Well, excuse me, but he has been with is current girlfriend for over a year and a half. Doesnt seem to scared to me, lol. I should have let the anger in long ago, but the psychics said no, dont let the anger take over. Well the the anger at him is the only thing that got me through and got me to the point of giving up on that relationship or of him ever contacting me again. The anger let the reality in and the fantasy out. At one point, he even emailed me and told me he want in love with me. I, of course, made that famous phone call and talked to Red, one of the most renowned at CP. When I tole her what he said she had the nerve to ask me, "And you believed him?" So of course I believed her instead. I should have believed him, lmfao. Three and almost four years later I finally believe him and not the psychics. I dont mean to be negative or put anyone down, but I just know that 95% of my predictions never came through. And of course I was always the one to blame even though they kept telling me to do nothing which is what I did. Oh well. But I still love to hear the stories of those predictions that did come true. Just wish mine had but Ive lost hope at this point so I really need to change my name, lol.

[sunandmoon]

4ever, finally getting angry is what pulled me out of it too. I was always so understanding during that whole time, I would have forgiven him for everything. But I finally had to accept the fact that despite him professing his eternal love for me, breaking up my marriage, losing friends in the process, losing a good job - that he had no desire to be with me anymore. Not even as a friend. Yep, the psychic gave me every excuse in the book for it too. 95% of them said he'd be back. 100% of them were wrong. As I'm typing, I just remembered dreamt last night I had a chance to ask him why he left. Don't know if I ever got the question out of my mouth though. Not that it matters.

For many of us, closure will need to come from within.

[Zee]

Sometimes closure does come from confronting the person who you need closure from.  I had a co-worker who after over nine years was able to speak to her ex about how he was the first person she gave her heart to and how he trampled all over it.  Some of the blame was hers for staying in such an unhealthy relationship and after numerous attempts at breaking free, only to return to him.  She told me once of an incident where she was finally dating a good guy, only to have the ex return (she took him back) and made her dump the new guy. He cheated on her constantly, by getting various girls pregnant, during the course of their relationship, even while they lived together.  He actually kind of made her cuckoo, but she was able to tell him everything and throughout their conversation, he talked about his fiancé being pregnant, who he met while dating another girl.  This helped her realize that it wasn’t her and that he had the issues, because he didn’t treat the next girl better, he treated them all the same.  She has since moved on and married a much older man with money, who completely takes care of her; giving her the safety and security she always looked for in a partner.

[luckymom]

Hello! My fellow ladies. This is lucky mom. Sorry if I call you this way, but this forum has helped me and keeps helping me so much.  Our stories are so similar. I agreed with Synergy, men just move on to the next relationship. And we just keep asking “why?” If you remember my story since my ex left the girlfriend he dumped me for when I was 4 months pregnant of our second child. He has tried to communicate with me. 4 weeks ago, he asked for forgiveness, but he also made clear he has no intentions of a romantic relationship with me. We have two children together, so we have to see each other and communicate. This has been so hard for me, when I like him so much. Anyway, as you also remember, he also has been trying to get money from me. He is a lawyer, but yet he comes to me with the story that he is struggling financially and he wants me to cancelled child support for a year until he gets to a better place. AS of right now I feel as a NO, in fact I was thinking the opposite, when I filed for child support he was not making as much as he is now. In the other hand he is now VERY friendly and takes the kids 2 days a week. Let me know what you think my fellow ladies....going for 6 mile run now  

[Zee]

OMG lucky mom, remember the old adage?  Flies with honey...

If he was nicer throughout this ordeal of how he dumped you my thoughts would be different, but since he is being super friendly all of a sudden?  Nada.  He knows you still like him and plan on using that to his advantage.  This is just another in a sea of opinions you will be getting, but don't cancel child support at all. Tell him you will let the courts decide because they can reduce the amount he has to pay based on his declining financial resources.  If this is allowed, you would need to monitor when his resources make an upswing, so you then get it increased. It doesn’t appear as if you’re sticking it to him, but don’t let him shirk his duties altogether.

I've known men who want to reduce or remove their child support obligations altogether, and many have succeeded by working for only cash jobs (this is extremely doable) and nothing on paper to track.  Also some have started other businesses and have placed the business in another name so nothing shows they have any income at all.  I’m not saying he would do any of this, but that it has been done (and one only needs a year). Plus, you have two children to support and he is pestering you for money??

He is still living the single life, while the mother takes on full responsibility. My vote is not to do it, besides two days out of the week to act as father, is nothing compared to the five days out of the week you are the mother.

[luckymom]

Thank you Zee! Everything you said is right. Are you a psychic? Just kidding   His sudden friendship is too fishy. Plus he is not even doing 2 days, it is just 8hrs on Sundays and 3 hrs on Wednesday. Thanks again.

[Zee]

Psychic? no,  Intuitive perhaps.  I just don't want to see you taken advantage of, like so many others.

What irritates me is how it's like he is saying he wants to take a year off.  Sorry, time off from what? Being a father? F! that.

I don't care what men say or the way they have some women convinced, but motherhood is the hardest job in the world.  Period!  And they don’t need a paycheck at the end of the week to prove that. Not all men, but most men can't even be in the same category with the things women (Mothers in particular) go through.  Such b.s.

I’m not a mother yet but when that happens, I know I’ll be wearing that badge proudly.

[loops77]

No offense to you, luckymom, but he sounds like a total loser. After all he put you through, he decides to be nice to get off child support? He is a lawyer, he very well knows that the court won't grant him any break. Don't let him get away with this...