Relationship Psychology Discussions > The Vent
Forgiveness
Fidget1028:
Forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Forgive everyone, including yourself. It's the first step to getting peace back in your life.
sawthelight:
--- Quote from: Fidget1028 on March 11, 2019, 10:38:01 AM ---Forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Forgive everyone, including yourself. It's the first step to getting peace back in your life.
--- End quote ---
This ^^
Hugs to you happyk. You sound like an amazing person and you will see light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t beat yourself up for being a good person and trying to see people past their flaws.
sawthelight:
--- Quote from: Still tired on March 11, 2019, 06:51:43 AM ---I feel like the most important person to forgive (and maybe the hardest) is yourself. I'm not sure that the others matter if you forgive them or not. I could say that I forgive my ex but if he walked back into my life? I'd just be mad at him all over again. The same if any of those readers ever played with my head again. The only one who can stop those things from happening is me, by moving on and making different choices. I can only forgive myself for not doing it sooner. If nothing else, you could look at it is a matter of being practical and just getting on with things. It isn't about deserving forgiveness. We all deserve to get on with our lives, and maybe the people around us deserve it too.
As for other people...I think it's not something that we "do" or choose to do. Real forgiveness comes in its own time, usually when you are not looking for it. If you try to do it too soon, it is like closing up a wound that didn't heal properly. It's okay to be angry. From a rational point of view, the people who fail us in whatever way are only human like we are. They make mistakes, and they face whatever consequences come from that. A lot of times you can understand the other side and even think well, I really did this to myself. But that really has very little to do with how you feel. It takes time to get through all the feelings you have about what happened. It just takes however long it takes. One day you realize your feelings have changed, or you don't think about it so much anymore. And it can come and go in waves, but eventually even that stops.
I did this twice too, with 2 different exes, who didn't deserve a bit of it...and now, I don't want to get into details but I have realized just how different my life should have been, if I hadn't wasted so much time on these two exes. And I feel like, because of it, I failed other people who are so much more deserving, who needed me. That is the hardest thing to face in all of this, not what I did to myself, or what others did to me, but what I failed to do for others because of my own willfulness.
What I learned from all of it though is it does no good at all to keep going over what happened, what you did wrong or what you might have done differently. It changes nothing. What will be, will be. People are like forces of nature. We probably like to think of ourselves as having more autonomy than that. But the smallest choices we make, build momentum and add up to the big decisions that sweep us away. Accepting who you are and what you have done lets you see those choices more clearly. And forgiving ourselves releases us from the compulsion to do it over again.
--- End quote ---
I can so relate to this too. I feel like I let so many good opportunities go, while waiting for and pining over the first POI I called about. I just couldn't let him go for some reason and I so regret all the time I wasted on him. I almost isolated myself, in a way, just waiting and waiting. The readings made it worse, convincing me I wasn't wasting my time, when I really was.
happyk:
I understand forgiveness is underrated but it's always been the most challenging thing for me. May be that's a lesson I need to learn. I'm usually able to forgive others but myself. But thank you for your support guys. I can't tell you how much this forum had helped me. I've been reading reviews here since forever.
Looking back I regret my decisions too, I'm only wasting time and money and breath and what not but at that moment that's all that mattered. I thought I learned me lesson but apparently not. The only thing that I can do now is to not be vulnerable anymore. I know it sounds bad when I say I'm gonna close myself up but that's the only way I can protect myself.
happyk:
--- Quote from: Still tired on March 11, 2019, 04:03:34 PM ---
--- Quote from: happyk on March 11, 2019, 03:33:08 PM ---I understand forgiveness is underrated but it's always been the most challenging thing for me. May be that's a lesson I need to learn. I'm usually able to forgive others but myself. But thank you for your support guys. I can't tell you how much this forum had helped me. I've been reading reviews here since forever.
Looking back I regret my decisions too, I'm only wasting time and money and breath and what not but at that moment that's all that mattered. I thought I learned me lesson but apparently not. The only thing that I can do now is to not be vulnerable anymore. I know it sounds bad when I say I'm gonna close myself up but that's the only way I can protect myself.
--- End quote ---
It doesn't sound bad. I had to do the same thing. I tend to want to see the best in people even when they prove me wrong and that has been a big problem for me. But it's not so easy to just change that tendency. So I protect myself by being distant or closed off. Sometimes we just have certain traits that we can't change so you do what you have to do to protect that. Your biggest weakness could also be what you treasure most about yourself or what eventually helps you find happiness. Society kind of teaches us to put out what we value in ourselves to prove our worth (whether in a relationship, job, school, etc.) When the reality is you need to carefully protect what you value and reserve it for those who genuinely value it rather than taking advantage of it or taking it for granted.
--- End quote ---
You are right Still Tired. I have so much love to give and I forget to notice who's worthy and who's not. Even after I get hurt, instead of moving on I keep thinking what did I do wrong. How f*cked up if that? Anyone in my life would be lucky to have me and so many people depend on me and trust me but these men instead of appreciating me just walk all over me. I think a lot of us here have that in common. We should start a dating thing right here lol.
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