Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story
How does it work? *warning, very cynical view here*
Miss Philosopher:
I think your guy is just young and yes, has commitment issues due to his lack of emotional maturity. That isn't to say that he will not mature at some point and get a clue. Just saying that maybe that's where he's at now in his life. Hell, I know some dudes that are still that way in their 40s lol. I think commitment phobia comes from a few things. One is, a fear of being hurt. If your guy or any guy for that matter has been heartbroken and burned in the past, it's very hard for them to commit again due to that heartbreak. It will happen that they will eventually commit, but it may be a while.
There are also some men that enjoy the comfort and security of the relationship, but don't want the responsibilities that come with said relationship. They want to do what they want to do without having to consider someone else, but at the same time they want to keep the comfort and security of a stable relationship. At the end of the day, it's selfish behavior. That's the gist of it. Selfishness is emotional immaturity at its finest.
star1:
--- Quote from: Miss Philosopher on December 02, 2018, 12:55:10 AM ---I think your guy is just young and yes, has commitment issues due to his lack of emotional maturity. That isn't to say that he will not mature at some point and get a clue. Just saying that maybe that's where he's at now in his life. Hell, I know some dudes that are still that way in their 40s lol. I think commitment phobia comes from a few things. One is, a fear of being hurt. If your guy or any guy for that matter has been heartbroken and burned in the past, it's very hard for them to commit again due to that heartbreak. It will happen that they will eventually commit, but it may be a while.
There are also some men that enjoy the comfort and security of the relationship, but don't want the responsibilities that come with said relationship. They want to do what they want to do without having to consider someone else, but at the same time they want to keep the comfort and security of a stable relationship. At the end of the day, it's selfish behavior. That's the gist of it. Selfishness is emotional immaturity at its finest.
--- End quote ---
See (again) readings are confusing because some readers said that my ex partner has NPD traits and will never change. I will say he does have traits of that, but it's not extreme like another ex had. Some said he won't ever be able to be consistent. I won't go into details but most people who act up usually had a bad childhood and that's the case here. My POI and yours has the same star sign and yours is older obviously, and perhaps mine when he's your guys age might still be the same. Leanne Halyburton told me that she wouldn't be surprised if he gets a woman pregnant within the next 18 months and another reader said it once. He's certainly unstable - I know guys, why should I care for someone like this.
Miss Philosopher:
Here's the thing. Your guy is really really young. I believe everyone has the potential to change pending their life experiences etc. He still has a lot of life yet to live and I'm not going to say he won't or can't change. Psychics cannot tell us if someone will ever change or not. It's not a fair assumption. However, it really might take a very long time for changes to occur.
Yes, both are the same star signs and unfortunately that particular star sign is prone to selfishness and emotional unavailability as well as very slow progress as far as maturity goes. However, both have the choice to reflect and change some stuff but other stuff is just part of who they are. I wouldn't be able to tell you which part is which though lol. Like my dad was the same star sign as our POIs, but he was super generous, very very loyal, worked his ass off and was never a leech. He wasn't a cheater either. However, his temper was disgusting and he was very abusive and emotionally over the top selfish. My boss is another one that is the same star sign as our POIs, he's married and has been for 20 years, no kids, refuses to get divorced, he's an attorney with his own business, however, he has constant affairs. He says he doesn't love his wife but won't get divorced cause "she might kill herself" but really, it's because he's a divorce attorney and knows she'll take him to the cleaner financially so he's sooooooooo selfish that he will stay married, keep his wife miserable, and just have affairs. He also has expectations in these affairs in that he wants the mistress to be faithful and be emotionally invested all whilst he remains married. His insanity and flawed logic is derived from his over the top selfishness. Selfishness is truly blinding.
I think there's a fine line between NPD and just plain out super selfish. If someone is going out to purposely harm another and just uses the hell out of you purposely and intentionally, then yeah, that's NPD. However, if a person is simply sooooooo selfish and because of their selfishness, they make selfish decisions which causes hurt and pain on others, but it isn't with the direct intent on purposely hurting you to make themselves feel better, then I don't think that's NPD. I think that's more of a "character disorder" and they are just on the extreme end of selfishness. I think that's the case in your case. I also think that's the case with mine. I don't feel intuitively that it's purposeful or intentional, I just think said person is over the top selfish. I've seen another humanitarian side to said person a lot of times. And, I'm sure you've seen a giving nature in yours. Narcs aren't giving in any way, shape, or form.
star1:
--- Quote from: Miss Philosopher on December 02, 2018, 02:12:13 AM ---Here's the thing. Your guy is really really young. I believe everyone has the potential to change pending their life experiences etc. He still has a lot of life yet to live and I'm not going to say he won't or can't change. Psychics cannot tell us if someone will ever change or not. It's not a fair assumption. However, it really might take a very long time for changes to occur.
Yes, both are the same star signs and unfortunately that particular star sign is prone to selfishness and emotional unavailability as well as very slow progress as far as maturity goes. However, both have the choice to reflect and change some stuff but other stuff is just part of who they are. I wouldn't be able to tell you which part is which though lol. Like my dad was the same star sign as our POIs, but he was super generous, very very loyal, worked his ass off and was never a leech. He wasn't a cheater either. However, his temper was disgusting and he was very abusive and emotionally over the top selfish. My boss is another one that is the same star sign as our POIs, he's married and has been for 20 years, no kids, refuses to get divorced, he's an attorney with his own business, however, he has constant affairs. He says he doesn't love his wife but won't get divorced cause "she might kill herself" but really, it's because he's a divorce attorney and knows she'll take him to the cleaner financially so he's sooooooooo selfish that he will stay married, keep his wife miserable, and just have affairs. He also has expectations in these affairs in that he wants the mistress to be faithful and be emotionally invested all whilst he remains married. His insanity and flawed logic is derived from his over the top selfishness. Selfishness is truly blinding.
I think there's a fine line between NPD and just plain out super selfish. If someone is going out to purposely harm another and just uses the hell out of you purposely and intentionally, then yeah, that's NPD. However, if a person is simply sooooooo selfish and because of their selfishness, they make selfish decisions which causes hurt and pain on others, but it isn't with the direct intent on purposely hurting you to make themselves feel better, then I don't think that's NPD. I think that's more of a "character disorder" and they are just on the extreme end of selfishness. I think that's the case in your case. I also think that's the case with mine. I don't feel intuitively that it's purposeful or intentional, I just think said person is over the top selfish. I've seen another humanitarian side to said person a lot of times. And, I'm sure you've seen a giving nature in yours. Narcs aren't giving in any way, shape, or form.
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I actually do think that my ex has alot of NPD, I've done alot of research on it when a reader called my POI it once and I didn't know the meaning of the word. He matched up to almost all of them except cheating. He has hurt me alot and the way he hasn't shown any remorse for his actions says alot to me. I also notice a pattern with him from his last relationship before me and my relationship with him. He is always self victimising and it was all her fault, he was so good he did no wrong he is a really good partner. He hates admitting fault for things and for him to not come forward and apologise or check I'm okay after how things were last left is a reflector that he probably won't change in that area of never admitting to being wrong. That is unhealthy and an eggshell type of guy right there. I'm slowly realising now I'm moving on. Everything is always someone else's fault. Whether it's his Mum. Dad. Partner. The pet cat or dog or parrot or neighbour. It's never his fault. He could commit a murder and have blood on his hands and he would say someone framed him..
Something that he did which is classic narcissistic behaviour is deflecting. So he would say for example, poor me. My ex was controlling with me, she didn't allow me to talk to any female friends and made me block them, I bought her some jewellery and it wasn't the right colour so she got mad. Well in our relationship he began to show signs like that with me. I have spoken to a reader who told me that this guy until he gets major help will not change and he's going to drag anyone down who comes into his life with him until he gets some serious therapy. She also picked up on his defective "it wasn't me" behaviour.
I was seeing a guy last year at a bad time. I won't go into details here but the guy hurt me and a month later he came back to apologise to me a month later for his actions. With this man, I never got that and he did cause me alot of hurt. And with saying sorry, you don't always have to say the words you're sorry. You can do things around it like send a text asking how someone is and acting like nothing has happened (which is what my ex did), if you owe them something to return it, and other ways around saying sorry like that. He probably is mostly immature, but I think alot of his behaviour is set in him. Even Kisha said there is something in his personality but she isn't sure what... Jealous and possessive people very rarely change. And people with low self esteem. I always will have a low self esteem even if I get married to the most handsome man with the loveliest house and lots of money. I am a firm believer that your childhood makes you. So if you have a shitty childhood, I think alot of the behaviour will set with the person like in your and our POI's case. Almost everyone I've met has got issued to this day because of how tough their childhood was. I think it's very easy to say to someone as a reader that the guy is immature and is that and this. Likewise I don't think all behaviour can be blamed on immaturity, I think lots of it is down to personality. I also think it can be dangerous when a woman could be dealing with a abusive guy for them to tell her he's just going through an immature phase. I think it is very hard (unless a psychologist) to determine if it's immaturity or set in them.
star1:
--- Quote from: Still tired on December 02, 2018, 06:18:31 AM ---People with NPD are literally immature in a way they won't ever grow out of. Very unlikely anyway. They get stuck developmentally around the age of 5-6 years old. When a person can't ever take accountability or apologize or show remorse that's a very bad sign. And combined with jealousy and possesiveness, all kinds of things could go wrong with that. Star1 you might really dodge a bullet if you lose this guy.
--- End quote ---
Thanks Still Tired. I completely agree - someone can be immatue, but still accept and apologise if they have done something wrong. If he is not able to apologise or at least show remorse at even his age, then it is worrying. He very much is someone who can't take the blame and always shifts it onto someone else. That is not healthy and I'm beginning to realise it all more, now. The fact he hasn't come forward to check I'm okay or say sorry or anything shows that he still is in that "it's all your fault, but never mine" phase.
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