Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story

So what is it really all about?

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Miss Philosopher:

--- Quote from: Still tired on December 07, 2018, 03:54:13 AM ---
--- Quote from: attaboy on December 07, 2018, 02:08:19 AM ---Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

--- End quote ---

I don't know anyone like that...and that sounds shallow to me, or like someone with serious character issues. Maybe an urbanite kind of thing. Not something I would aspire to in any case. There's a nice place in between being devastated, and acting like nothing happened. I think acting like nothing happened is just as indicative of attachment problems, as not being able to let go, maybe more so.

There are lots of reasons why people feel like they may not find love again. People have unique qualities that are not interchangeable or replaceable. When you lose that, it is normal to grieve for awhile. Life circumstances may be different after you break up with someone. We all get older or may feel less attractive at some point. I have health issues and I don't have much energy for a relationship right now. Maybe I won't ever feel up to it again. Life gives us opportunities we never expect, so you never know, but life also takes opportunities away mercilessly as time passes. That's why I still post here, to say to people, don't do what I did, because in the end you will wonder what you missed out on while you were getting readings. Life is too short to spend it focusing on someone who is not there.

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Beautiful. Thank you.

star1:

--- Quote from: attaboy on December 07, 2018, 02:08:19 AM ---
--- Quote from: Still tired on December 06, 2018, 10:32:56 PM ---I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.

--- End quote ---

Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

These people are able to get over it and move on quickly because they had proper healthy attachment from early on.  Since they KNOW they will be able to find love again they do not worry, fret, or sulk, simply because to them, they know for sure they will be able to find someone else.  They are not dependent or desperate for someone else to love them because they learned to love themselves through healthy attachment and ultimately detachment from caregivers.

I understand what you are cautioning me for, but in reality it's not in fact the loss of the partner that we are upset over, it's the fact we lost the love we thought we had and the ability or inability for that partner to meet our unmet needs.  It's crazy to think about.  I may be digging in really deep.  I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something to chew on.  I completely understand where you are coming from.  I welcome your thoughts and never judge.  Discussion is pretty cool, especially when someone else understands attachment theory!

I'm getting to the point where I'm going to wind down my exposure to psychics.  I'll be pulling the plug before the 1st of the year.  I won't look back.  I read with enough psychics by now that have given me many outcomes, many timeframes, etc....etc....

If she comes back then things will be on my terms.  I'll be super careful and will keep my distance.  She will have so much to prove to regain both my trust and respect.  It can be done, but it's going to be a very difficult challenge for her.

Ladies - what would be some personal boundaries you would respect in a man if you had dumped him and decided to come back to him because A) you felt like you made a mistake or B) nothing else worked out for you?

I know that accepting her back with no consequences would make her not respect me very much and without respect there is no love.  So, I'm curious to hear from the ladies what would make you respect a man, specifically boundaries, in the event you decided to go back to your ex partner?

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I'm sorry, but I disagree with this first part. It is perfectly healthy and normal to be hurt over a relationship, especially long term. A bond with someone who you have been intimate with, shared secrets with and your life, been through so many things together is normal to be upset over. So it's okay for people to be upset over grieving of losing others out of our lives, but not relationships? Yes, I obviously think calling psychics and hanging on for months waiting on someone is unhealthy, especially if the relationship is unhealthy and on and off which I have had one myself and it did me no good (talking about my own experiences with that - not anyone directly). But it's perfectly normal for someone to get hurt and take a while to get over a loved one.. I've known perfectly stable people who have good lives reminisce over their exes (which is why they come back and make contact) and look back on the relationship.

Sometimes people have these sudden sparks of melancholy about an ex. I have a friend out of nowhere who said to me he thought about a girl in summer that they both liked each other but things didn't take off and he seemed to be regretful. He said it once and moved on, it doesn't mean he's thinking unhealthy and obsessing over.. I think back to my past and my exes occasionally. I'm over one of them, honest to God. But because they were such a huge part or your life, you shared so much together you do think "Oh, I wonder what he's doing with his life, now?". I don't think that there's anything wrong to grieve over when a relationship breaks down. I've seen perfectly happy stable people grieve over a relationship.. It's how we go about it that shows our deep down issues. We can choose to be sad but carry on with our lives and that's okay. Or we can call psychics and wait around for months on someone (which I have learned my lessons and don't regret the psychic circle because I got to meet so many people and learn so many lessons). And yes - the latter is unhealthy.

sawthelight:

--- Quote from: Still tired on December 07, 2018, 03:54:13 AM ---
--- Quote from: attaboy on December 07, 2018, 02:08:19 AM ---Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

--- End quote ---

I don't know anyone like that...and that sounds shallow to me, or like someone with serious character issues. Maybe an urbanite kind of thing. Not something I would aspire to in any case. There's a nice place in between being devastated, and acting like nothing happened. I think acting like nothing happened is just as indicative of attachment problems, as not being able to let go, maybe more so.

There are lots of reasons why people feel like they may not find love again. People have unique qualities that are not interchangeable or replaceable. When you lose that, it is normal to grieve for awhile. Life circumstances may be different after you break up with someone. We all get older or may feel less attractive at some point. I have health issues and I don't have much energy for a relationship right now. Maybe I won't ever feel up to it again. Life gives us opportunities we never expect, so you never know, but life also takes opportunities away mercilessly as time passes. That's why I still post here, to say to people, don't do what I did, because in the end you will wonder what you missed out on while you were getting readings. Life is too short to spend it focusing on someone who is not there.

--- End quote ---

yes, I agree.  I can't see walking away from a relationship that you invested time and emotions in, and just being all "hey I'm ok" a day later..it's normal to grieve and feel loss and sad..and anyone who doesn't sounds like a very cold person.

daughterofcups - P:

--- Quote from: attaboy on December 06, 2018, 09:02:48 PM ---
I haven't taken any formal psychology courses.  I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker.  I analyze and think way too much!  I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...

What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know.  I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did.  This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together.  Gee!  I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma.  My guess is no.  These people have no business being therapists.  It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them.  They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves. 

--- End quote ---

So i agree with most of what youre saying but this actually is super wrong and very much bothers me. I spent 6 years studying clinical psychology and have a masters degree and am a full time therapist. You do not know better than a therapist. You dont. There are many different types of therapies and not all therapists are created equal. You likely havent tried every style and kind of therapy, and you also do not possess the experience or basis of learned knowledge for this. Like at all. I can tell by how youre describing your “knowledge”. Half of this is incorrect. Also- yes, attachment style is very relevant, but it does not explain everything, by any means. There are a multitude of factors and theoretical backgeounds that relate to how we function in relationships- and not everything is object relations based (your relationship with your parents)- thats an extremely narrow and freudian view, and is basically archaeic. You have zero understanding of mental illness outside of basic understandings of human psych 101, and no you are not smarter than all your therapists, which by the way you should know they probably picked up on that themselves without you knowing and wrote it into your treatment plan. If you want more explanation or elaboration on my part in this as someone who’s actually studied this please let me know. Until you spend time working with schizophrenic patients, nonverbal patients, or people who have survived incestual sex abuse and severe trauma- please do not hop out the gate saying this. As a woman im not surprised, but its super tiring to hear.

daughterofcups - P:

--- Quote from: Still tired on December 07, 2018, 09:57:46 PM ---
--- Quote from: daughterofcups - P on December 07, 2018, 08:32:13 PM ---...and no you are not smarter than all your therapists...
--- End quote ---

You don't know that. The average iq of psychologists is around 110. Most people don't even really comprehend intelligence more than about one standard deviation higher than their own. Maybe 2 deviations at best, but the ability to relate is really anyway strained at that gap. In most professions, competency and training matter more than compatibility. Iq is a good predictor of competency but I mean it doesn't matter if the person fixing your car is less intelligent than you are, so long as they know what they are doing. When it comes to minds, though, and talk therapy, it is tedious to talk to a therapist with a significantly lower iq.

--- End quote ---


Well if you knew much about psychology you’d know IQ isnt used in any psychological basis, at all, or taken seriously in the mental health care world. Its not seen as an accurrate measure anymore. Also, IQ is not emotional intelligence, which is what actually matters in the professions. Psychopaths and narcissists can have high IQ’s, and they would also be shit therapists for obvious reasons.
I know what youre saying, and sure there are probably dumb therapists out there believe me i get it “surface level” pinterest advice is annoying as hell, but people dont go to school for 6 years and dedicate their entire lives to clinical research just for one guy who thinks they “get it” to come in and off the bat be like “yo i know more than this person!!”.. which is why i said those same therapists he claimed are dumb with “unresolved trauma” likely know he thinks hes smarter than them  before he even had the thought. Trust me, i see this all the time, and its usually adolescents or people with a developmental level of an adolscent with a lot of trust issues and trauma, and its a defense from vulnerability, and its one of the easiest things to spot. Therapists are 9/10 much more observant and aware than people assume, and are just really great at not coming off condescending because that would be idiotic. Do you know how many times a day i “play dumb” to serve a therapeutic purpose? A lot lol. but as far as pure understanding and academic knowledge- no he does not know better and is not smarter than a therapist. he doesnt have the educational background, at all, nor the experience and like i said based on his speaking on it alone , that much is obvious to me.


See. I get it, because ive been to therapists who are a little slower moving than me, i process things quickly and am very self aware- which this person probably is- so someone saying something to me like “using I feel statements is better!” To me is like okay lol, no shit. I need to dig deeper than basic advice.. however I wouldnt chalk that up to the therapists intelligence, but rather their approach/ personal therapuetic style.

 Its a bit like an adolescent who argued with his international law professor because he saw a few youtube videos, and thinks theyre smarter than their dumb ol’ parents at age 14. Or a student who took econ 101 and now thinks they can fix the economy. If anything it shows an issue with authority and a deep distrust and fear of rejection/ vulnerability, but i wont get into that right now.

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