Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story
So what is it really all about?
attaboy:
I think when our lives become stormy and we get the wind knocked out of us, we look for ANYTHING that can provide some relief. It's almost analogous to when we get sick and take medication. The medication will temporarily make us feel better (i.e. relieve uncomfortable symptoms), but how we truly heal is by allowing time to pass, allowing for our bodies to fight off whatever bacteria or virus invaded it. The medication is just there to temporarily make things a little more comfortable during the process of getting healthy, once again.
I believe calling psychics is that temporary relief to make those unpleasant symptoms a little more tolerable. No doubt we are all uncomfortable and have intrusive thoughts about our POIs in our head at all hours of the day. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud, while other times they aren't as noticeable.
Many times it just doesn't seem fair that they get to live their life happy and most of the time with someone new, while we sit here heartbroken, still being as loyal to them as if we were still together. Isn't that bizarre?
I've felt bad about things for a long time now. I'm a dude, yes, we have feelings too, and we go through the same turmoil that you ladies go through. It's just I think society has conditioned men not to come forward and talk about their unpleasant feelings. I, for one, know I'm a confident man. Having emotions is a part of being a human. If I didn't have them then I would be a robot.
I'm not going to lie, I'm very intelligent. I know a lot about human psychology, human behavior, and in general quite a bit about being a good partner.
For the most part your ex partner thinks about you, even if they are with someone. If they bonded with you then you can pretty much assume that they did not forget about you! Almost all of my exes came back to be with me again. Many times your ex will compare their new partner to you. Also, their new partner may not have any clue how to even be a good partner in general (i.e. meeting their needs, grooming, hygiene, manners, etc...). They think this new partner is everything for them. That is because everything is so new and exciting. Biochemically speaking when we experience love our brain produces dopamine, Oxycontin, and other chemicals that are also produced when someone shoots up heroin. These chemicals are super addictive. This 'high' only lasts a certain time, this is typically called the honeymoon period. Once this honeymoon period ends these chemicals begin to drop significantly. And it's usually during this time these brain chemicals drop where your ex partner realizes what kind of mess they got themselves into. This could be where they discover they made a bad decision. Typically when we make decisions based on emotions those choices end up not being as good as those we could have made by using logic and reasoning.
See, what happens most of the time is our exes fantasize about this new person. But, that's all it is, is a fantasy. They believe this person is everything for them, when in reality 9 times out of 10 things will not work out. They think 'YES! Finally so-and-so is going to meet ALL my unmet needs'. But in reality that is just not the case. Your ex has to solve those issues on their own. If they are relying on another person to meet their needs and make them happy to complete them it's indicative that something is wrong with your ex (i.e. they are not complete/whole and they are searching for someone to complete them, rather than searching for someone to compliment them). How many relationships have you had? How many have been successful? See, the majority of relationships just don't last or they are not successful. So, don't sweat it when you see your ex happy with another person. It likely won't work out. And guess what? When that crumbles apart guess who your ex is going to look back to? You guessed it. They will revisit the idea of a relationship with you. The best part is they will look at the past relationship through rose colored glasses. This means they will be biased and only look at the good elements of what you had together. Enough time has passed for them to forget about the bad times and problems you faced.
Psychologically speaking - and I'm not a professional doctor, therapist, or licensed anything, so take this how you want: everything is related to how we attached to our caregivers during our first two years of life. If we had healthy attachment then when things go sideways in romantic relationships we are more able to move on, because we have had proper attachment. We know that someone else will love us and won't feel as though that (the ex) was the only person that could ever love us. There is also unhealthy attachment and that is where many of us, unfortunately fall. We either have an avoidant attachment style or a preoccupied anxious attachment style. There is also one called disorganized attachment, but that only affects a very small subset of the population (usually those adopted or those that have been in foster-care during their childhood). These unhealthy attachment styles manifest in our romantic relationships because that is what is familiar to us.
In other words we seek partners that can never fulfill our unmet needs. We gravitate towards those partners that mimic our caregivers in a struggle to finally get them to meet our unmet needs, because we never had them met. We were supposed to attach healthily while we were babies, but for whatever reason our caregivers did not do the best job. I'm not bashing parents or caregivers here, because they probably did the best they could, but when push comes to shove, they, many times, failed at meeting our needs.
When this psychology and human behavior is understood it really opens up your eyes. We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us. The action of our partner leaving is only what, on the surface, has caused that band-aid to be ripped off, uncovering all the trauma from our early childhood that we never dealt with. We buried shit for years and years and carry that subconsciously with us. It never leaves us. Not until we deal with it.
I haven't taken any formal psychology courses. I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker. I analyze and think way too much! I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...
What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists. It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them. They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves.
The point of this post is to let you all know that these feelings are perfectly normal, BUT, the reason we feel this way is because we have not dealt with the attachment injuries we had while we were babies. Until that is solved and managed we will repeat this cycle, picking out the wrong partner in an effort for them to meet our needs that we never had met, by our caregivers. We will fall in love, get invested, and ultimately break up, suffering heartache once again.
I'd be happy to expand on any of the above in an effort to help anyone out that is curious.
Your feelings are not disenfranchised - I completely acknowledge them.
jhuskindle:
Amen!!!!
star1:
--- Quote from: Still tired on December 06, 2018, 10:32:56 PM ---
--- Quote from: attaboy on December 06, 2018, 09:02:48 PM ---What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists.
--- End quote ---
Yep! I was like that as a teenager. I read a lot of college textbooks. I saw a psychologist when I was 15 who said outright he couldn't do anything for me because I already knew too much about psychology. Lol.
Psychology has its uses, but I have benefited a lot more from philosophy, in particular evolutionary and political philosophy. I believe the vast majority of problems people have with relationships nowadays result from cultural changes not matching what our brains and bodies have adapted evolutionary strategies for. And a lot of attachment problems and other developmental issues result from those cultural changes.
I agree a lot of people have no business being therapists. They have their own unresolved problems that drew them to wanting to help others and they can have a lot of blind spots. But therapy won't help much anyway if it doesn't show you how to reason your own way through a problem. Some can do that, but some can't reason their way out of a paper bag. And most use a lot of sophistry, which can leave a client worse off than they were when they walked in.
Validation for our feelings is important, and that was what kept me calling psychics because in some ways they gave that to me when no one else did. It was beneficial to an extent but I got very dependent on it. Eventually what snapped me out of it, was to stop focusing so much on my feelings and use logic instead.
I had to face some hard realities to do so but I think that's at the core of why we start calling psychics. The circumstances and underlying psychological reasons may vary but the one common theme is psychics tell us things that are not evident in reality. Those things or may not be true, they may become evident later, or they may prove to be false. But either way, the things they tell us are not evident in reality at the time of the reading.
When we get readings, there's some fundamental desire there to see or know something other than what reality shows us and tells us in that moment. It may be the shock of loss or betrayal - which can be really difficult, even physically as well as emotionally and like you said we look for anything that will bring relief. Readings may be driven by anxiety or suspicion or hypervigilance. Or it may be sheer escapsim.
But in any case, readings are a way of bargaining with reality, a way of looking for life to be something other than what it currently is.
I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.
--- End quote ---
attaboy:
--- Quote from: Still tired on December 06, 2018, 10:32:56 PM ---I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.
--- End quote ---
Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it? Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened? You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship! I would be DEVASTATED!!
These people are able to get over it and move on quickly because they had proper healthy attachment from early on. Since they KNOW they will be able to find love again they do not worry, fret, or sulk, simply because to them, they know for sure they will be able to find someone else. They are not dependent or desperate for someone else to love them because they learned to love themselves through healthy attachment and ultimately detachment from caregivers.
I understand what you are cautioning me for, but in reality it's not in fact the loss of the partner that we are upset over, it's the fact we lost the love we thought we had and the ability or inability for that partner to meet our unmet needs. It's crazy to think about. I may be digging in really deep. I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something to chew on. I completely understand where you are coming from. I welcome your thoughts and never judge. Discussion is pretty cool, especially when someone else understands attachment theory!
I'm getting to the point where I'm going to wind down my exposure to psychics. I'll be pulling the plug before the 1st of the year. I won't look back. I read with enough psychics by now that have given me many outcomes, many timeframes, etc....etc....
If she comes back then things will be on my terms. I'll be super careful and will keep my distance. She will have so much to prove to regain both my trust and respect. It can be done, but it's going to be a very difficult challenge for her.
Ladies - what would be some personal boundaries you would respect in a man if you had dumped him and decided to come back to him because A) you felt like you made a mistake or B) nothing else worked out for you?
I know that accepting her back with no consequences would make her not respect me very much and without respect there is no love. So, I'm curious to hear from the ladies what would make you respect a man, specifically boundaries, in the event you decided to go back to your ex partner?
Miss Philosopher:
--- Quote from: attaboy on December 06, 2018, 09:02:48 PM ---I think when our lives become stormy and we get the wind knocked out of us, we look for ANYTHING that can provide some relief. It's almost analogous to when we get sick and take medication. The medication will temporarily make us feel better (i.e. relieve uncomfortable symptoms), but how we truly heal is by allowing time to pass, allowing for our bodies to fight off whatever bacteria or virus invaded it. The medication is just there to temporarily make things a little more comfortable during the process of getting healthy, once again.
I believe calling psychics is that temporary relief to make those unpleasant symptoms a little more tolerable. No doubt we are all uncomfortable and have intrusive thoughts about our POIs in our head at all hours of the day. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud, while other times they aren't as noticeable.
Many times it just doesn't seem fair that they get to live their life happy and most of the time with someone new, while we sit here heartbroken, still being as loyal to them as if we were still together. Isn't that bizarre?
I've felt bad about things for a long time now. I'm a dude, yes, we have feelings too, and we go through the same turmoil that you ladies go through. It's just I think society has conditioned men not to come forward and talk about their unpleasant feelings. I, for one, know I'm a confident man. Having emotions is a part of being a human. If I didn't have them then I would be a robot.
I'm not going to lie, I'm very intelligent. I know a lot about human psychology, human behavior, and in general quite a bit about being a good partner.
For the most part your ex partner thinks about you, even if they are with someone. If they bonded with you then you can pretty much assume that they did not forget about you! Almost all of my exes came back to be with me again. Many times your ex will compare their new partner to you. Also, their new partner may not have any clue how to even be a good partner in general (i.e. meeting their needs, grooming, hygiene, manners, etc...). They think this new partner is everything for them. That is because everything is so new and exciting. Biochemically speaking when we experience love our brain produces dopamine, Oxycontin, and other chemicals that are also produced when someone shoots up heroin. These chemicals are super addictive. This 'high' only lasts a certain time, this is typically called the honeymoon period. Once this honeymoon period ends these chemicals begin to drop significantly. And it's usually during this time these brain chemicals drop where your ex partner realizes what kind of mess they got themselves into. This could be where they discover they made a bad decision. Typically when we make decisions based on emotions those choices end up not being as good as those we could have made by using logic and reasoning.
See, what happens most of the time is our exes fantasize about this new person. But, that's all it is, is a fantasy. They believe this person is everything for them, when in reality 9 times out of 10 things will not work out. They think 'YES! Finally so-and-so is going to meet ALL my unmet needs'. But in reality that is just not the case. Your ex has to solve those issues on their own. If they are relying on another person to meet their needs and make them happy to complete them it's indicative that something is wrong with your ex (i.e. they are not complete/whole and they are searching for someone to complete them, rather than searching for someone to compliment them). How many relationships have you had? How many have been successful? See, the majority of relationships just don't last or they are not successful. So, don't sweat it when you see your ex happy with another person. It likely won't work out. And guess what? When that crumbles apart guess who your ex is going to look back to? You guessed it. They will revisit the idea of a relationship with you. The best part is they will look at the past relationship through rose colored glasses. This means they will be biased and only look at the good elements of what you had together. Enough time has passed for them to forget about the bad times and problems you faced.
Psychologically speaking - and I'm not a professional doctor, therapist, or licensed anything, so take this how you want: everything is related to how we attached to our caregivers during our first two years of life. If we had healthy attachment then when things go sideways in romantic relationships we are more able to move on, because we have had proper attachment. We know that someone else will love us and won't feel as though that (the ex) was the only person that could ever love us. There is also unhealthy attachment and that is where many of us, unfortunately fall. We either have an avoidant attachment style or a preoccupied anxious attachment style. There is also one called disorganized attachment, but that only affects a very small subset of the population (usually those adopted or those that have been in foster-care during their childhood). These unhealthy attachment styles manifest in our romantic relationships because that is what is familiar to us.
In other words we seek partners that can never fulfill our unmet needs. We gravitate towards those partners that mimic our caregivers in a struggle to finally get them to meet our unmet needs, because we never had them met. We were supposed to attach healthily while we were babies, but for whatever reason our caregivers did not do the best job. I'm not bashing parents or caregivers here, because they probably did the best they could, but when push comes to shove, they, many times, failed at meeting our needs.
When this psychology and human behavior is understood it really opens up your eyes. We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us. The action of our partner leaving is only what, on the surface, has caused that band-aid to be ripped off, uncovering all the trauma from our early childhood that we never dealt with. We buried shit for years and years and carry that subconsciously with us. It never leaves us. Not until we deal with it.
I haven't taken any formal psychology courses. I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker. I analyze and think way too much! I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...
What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists. It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them. They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves.
The point of this post is to let you all know that these feelings are perfectly normal, BUT, the reason we feel this way is because we have not dealt with the attachment injuries we had while we were babies. Until that is solved and managed we will repeat this cycle, picking out the wrong partner in an effort for them to meet our needs that we never had met, by our caregivers. We will fall in love, get invested, and ultimately break up, suffering heartache once again.
I'd be happy to expand on any of the above in an effort to help anyone out that is curious.
Your feelings are not disenfranchised - I completely acknowledge them.
--- End quote ---
This............this was profound. Thank you for sharing.
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