Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story

I need advice

(1/3) > >>

melancholia:
And I'd rather have realistic advice from people who aren't trying to keep stringing me along for money.

The boyfriend's mother died about a week and a half ago.  He initially lied to me about it and told me she was just in the hospital, but within a day a mutual friend of ours stumbled across the obit.  So I told him and he told me he was sorry and he just didn't know how to handle it and to just give him time.

I've contacted him a handful of times since then, just to see how he's doing, and it's always the same answer - just give me time. He dodged my phone calls and barely responded to my texts.  I left him alone for the entire weekend but finally had to reach out to him yesterday afternoon because of a business matter that he's involved with alongside a friend of mine.  It was literally just to tell him to ignore said friend's texts about it and that I'd handle it...and instead of reading the text, all he said was, "just give me time."

I don't know what to think of any of this.  I've never lost a parent (yet, thank God), so I don't have any idea what he's going through and I don't know if this is normal.  I know PRIOR to my friend starting to bug him about the business matter, he was communicating with him about whatever happened this weekend...but he won't give me anything.  He's also been in contact with the husband of another one of my friends regarding her upcoming birthday party, saying he's hoping that we can make it because it'd really help take his mind off things. But all I get is, "Just give me time."  Not even an, "I'm fine," or "I'm in a bad place," or literally anything that will give me a clue what's happening.

...Help?  I'm not planning on contacting him again, because if it's space he wants, it's space he'll get.  I just don't understand this behavior and I don't know if it's normal or not.

chrys:
I think that all men go through a period of time of pulling back.  I would not contact him until he contacts you.  If you were OK as a couple before the mother died chances are you will make it though this rough patch. 

Zee:
Sorry but I see it as an example of similar things to come.

I was in a relationship ages ago with a guy who talked crap about his family (bottom dweller crap) and his father had a heart attack, died and he was devastated. I didn't hear from him for a month. No texts, letters, phone calls, nothing and then when he got around to calling me, I'm suppose to be understanding? Understanding of what? That he didn't think enough of me to contact me and tell me anything (it is almost a subconscious thing that he viewed me more as a burden rather than a place of solace).

I understood him going through grieving, but to contact everyone under the sun, not the main person who had his back, spoke volumes to me.  I barely took his calls after that and needless to say the relationship fizzled (thank god looking back 'cause I will never go through that crap again) and after about a year, he contacted me saying all this b.s. about how he missed me and all that shyte. I calmly asked that he never contact me again and I just hung up the phone.

Men come up with every effing excuse in the book to do all the right things, except when it involves the woman.
He even has the nerve to not even read your text, turning your concern into something else as if you're hounding him. Your situation irritates me and I don't know either one of you, but his harp on 'give me time' should speak volumes to you as well. I can bet he will eventually get around to calling you and talk about the hard time he has been going through, trying to clear his head, get some things settled, all that mumbo jumbo. 

You have to think that at some point in your lives during your relationship if another close person from his side dies, you will be thrown on the backburner again, while he processes his emotions. It's total bullshit to me, but hey you need to do what you feel.

Zee:

--- Quote from: chrys on May 28, 2014, 07:26:56 AM ---I think that all men go through a period of time of pulling back.  I would not contact him until he contacts you.  If you were OK as a couple before the mother died chances are you will make it though this rough patch.

--- End quote ---

Oh and when I feel the need to go through a pulling back period from a relationship, I'm weighing pros/cons of that relationship but ultimately decide it's one less problem to worry about.

Synergy:
Somnus, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  My gut reaction was to be angry at this man for cutting you out, BUT I must say that everyone grieves differently.  It's a strange process to deal with loss, and there's not a formula to it.  Some people need their loved ones close, and others push them away.  I am not excusing his actions because in your shoes, I would actually be pretty upset and hurt.  If everything was fine between you guys before his loss, I would be confused.  Does this fit with his behavior when dealing with stressful/uncomfortable situations? 

For what it's worth, here's my advice... I say, write him a letter.  We don't use that form of communication enough at all, and it allows him the opportunity to "hear" you out without having to necessarily engage in a dialogue.  Tell him your respect his wish for time and that you can only imagine how difficult it must be to deal with something of this nature, but also tell him that no matter what he can count on you to be there for him.  Sometimes being there for someone means giving them time, and you are willing to understand that.  In your own words communicate what you are feeling and thinking in your heart, but don't lose sight of the fact that this is HIS experience.  These are his feelings, and regardless of whether we like them or agree with them or not, he needs to deal with this in his way.  You're also not a toy to be tossed aside, so he has to be aware of your sense of confusion. 

I wish you all the best. Please keep us posted.  BTW, if this goes on longer than a month, I say you make a stronger statement.  You can't push a girlfriend aside for that long without some form of communication other than one line.  The other thing that bothers me is that he lied to you about the death.  That's a little odd, and I do wonder what's behind that... but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because death is really tough for some people to handle. 

Hugs

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page