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Why Can't I Get Over My Ex? by David Braucher, L.C.S.W., Ph.D.

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allbitenobark:
Hello everyone! I don't know where The Vent section is so I guess I'll post this here. I found this article on Psychology Today's website. It's a short read but very insightful, at least for me, but maybe it will be helpful to some of you, too. Hope everyone is well! Remember, Spring is here and new lives and loves await us! xxoo

Why Can't I Get Over My Ex?

We are all familiar with people who have gone through a break up in which persistent thoughts about the ex seem to linger. The relationshi p is over, hopes of reconciliat ion have been exhausted, all communicati on has ceased…and yet the ex retains a special place in the stricken one’s heart. Could this be a good thing? In our apparent reluctance to let go of an ex, we may be holding on to our capacity to love and the feeling of being loving.

Common wisdom tells us we have to purge ourselves of thoughts and feelings about former lovers and partners. When our loving feelings endure after the break-up, we can feel confused and ashamed. Confused, because we think that as long as an ex is on our mind we must not be “over” him or her, that our romantic lives are stalled. Ashamed because we mistake our loving feelings for a desire to reconcile, to be with someone who no longer wants us or with whom we ended a relationshi p.


Compounding all this is the isolation we might feel, particularl y if we have exhausted the patience of friends and families. After all, they have supported us through the relationshi p’s difficultie s and the break-up. Following a prescribed period of mourning, they expect us to move on.

Loving feelings about an ex can continue for any number of reasons. Often enough, folks take this as an indication to attempt reunion. Sometimes this is absolutely right. But frequently the lover realizes his recollected feelings and memories—the internal image of the ex—are distinctly different from the feelings engendered in his or her actual presence.

Learning to distinguish between the internal image of an ex and the actual person can lead to appreciatio n of our own loving feelings. While we may feel consistentl y injured and angry when in the presence of an ex, in our internal world we may be able to access love and compassion for that same person.

Experiencin g our loving self through this internal image can be a powerful motivator during times of struggle. This is similar to imagining a parent being proud of our accomplishm ents, long after he or she is gone.

A year after his break-up, a young man explained to me that he would imagine his ex being proud of him when he accomplishe d a difficult task. The internal image was supportive, proud and dependable. Like a child’s teddy bear or blanket imbued with the special ability to comfort him, this young man’s creative capacity to love, awakened in the relationshi p, endowed the internal image of his ex with the power to help him through his struggles. The internal image signified the loving relationshi p he and his former partner created during the best of times—it was a representat ion of his ability to love.

For years after the end of a five-year romance, a young woman described how she continued to revisit loving memories she had of her ex, the special ”bubble world” they had created together. She remembers their first Christmas together alone in their tiny studio apartment with a found tree branch for a Christmas tree and small gifts they had made for each other. Although her ex broke up with her, recollectin g the feeling of closeness she found in this relationshi p enabled her to remain connected to the loving part of herself.

Our lives are an accumulatio n of loves as well as losses. Sometimes we decide who we want to date based on avoiding the failures of previous relationshi ps. Perhaps instead of focusing on what we didn’t like about our former loves, it might be more helpful to focus on what we liked about how we loved them.

The accumulatio n of internal images of lovers contributes to a richer internal world. These images represent the breath of our loving self. We are strengthene d by the variety of ways in which we can experience ourselves as loving. As the adage goes, we never fall in love the same way twice. We are revealed to ourselves through our relationshi ps. Maybe in some ways all loves are important in allowing us to experience ourselves as loving.

David Braucher, L.C.S.W., Ph.D., is a Candidate at The William Alanson White Institute. He has lectured at the NYU School of Social Work and written on relationshi ps. He is in private practice in Manhattan.

hope4love:
Excellent article! Thanks for sharing.  I think most people try to bury their feelings instead of allowing. What you resist persists.  Time does wonders and for me, I like to remember what drew me to someone and remember him with fondness. And to learn from the experience.
Time is very finite and life is too short to be consumed with negative emotions.

allbitenobark:
I am starting to hear crickets and see tumbleweeds blow by when I stop in here, lol. I haven't had anything manifest as of yet so I understand if others are also not having anything to report but it would be nice to chat with some of you. I dunno. Hope to see some of you in there eventually. Good luck to everyone and I hope this message finds everyone well.

chrys:
I feel the same way Diva.

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