The Psychic Reviews
Relationship Psychology Discussions => My Story => Topic started by: smoothie88 on November 30, 2018, 10:47:29 PM
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I got my heart broken and got thrown into this hole of hurt and confusion, so as most people here do, I went to get reading with psychics. Had in total 9-10 readings since September and spent about $1000. I was looking for closure not opening, ofcourse every time a psychic mention he will open up and reach out and shit I would first laugh at them but also secretly hope they are right but I KNOW with all my heart they are not.
Anyways, the whole point of this post is not to rant but I want to ask people here, what are you doing? What are you hoping to achieve? Some people here have been waiting for a poi who has been out of touch for months if not a year, are you still not over them? Let go and live life. If someone who has been out of your life for so long why are you wasting money to get reading about them for? It’s obsessive and pointless. That’s exactly what I’m telling myself too, please trust me I’m not judging, I’m doing exactly the same, the painful part is I have to see this person daily as we work together exhibits why for me it’s easy to get emotional and want to get a reading every time I feel hurt/upset. I’m just curious to know why don’t you just move on, live life and stop wasting money, what are you hoping to achieve?
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It's mainly what the readers say that keeps me hanging on. I've been to over 50 readers, most on these threads who are meant to be "honest", and every single one said that my ex has feelings and is coming back. I've spoken to a couple of people for free on here too (which is very kind, very kind and I am not holding against them what they say as they're new to it all and offering their insight for free). I spoke recently to a very down to earth guy on Etsy who doesn't look psychic and is honest and as normal as you or I. Genuine. They all said he has feelings for me and would come back. I haven't had any say he won't be back... If they all said he didn't care and wasn't coming back, I think I would have moved on quicker, or even if they said he cares but they can't see him making the effort to reach out to me. It also is about closure. I never got closure from my ex and I am not joking when I say that I had a connection with this man I haven't felt before or since with anyone.. It's a mixture of all of those and I know that if I were to meet someone and I clicked, I'd move on from my ex but if I'm honest - I have been lazy about meeting people because most aren't genuine nowadays. So I guess it's been easier to sit around moping and calling readers about my ex somehow, than keep going through the dating process and getting hurt. But I am actually talking to a few guys at the moment and ready to move on, I've waited a long time and will not be a lady who waits around for years on someone who isn't willing to give me the time of day. "he loves you but this, but that" - if someone loves you, they would come to you. I am disappointed in my ex and alot of readers (apart from the couple of people who helped me on here because they did it for free which is very kind and being new to all this).
There's no excuse for me personally, if my ex loves me as bad as they proclaim he does then where is he? A few said he hasn't realised yet that he is missing and loves me, and he's dating other girls but is slowly beginning to realise because there's a void with them that he didn't have with me.. We haven't spoken for a very long time and I struggle to see how he's "slowly beginning to realise". I have to be honest, at this point in my life I am feeling quite angry at readers. I feel like they're insulting me by saying things like that. I hope I won't get any angry posts for this, you have to realise that in my eyes it looks a little insulting to be told things like that. Would rather be said "he doesn't care, he loves someone else and has forgotten all about you". Because it's most realistic. And yes - I am cutting down alot on readings, I used to call daily.
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It was never so straightforward as just hoping my ex would come back. Years ago I had some weird things happen in my life, that hardly anyone knows about that left me with a lot of unanswered questions. My search for answers was what led me to meet my ex. And it's hard to explain but because of what I had been through, I thought he was probably the only man I could ever be with. I mean despite his faults, he had certain qualities that are very rare, very hard to find. It was very, very hard to lose him. I was prepared to accept the loss if it wasn't meant to be, but of course everyone kept telling me he would be back. So the more readings I got, the harder it was to let go.
Meanwhile I kept hoping a psychic would be able to pick up on the other things that happened in my and explain some things. The ones I asked directly never even understood what I was talking about. I mean nothing, nada, not a clue. The only one who ever came close was Judi, and that was without my even asking about it which was pretty impressive. And she told me some pretty amazing stuff. But she only went so far and then backed off of it and wouldn't go there anymore. It was so disappointing. Instead she tried to get me to let go of the need for answers. That need never goes away and I guess it will be with me until the day I die. I mean what it all came down to was I just wanted some answers, like okay even if I have to lose my ex after everything else I went through...I can accept that, but what is the meaning of it all? Why did I have to go through this? What am I still here for? Unfortunately no one can answer those types of questions.
Parts of my situation were similar. There was more to my situation than meets the eye and I got the same crap from readers. There was an important part to my situation than no reader got. Not even Judi, Divine Love, Kisha, Yona, Karen or any who got recommended to me got. I felt very disappointed because that's a huge part of my situation for me and since the readings were so basic (apart from Kisha but even she didn't amaze me with detail via email) and they didn't pick that up. Judi is a nice lady and I like that she finishes a write up of your reading with her, but I found her way too generic for me. I got the "been working too hard" line that she has told a couple of others I spoke to and she didn't mention the important part. She also said "babe" and my ex never called me that, but names around it. Judi said my ex has been too busy to date which contradicts all readers except Divine Love who said the same.. This is what I mean, I don't trust recommendations anymore because the readers I do get recommended have all been so underwhelming for me.
And with my ex I kinda now how you feel.. When you meet someone who you bond with so well and you get each other, are so similar and alike and this strange connection you haven't felt before or since. It's hurtful.
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There was an important part to my situation than no reader got.
Oh no, I'm sorry they didn't get it for you either. :(
That's what is most disappointing to me after years of readings...no one ever really got it! I tried over a hundred different readers. You'd think at least one of them would have gotten it. Even when I just straight up told them part of the situation (not the whole thing) they just didn't really have any idea what I was talking about.
It showed me that although psychic ability is real...they only understand how to interpret things that are common human experiences. Things they already know about. That's why so many readings sound generic and scripted.
And with my ex I kinda now how you feel.. When you meet someone who you bond with so well and you get each other, are so similar and alike and this strange connection you haven't felt before or since. It's hurtful.
Yes. It still hurts me and I don't know if I will ever get over that. We had a really unique sort of bond with each other. I would never be able to replace that with someone else. That doesn't mean I could never love someone else. But it would be different. Hopefully much better, but there would still be a litle something missing that was unique to my ex and who he was.
What I finally had to accept though, was he changed, he stopped being that person. He really lost himself and lost his way. And I had to get over thinking I could do anything to fix it. For a long time I blamed myself and thought I should have done things differently. But he carved out his path long before he met me, and he had well developed habits of being a jerk. Character is destiny.
this was something i had to let go of also. throughout my life i would blame myself for everything even if i logically knew it wasn't my fault, I would always go through the different what if scenarios and if i could've changed anything. The most profound thing i ever heard was sometimes people do things and it has nothing to do with you. Most of the time it really has nothing to do with us. It's really sad when the person you fell in love with is not who they become. but i think this is where people drift apart. you always hope maybe that version of them will come back but in reality it won't. I feel that the reason why some relationships are hard to let go of is that there is a soul bond. I don't believe all relationships are like that though and i don't believe all people experience them either. I've had brief relationships with people that i felt nothing with and it was extremely easy to move on and there's people i still think about to this day even if they're not in my life. Although i think all this spiritual stuff is a gift and its cool, we have to deal with a lot of lessons that people who are really 3d don't go through. Although i'm grateful for the spiritual side finding me and i can't imagine ever being not spiritual at this point i sometimes wonder how my life would be before all of this awakening stuff. for me, I use psychics more as guidance. when i was younger i just wanted to see who was right and predictions but as i've gotten older i use them more as guidance and what i can do or what i need to know in a situation. i just want to be the best version of me and always looking to how i can improve myself. sure i can go to a shrink but theyre only going to give me one side of the story. what about the spiritual perspective. and i already know everything about myself there is to know so i don't need to pay someone to tell me something i already know. i think its a privacy thing too. I'm extremely private and I wouldn't tell a shrink I dont know or trust my life story. Once theyve seen me and can put a face to the story idk not something I can do. I don't really regret reading with them because they were there when i had noone to talk to or felt lonely or confused and they got me through it.
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There was an important part to my situation than no reader got.
Oh no, I'm sorry they didn't get it for you either. :(
That's what is most disappointing to me after years of readings...no one ever really got it! I tried over a hundred different readers. You'd think at least one of them would have gotten it. Even when I just straight up told them part of the situation (not the whole thing) they just didn't really have any idea what I was talking about.
It showed me that although psychic ability is real...they only understand how to interpret things that are common human experiences. Things they already know about. That's why so many readings sound generic and scripted.
And with my ex I kinda now how you feel.. When you meet someone who you bond with so well and you get each other, are so similar and alike and this strange connection you haven't felt before or since. It's hurtful.
Yes. It still hurts me and I don't know if I will ever get over that. We had a really unique sort of bond with each other. I would never be able to replace that with someone else. That doesn't mean I could never love someone else. But it would be different. Hopefully much better, but there would still be a litle something missing that was unique to my ex and who he was.
What I finally had to accept though, was he changed, he stopped being that person. He really lost himself and lost his way. And I had to get over thinking I could do anything to fix it. For a long time I blamed myself and thought I should have done things differently. But he carved out his path long before he met me, and he had well developed habits of being a jerk. Character is destiny.
Thank you. It wasn't even something that major that would be hard to guess, like with your situation. That's what makes it more disappointing. And I know what you mean about generic readings, I've spoken to people before thinking I had a good reading and it turned out to be the same as my reading, I honestly couldn't even recommend one reader who got it right for me. At least a couple of people have 1 or 2.
And with me, I know it sounds evil but it's easier for me when a person won't and can't change. I'd rather have that than meeting the right person at a wrong time. Because I am quite young, all of the readers blamed his behaviour on him being immature - and yes I'd agree alot of it is immaturity, but I also think there's some stuff that goes way deeper than that. Battles and issues and that rarely changes in a person. A person who is insecure with a really low self esteem, and has abandonment issues isn't just immature. There's more to it.. Again that hardly any picked up. I am fascinated about your situation.. It certainly sounds very unique.
And I agree with Ladya.. Soul people tend to have the worst experiences and toughest ones. With this man I felt something I haven't yet felt with anybody else. When I met him for the first time it was like we "knew" each other. When we very first met and started texting each other, we clicked right away. That's what makes this tough, and probably for Still Tired.
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I don't think it's the same for everyone. Sometimes we really don't know WHY or what we are hoping to achieve during the time we are doing it. Some of us call to get us through a rough emotional time because if we talk to our friends or family about it, we get the old "told you so" or don't get any kind of support or a listening ear at all. Some of us call because we don't feel closure and don't know how to give that to ourselves at the time. Sometimes we feel a "different" kind of connection with a certain person that's rather inexplicable and we don't want to lose it. Each relationship we have presents a different kind of connection. Some are extremely strong to where we feel it on a soul level which makes it VERY HARD if not sometimes impossible to fully let go of and that is one of the biggest reasons why you will see some holding on for years and decades. I believe that when a person is READY to move on, they will, and no one can tell you when that time will come and it isn't right to tell a person when that time should be. We each move at our own pace. .
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I don't think it's the same for everyone. Sometimes we really don't know WHY or what we are hoping to achieve during the time we are doing it. Some of us call to get us through a rough emotional time because if we talk to our friends or family about it, we get the old "told you so" or don't get any kind of support or a listening ear at all. Some of us call because we don't feel closure and don't know how to give that to ourselves at the time. Sometimes we feel a "different" kind of connection with a certain person that's rather inexplicable and we don't want to lose it. Each relationship we have presents a different kind of connection. Some are extremely strong to where we feel it on a soul level which makes it VERY HARD if not sometimes impossible to fully let go of and that is one of the biggest reasons why you will see some holding on for years and decades. I believe that when a person is READY to move on, they will, and no one can tell you when that time will come and it isn't right to tell a person when that time should be. We each move at our own pace.
yessss!!! 100 percent
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Here's my biggest issue. I have trouble deciphering whether or not I'm suppose to be patient and go through the storm with said person to get to the other side of sunshine eventually because that person is meant to be a part of my life, or if I'm suppose to cut said person off because it's just toxic for me and that person isn't meant to be in my life. I'm not sure that any psychic can ever really answer that either. It's hard.
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I appreciate your feedback @stilltired. It's very insightful.
I'm in that confusing place right now. My go to's don't tell me to wait and be patient. They both say he isn't going to change his life anytime soon, which, I can already see that. I'm still stuck in that same place of not really knowing if I should hang on or not. One thing I do know is, that I'm really tired of the pattern of it. I have to break that cycle which is what I'm currently trying to do. However, I think part of breaking that cycle is not only for me to say "No you can't come back to my state of residence and live with me, go to your mom's in another state instead", but also for me not to get back together and just stay friends and sort of explore MY options now and maybe in the future we'll come together in the other way and maybe not. Unfortunately I was forced to this point. In the beginning I used to feel SO SURE that he was the one and we were meant to be, but, now I'm feeling way differently and I'm very unsure. I guess just time will tell but I'm not going to rely on psychics to tell me if he's meant to be or not. Clearly he was meant to be in my life for the time he has, I'm just not sure if that lasts or if it ends at some point permanently. Unless major changes are made, which it's highly probable they won't be made anytime soon, then no, he's not for me.
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@stilltired: I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can still feel your disappointment even though you're glad to be free of it. I'm going through the back and forth with my feelings stage. I feel like it already is clear to me deep down but I'm in denial to a degree still. I'm moving to the stage of acceptance though. The longer it is, the more I get there. I feel it will come to the same result for me as it did for you.
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We seem to be alike a lot. Lol. I'm the same way. It sucks because the flaky ones are always attracted to us (there goes the like attracts like theory in LOA lol). We provide them comfort, security, and stability which they can't provide for themselves yet they enjoy having it. I feel the same way, I wish I wouldn't have ever gotten involved with said person. At this point in time, it really does feel like an absolute waste of 5 years that I can never get back. I hope you didn't spend that much time on yours. Again, I'm really sorry you had to go through so much pain. I hope someone wonderful comes into your life and makes up for it.
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I will be real with you, I believe this is part of the grief process, many people go through the hoping phase and that lasts longer for some than others. I got into getting my own readings (I'm a reader) because I had a great love, like, the kind of love where the lights grow brighter when you two look at eachother. I was in denial about the fact he was actually a piece of crap, despite him being spiritual, psychic, and we would do all the things I used to do on my own, together.
Now, no matter what, this was going to take me a year or two to process. This is grief, this is traumatic loss of deep connection. This is being dicknotized. I filled the time with readings, many said he would come back, and I knew he would too, it was only a matter of time. The only thing people didn't get right is the fact that the "new vision" into the relationship would only last a month or two and then we would be back to square one. Not one time before or after the readings could I or would I have moved on. You don't suddenly move on from love, the type of love that drives someone to seek psychic readings. I was also at a stagnant place in life and career, I have a strong business that I don't like, and I didn't really know where to go.
All of this stuff was propelled forward by these readings.
And I would still have wasted 1 year on this guy NO MATTER WHAT. Not because I loved or had false hope, but because THATS THE GRIEF LOSS PROCESS. When someone dies you dont just magically walk away and feel fine. This is the death of hope and love, its the death of a relationship, and that shit lasts. Some of you will go through 5 years, some of us will escape grief in 1 year, but it will always come and go and youll always think about that person. NO MATTER WHAT FORM the person departs us, we will always think about it. That's grief, guys. We seek mediums and religion when we are about to die or go through great family loss, and psychics when our great loves are not fullfilled. Whether to hear hope or to hear to move on, none of it matters, you'd never move on until you are absolutely ready to anyways.
A saying I heard last night:
"My mom once said to me,
I can tell you over and over to leave the situation, but you wont
until you are ready. One day you
will wake up and realize that this
isnt what you want to feel like
anymore and you'll be done: and I think its important that everyone hears this"
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I will be real with you, I believe this is part of the grief process, many people go through the hoping phase and that lasts longer for some than others. I got into getting my own readings (I'm a reader) because I had a great love, like, the kind of love where the lights grow brighter when you two look at eachother. I was in denial about the fact he was actually a piece of crap, despite him being spiritual, psychic, and we would do all the things I used to do on my own, together.
Now, no matter what, this was going to take me a year or two to process. This is grief, this is traumatic loss of deep connection. This is being dicknotized. I filled the time with readings, many said he would come back, and I knew he would too, it was only a matter of time. The only thing people didn't get right is the fact that the "new vision" into the relationship would only last a month or two and then we would be back to square one. Not one time before or after the readings could I or would I have moved on. You don't suddenly move on from love, the type of love that drives someone to seek psychic readings. I was also at a stagnant place in life and career, I have a strong business that I don't like, and I didn't really know where to go.
All of this stuff was propelled forward by these readings.
And I would still have wasted 1 year on this guy NO MATTER WHAT. Not because I loved or had false hope, but because THATS THE GRIEF LOSS PROCESS. When someone dies you dont just magically walk away and feel fine. This is the death of hope and love, its the death of a relationship, and that shit lasts. Some of you will go through 5 years, some of us will escape grief in 1 year, but it will always come and go and youll always think about that person. NO MATTER WHAT FORM the person departs us, we will always think about it. That's grief, guys. We seek mediums and religion when we are about to die or go through great family loss, and psychics when our great loves are not fullfilled. Whether to hear hope or to hear to move on, none of it matters, you'd never move on until you are absolutely ready to anyways.
A saying I heard last night:
"My mom once said to me,
I can tell you over and over to leave the situation, but you wont
until you are ready. One day you
will wake up and realize that this
isnt what you want to feel like
anymore and you'll be done: and I think its important that everyone hears this"
Great post and I agree 100%!
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I will be real with you, I believe this is part of the grief process, many people go through the hoping phase and that lasts longer for some than others. I got into getting my own readings (I'm a reader) because I had a great love, like, the kind of love where the lights grow brighter when you two look at eachother. I was in denial about the fact he was actually a piece of crap, despite him being spiritual, psychic, and we would do all the things I used to do on my own, together.
Now, no matter what, this was going to take me a year or two to process. This is grief, this is traumatic loss of deep connection. This is being dicknotized. I filled the time with readings, many said he would come back, and I knew he would too, it was only a matter of time. The only thing people didn't get right is the fact that the "new vision" into the relationship would only last a month or two and then we would be back to square one. Not one time before or after the readings could I or would I have moved on. You don't suddenly move on from love, the type of love that drives someone to seek psychic readings. I was also at a stagnant place in life and career, I have a strong business that I don't like, and I didn't really know where to go.
All of this stuff was propelled forward by these readings.
And I would still have wasted 1 year on this guy NO MATTER WHAT. Not because I loved or had false hope, but because THATS THE GRIEF LOSS PROCESS. When someone dies you dont just magically walk away and feel fine. This is the death of hope and love, its the death of a relationship, and that shit lasts. Some of you will go through 5 years, some of us will escape grief in 1 year, but it will always come and go and youll always think about that person. NO MATTER WHAT FORM the person departs us, we will always think about it. That's grief, guys. We seek mediums and religion when we are about to die or go through great family loss, and psychics when our great loves are not fullfilled. Whether to hear hope or to hear to move on, none of it matters, you'd never move on until you are absolutely ready to anyways.
A saying I heard last night:
"My mom once said to me,
I can tell you over and over to leave the situation, but you wont
until you are ready. One day you
will wake up and realize that this
isnt what you want to feel like
anymore and you'll be done: and I think its important that everyone hears this"
I think there's a lot real and true in here and I very much appreciate you posting it. Where I think I take a different view is, yes, you're right that people aren't going to move on until they're truly ready. It doesn't matter how much your friends and family tell you it's over and you need to just take a fresh start -- until you are convinced in your own heart that all hope is lost, you won't progress.
But.
I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.
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I agree. When someone dies, the grieving process is normal and it's seen as normal. When a long, strong bond with a partner who you've been very intimate with and shared lots of your life with ends, you're expected to get over it and move on. That can be difficult.
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I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.
I only disagree because you will have hope regardless of what a reader says, when it comes to intense love connection. Especially for people who do not love often. A few people told me he would not be back, I just laughed. It wouldnt matter if they had been right, no one accepts the loss of hope until they are ready.
"I agree. When someone dies, the grieving process is normal and it's seen as normal. When a long, strong bond with a partner who you've been very intimate with and shared lots of your life with ends, you're expected to get over it and move on. That can be difficult." -This so much. Not only that, but they are still alive so hope can be alive, further, even if the time together was short, a lot of us go through life NEVER experiencing love on a level to get a reading about. And that's great for them, but when you do, especially if you date or fall in love infrequently, this can be just as hard at 2 months or 5 years to lose. It's not even about losing the connection, half the time it's the "what if". And this is a coping mechanism, part of the grieving process. Plus it's nice to hear you will get that job you wanted, in the midst of grieving love lost or what not.
Now this said I have outstanding list of psychics not just in love. And those are true gems, and worth the mucking around in the cold reader sections to find. I won't ever stop getting yearly readings or path readings, I like to get new ideas and see whats coming!
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I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.
I only disagree because you will have hope regardless of what a reader says, when it comes to intense love connection. Especially for people who do not love often. A few people told me he would not be back, I just laughed. It wouldnt matter if they had been right, no one accepts the loss of hope until they are ready.
"I agree. When someone dies, the grieving process is normal and it's seen as normal. When a long, strong bond with a partner who you've been very intimate with and shared lots of your life with ends, you're expected to get over it and move on. That can be difficult." -This so much. Not only that, but they are still alive so hope can be alive, further, even if the time together was short, a lot of us go through life NEVER experiencing love on a level to get a reading about. And that's great for them, but when you do, especially if you date or fall in love infrequently, this can be just as hard at 2 months or 5 years to lose. It's not even about losing the connection, half the time it's the "what if". And this is a coping mechanism, part of the grieving process. Plus it's nice to hear you will get that job you wanted, in the midst of grieving love lost or what not.
Now this said I have outstanding list of psychics not just in love. And those are true gems, and worth the mucking around in the cold reader sections to find. I won't ever stop getting yearly readings or path readings, I like to get new ideas and see whats coming!
What I'm saying is when two people breakup, they're expected to get over it and have to accept it and move on. Bonds can be strong if not stronger than a loved one who passes on. I've been closer to exes than most family members. Of course when my parents die, I'll be in bits.. I don't know how to word this. But I find someone passing less painful *in certain ways*. It hurts to know that your ex and you are still alive and moving on having different lives.. When a loved one passes on, I don't know how to explain but the agonising part is you'll never get to see them again.. But you won't see your ex again even if they're alive. They're practically no longer existant in your life. So it's like a death in my eyes, too. Most of us are on here because we didn't get closure and can't accept that it's really over. We refuse to hear it - just like a death.
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What I'm saying is when two people breakup, they're expected to get over it and have to accept it and move on. Bonds can be strong if not stronger than a loved one who passes on. I've been closer to exes than most family members. Of course when my parents die, I'll be in bits.. I don't know how to word this. But I find someone passing less painful *in certain ways*. It hurts to know that your ex and you are still alive and moving on having different lives.. When a loved one passes on, I don't know how to explain but the agonising part is you'll never get to see them again.. But you won't see your ex again even if they're alive. They're practically no longer existant in your life. So it's like a death in my eyes, too. Most of us are on here because we didn't get closure and can't accept that it's really over. We refuse to hear it - just like a death.
Exactly. And after grief comes anger, then moving forward. So the angry posts here are part of the process as well.
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What I'm saying is when two people breakup, they're expected to get over it and have to accept it and move on. Bonds can be strong if not stronger than a loved one who passes on. I've been closer to exes than most family members. Of course when my parents die, I'll be in bits.. I don't know how to word this. But I find someone passing less painful *in certain ways*. It hurts to know that your ex and you are still alive and moving on having different lives.. When a loved one passes on, I don't know how to explain but the agonising part is you'll never get to see them again.. But you won't see your ex again even if they're alive. They're practically no longer existant in your life. So it's like a death in my eyes, too. Most of us are on here because we didn't get closure and can't accept that it's really over. We refuse to hear it - just like a death.
Exactly. And after grief comes anger, then moving forward. So the angry posts here are part of the process as well.
Yeah I'm at that angry and disappointed stage, now. I'm just bored of it, now. It's weird how grief affects us all differently.
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I think there's a lot real and true in here and I very much appreciate you posting it. Where I think I take a different view is, yes, you're right that people aren't going to move on until they're truly ready. It doesn't matter how much your friends and family tell you it's over and you need to just take a fresh start -- until you are convinced in your own heart that all hope is lost, you won't progress.
But.
I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.
I totally agree with this. Psychics prolong the process and they also make it much more difficult and complicated. And it's for that very reason, because they come across like a divine messenger. And many of them literally present themselves as such, not just as a psychic but they say they are giving you messages from God or the angels.
It makes it very very difficult to listen to yourself and your own instincts when someone purports to be speaking for the almighty.
It's true that I needed a long grieving period, and I was not going to be ready to move on for quite awhile...but, it went on FAR longer than it needed to. And there are different ways of going through that process. It would have been better for me to go through it clear headed, just dealing with the reality that was in front of me, not having psychics telling me so many different things.
It was a huge learning experience for me to see all the things that were hanging me up on this man...which absolutely could have gone by much faster if any of the readers had accurately understood the situation and what was holding me back.
That is fair, that's why I'm ultra careful about what psychics I choose to read with and how I got here.
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I think when our lives become stormy and we get the wind knocked out of us, we look for ANYTHING that can provide some relief. It's almost analogous to when we get sick and take medication. The medication will temporarily make us feel better (i.e. relieve uncomfortable symptoms), but how we truly heal is by allowing time to pass, allowing for our bodies to fight off whatever bacteria or virus invaded it. The medication is just there to temporarily make things a little more comfortable during the process of getting healthy, once again.
I believe calling psychics is that temporary relief to make those unpleasant symptoms a little more tolerable. No doubt we are all uncomfortable and have intrusive thoughts about our POIs in our head at all hours of the day. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud, while other times they aren't as noticeable.
Many times it just doesn't seem fair that they get to live their life happy and most of the time with someone new, while we sit here heartbroken, still being as loyal to them as if we were still together. Isn't that bizarre?
I've felt bad about things for a long time now. I'm a dude, yes, we have feelings too, and we go through the same turmoil that you ladies go through. It's just I think society has conditioned men not to come forward and talk about their unpleasant feelings. I, for one, know I'm a confident man. Having emotions is a part of being a human. If I didn't have them then I would be a robot.
I'm not going to lie, I'm very intelligent. I know a lot about human psychology, human behavior, and in general quite a bit about being a good partner.
For the most part your ex partner thinks about you, even if they are with someone. If they bonded with you then you can pretty much assume that they did not forget about you! Almost all of my exes came back to be with me again. Many times your ex will compare their new partner to you. Also, their new partner may not have any clue how to even be a good partner in general (i.e. meeting their needs, grooming, hygiene, manners, etc...). They think this new partner is everything for them. That is because everything is so new and exciting. Biochemically speaking when we experience love our brain produces dopamine, Oxycontin, and other chemicals that are also produced when someone shoots up heroin. These chemicals are super addictive. This 'high' only lasts a certain time, this is typically called the honeymoon period. Once this honeymoon period ends these chemicals begin to drop significantly. And it's usually during this time these brain chemicals drop where your ex partner realizes what kind of mess they got themselves into. This could be where they discover they made a bad decision. Typically when we make decisions based on emotions those choices end up not being as good as those we could have made by using logic and reasoning.
See, what happens most of the time is our exes fantasize about this new person. But, that's all it is, is a fantasy. They believe this person is everything for them, when in reality 9 times out of 10 things will not work out. They think 'YES! Finally so-and-so is going to meet ALL my unmet needs'. But in reality that is just not the case. Your ex has to solve those issues on their own. If they are relying on another person to meet their needs and make them happy to complete them it's indicative that something is wrong with your ex (i.e. they are not complete/whole and they are searching for someone to complete them, rather than searching for someone to compliment them). How many relationships have you had? How many have been successful? See, the majority of relationships just don't last or they are not successful. So, don't sweat it when you see your ex happy with another person. It likely won't work out. And guess what? When that crumbles apart guess who your ex is going to look back to? You guessed it. They will revisit the idea of a relationship with you. The best part is they will look at the past relationship through rose colored glasses. This means they will be biased and only look at the good elements of what you had together. Enough time has passed for them to forget about the bad times and problems you faced.
Psychologically speaking - and I'm not a professional doctor, therapist, or licensed anything, so take this how you want: everything is related to how we attached to our caregivers during our first two years of life. If we had healthy attachment then when things go sideways in romantic relationships we are more able to move on, because we have had proper attachment. We know that someone else will love us and won't feel as though that (the ex) was the only person that could ever love us. There is also unhealthy attachment and that is where many of us, unfortunately fall. We either have an avoidant attachment style or a preoccupied anxious attachment style. There is also one called disorganized attachment, but that only affects a very small subset of the population (usually those adopted or those that have been in foster-care during their childhood). These unhealthy attachment styles manifest in our romantic relationships because that is what is familiar to us.
In other words we seek partners that can never fulfill our unmet needs. We gravitate towards those partners that mimic our caregivers in a struggle to finally get them to meet our unmet needs, because we never had them met. We were supposed to attach healthily while we were babies, but for whatever reason our caregivers did not do the best job. I'm not bashing parents or caregivers here, because they probably did the best they could, but when push comes to shove, they, many times, failed at meeting our needs.
When this psychology and human behavior is understood it really opens up your eyes. We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us. The action of our partner leaving is only what, on the surface, has caused that band-aid to be ripped off, uncovering all the trauma from our early childhood that we never dealt with. We buried shit for years and years and carry that subconsciously with us. It never leaves us. Not until we deal with it.
I haven't taken any formal psychology courses. I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker. I analyze and think way too much! I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...
What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists. It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them. They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves.
The point of this post is to let you all know that these feelings are perfectly normal, BUT, the reason we feel this way is because we have not dealt with the attachment injuries we had while we were babies. Until that is solved and managed we will repeat this cycle, picking out the wrong partner in an effort for them to meet our needs that we never had met, by our caregivers. We will fall in love, get invested, and ultimately break up, suffering heartache once again.
I'd be happy to expand on any of the above in an effort to help anyone out that is curious.
Your feelings are not disenfranchised - I completely acknowledge them.
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Amen!!!!
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What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists.
Yep! I was like that as a teenager. I read a lot of college textbooks. I saw a psychologist when I was 15 who said outright he couldn't do anything for me because I already knew too much about psychology. Lol.
Psychology has its uses, but I have benefited a lot more from philosophy, in particular evolutionary and political philosophy. I believe the vast majority of problems people have with relationships nowadays result from cultural changes not matching what our brains and bodies have adapted evolutionary strategies for. And a lot of attachment problems and other developmental issues result from those cultural changes.
I agree a lot of people have no business being therapists. They have their own unresolved problems that drew them to wanting to help others and they can have a lot of blind spots. But therapy won't help much anyway if it doesn't show you how to reason your own way through a problem. Some can do that, but some can't reason their way out of a paper bag. And most use a lot of sophistry, which can leave a client worse off than they were when they walked in.
Validation for our feelings is important, and that was what kept me calling psychics because in some ways they gave that to me when no one else did. It was beneficial to an extent but I got very dependent on it. Eventually what snapped me out of it, was to stop focusing so much on my feelings and use logic instead.
I had to face some hard realities to do so but I think that's at the core of why we start calling psychics. The circumstances and underlying psychological reasons may vary but the one common theme is psychics tell us things that are not evident in reality. Those things or may not be true, they may become evident later, or they may prove to be false. But either way, the things they tell us are not evident in reality at the time of the reading.
When we get readings, there's some fundamental desire there to see or know something other than what reality shows us and tells us in that moment. It may be the shock of loss or betrayal - which can be really difficult, even physically as well as emotionally and like you said we look for anything that will bring relief. Readings may be driven by anxiety or suspicion or hypervigilance. Or it may be sheer escapsim.
But in any case, readings are a way of bargaining with reality, a way of looking for life to be something other than what it currently is.
I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.
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I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.
Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it? Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened? You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship! I would be DEVASTATED!!
These people are able to get over it and move on quickly because they had proper healthy attachment from early on. Since they KNOW they will be able to find love again they do not worry, fret, or sulk, simply because to them, they know for sure they will be able to find someone else. They are not dependent or desperate for someone else to love them because they learned to love themselves through healthy attachment and ultimately detachment from caregivers.
I understand what you are cautioning me for, but in reality it's not in fact the loss of the partner that we are upset over, it's the fact we lost the love we thought we had and the ability or inability for that partner to meet our unmet needs. It's crazy to think about. I may be digging in really deep. I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something to chew on. I completely understand where you are coming from. I welcome your thoughts and never judge. Discussion is pretty cool, especially when someone else understands attachment theory!
I'm getting to the point where I'm going to wind down my exposure to psychics. I'll be pulling the plug before the 1st of the year. I won't look back. I read with enough psychics by now that have given me many outcomes, many timeframes, etc....etc....
If she comes back then things will be on my terms. I'll be super careful and will keep my distance. She will have so much to prove to regain both my trust and respect. It can be done, but it's going to be a very difficult challenge for her.
Ladies - what would be some personal boundaries you would respect in a man if you had dumped him and decided to come back to him because A) you felt like you made a mistake or B) nothing else worked out for you?
I know that accepting her back with no consequences would make her not respect me very much and without respect there is no love. So, I'm curious to hear from the ladies what would make you respect a man, specifically boundaries, in the event you decided to go back to your ex partner?
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I think when our lives become stormy and we get the wind knocked out of us, we look for ANYTHING that can provide some relief. It's almost analogous to when we get sick and take medication. The medication will temporarily make us feel better (i.e. relieve uncomfortable symptoms), but how we truly heal is by allowing time to pass, allowing for our bodies to fight off whatever bacteria or virus invaded it. The medication is just there to temporarily make things a little more comfortable during the process of getting healthy, once again.
I believe calling psychics is that temporary relief to make those unpleasant symptoms a little more tolerable. No doubt we are all uncomfortable and have intrusive thoughts about our POIs in our head at all hours of the day. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud, while other times they aren't as noticeable.
Many times it just doesn't seem fair that they get to live their life happy and most of the time with someone new, while we sit here heartbroken, still being as loyal to them as if we were still together. Isn't that bizarre?
I've felt bad about things for a long time now. I'm a dude, yes, we have feelings too, and we go through the same turmoil that you ladies go through. It's just I think society has conditioned men not to come forward and talk about their unpleasant feelings. I, for one, know I'm a confident man. Having emotions is a part of being a human. If I didn't have them then I would be a robot.
I'm not going to lie, I'm very intelligent. I know a lot about human psychology, human behavior, and in general quite a bit about being a good partner.
For the most part your ex partner thinks about you, even if they are with someone. If they bonded with you then you can pretty much assume that they did not forget about you! Almost all of my exes came back to be with me again. Many times your ex will compare their new partner to you. Also, their new partner may not have any clue how to even be a good partner in general (i.e. meeting their needs, grooming, hygiene, manners, etc...). They think this new partner is everything for them. That is because everything is so new and exciting. Biochemically speaking when we experience love our brain produces dopamine, Oxycontin, and other chemicals that are also produced when someone shoots up heroin. These chemicals are super addictive. This 'high' only lasts a certain time, this is typically called the honeymoon period. Once this honeymoon period ends these chemicals begin to drop significantly. And it's usually during this time these brain chemicals drop where your ex partner realizes what kind of mess they got themselves into. This could be where they discover they made a bad decision. Typically when we make decisions based on emotions those choices end up not being as good as those we could have made by using logic and reasoning.
See, what happens most of the time is our exes fantasize about this new person. But, that's all it is, is a fantasy. They believe this person is everything for them, when in reality 9 times out of 10 things will not work out. They think 'YES! Finally so-and-so is going to meet ALL my unmet needs'. But in reality that is just not the case. Your ex has to solve those issues on their own. If they are relying on another person to meet their needs and make them happy to complete them it's indicative that something is wrong with your ex (i.e. they are not complete/whole and they are searching for someone to complete them, rather than searching for someone to compliment them). How many relationships have you had? How many have been successful? See, the majority of relationships just don't last or they are not successful. So, don't sweat it when you see your ex happy with another person. It likely won't work out. And guess what? When that crumbles apart guess who your ex is going to look back to? You guessed it. They will revisit the idea of a relationship with you. The best part is they will look at the past relationship through rose colored glasses. This means they will be biased and only look at the good elements of what you had together. Enough time has passed for them to forget about the bad times and problems you faced.
Psychologically speaking - and I'm not a professional doctor, therapist, or licensed anything, so take this how you want: everything is related to how we attached to our caregivers during our first two years of life. If we had healthy attachment then when things go sideways in romantic relationships we are more able to move on, because we have had proper attachment. We know that someone else will love us and won't feel as though that (the ex) was the only person that could ever love us. There is also unhealthy attachment and that is where many of us, unfortunately fall. We either have an avoidant attachment style or a preoccupied anxious attachment style. There is also one called disorganized attachment, but that only affects a very small subset of the population (usually those adopted or those that have been in foster-care during their childhood). These unhealthy attachment styles manifest in our romantic relationships because that is what is familiar to us.
In other words we seek partners that can never fulfill our unmet needs. We gravitate towards those partners that mimic our caregivers in a struggle to finally get them to meet our unmet needs, because we never had them met. We were supposed to attach healthily while we were babies, but for whatever reason our caregivers did not do the best job. I'm not bashing parents or caregivers here, because they probably did the best they could, but when push comes to shove, they, many times, failed at meeting our needs.
When this psychology and human behavior is understood it really opens up your eyes. We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us. The action of our partner leaving is only what, on the surface, has caused that band-aid to be ripped off, uncovering all the trauma from our early childhood that we never dealt with. We buried shit for years and years and carry that subconsciously with us. It never leaves us. Not until we deal with it.
I haven't taken any formal psychology courses. I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker. I analyze and think way too much! I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...
What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists. It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them. They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves.
The point of this post is to let you all know that these feelings are perfectly normal, BUT, the reason we feel this way is because we have not dealt with the attachment injuries we had while we were babies. Until that is solved and managed we will repeat this cycle, picking out the wrong partner in an effort for them to meet our needs that we never had met, by our caregivers. We will fall in love, get invested, and ultimately break up, suffering heartache once again.
I'd be happy to expand on any of the above in an effort to help anyone out that is curious.
Your feelings are not disenfranchised - I completely acknowledge them.
This............this was profound. Thank you for sharing.
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Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it? Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened? You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship! I would be DEVASTATED!!
I don't know anyone like that...and that sounds shallow to me, or like someone with serious character issues. Maybe an urbanite kind of thing. Not something I would aspire to in any case. There's a nice place in between being devastated, and acting like nothing happened. I think acting like nothing happened is just as indicative of attachment problems, as not being able to let go, maybe more so.
There are lots of reasons why people feel like they may not find love again. People have unique qualities that are not interchangeable or replaceable. When you lose that, it is normal to grieve for awhile. Life circumstances may be different after you break up with someone. We all get older or may feel less attractive at some point. I have health issues and I don't have much energy for a relationship right now. Maybe I won't ever feel up to it again. Life gives us opportunities we never expect, so you never know, but life also takes opportunities away mercilessly as time passes. That's why I still post here, to say to people, don't do what I did, because in the end you will wonder what you missed out on while you were getting readings. Life is too short to spend it focusing on someone who is not there.
Beautiful. Thank you.
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I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.
Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it? Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened? You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship! I would be DEVASTATED!!
These people are able to get over it and move on quickly because they had proper healthy attachment from early on. Since they KNOW they will be able to find love again they do not worry, fret, or sulk, simply because to them, they know for sure they will be able to find someone else. They are not dependent or desperate for someone else to love them because they learned to love themselves through healthy attachment and ultimately detachment from caregivers.
I understand what you are cautioning me for, but in reality it's not in fact the loss of the partner that we are upset over, it's the fact we lost the love we thought we had and the ability or inability for that partner to meet our unmet needs. It's crazy to think about. I may be digging in really deep. I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something to chew on. I completely understand where you are coming from. I welcome your thoughts and never judge. Discussion is pretty cool, especially when someone else understands attachment theory!
I'm getting to the point where I'm going to wind down my exposure to psychics. I'll be pulling the plug before the 1st of the year. I won't look back. I read with enough psychics by now that have given me many outcomes, many timeframes, etc....etc....
If she comes back then things will be on my terms. I'll be super careful and will keep my distance. She will have so much to prove to regain both my trust and respect. It can be done, but it's going to be a very difficult challenge for her.
Ladies - what would be some personal boundaries you would respect in a man if you had dumped him and decided to come back to him because A) you felt like you made a mistake or B) nothing else worked out for you?
I know that accepting her back with no consequences would make her not respect me very much and without respect there is no love. So, I'm curious to hear from the ladies what would make you respect a man, specifically boundaries, in the event you decided to go back to your ex partner?
I'm sorry, but I disagree with this first part. It is perfectly healthy and normal to be hurt over a relationship, especially long term. A bond with someone who you have been intimate with, shared secrets with and your life, been through so many things together is normal to be upset over. So it's okay for people to be upset over grieving of losing others out of our lives, but not relationships? Yes, I obviously think calling psychics and hanging on for months waiting on someone is unhealthy, especially if the relationship is unhealthy and on and off which I have had one myself and it did me no good (talking about my own experiences with that - not anyone directly). But it's perfectly normal for someone to get hurt and take a while to get over a loved one.. I've known perfectly stable people who have good lives reminisce over their exes (which is why they come back and make contact) and look back on the relationship.
Sometimes people have these sudden sparks of melancholy about an ex. I have a friend out of nowhere who said to me he thought about a girl in summer that they both liked each other but things didn't take off and he seemed to be regretful. He said it once and moved on, it doesn't mean he's thinking unhealthy and obsessing over.. I think back to my past and my exes occasionally. I'm over one of them, honest to God. But because they were such a huge part or your life, you shared so much together you do think "Oh, I wonder what he's doing with his life, now?". I don't think that there's anything wrong to grieve over when a relationship breaks down. I've seen perfectly happy stable people grieve over a relationship.. It's how we go about it that shows our deep down issues. We can choose to be sad but carry on with our lives and that's okay. Or we can call psychics and wait around for months on someone (which I have learned my lessons and don't regret the psychic circle because I got to meet so many people and learn so many lessons). And yes - the latter is unhealthy.
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Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it? Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened? You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship! I would be DEVASTATED!!
I don't know anyone like that...and that sounds shallow to me, or like someone with serious character issues. Maybe an urbanite kind of thing. Not something I would aspire to in any case. There's a nice place in between being devastated, and acting like nothing happened. I think acting like nothing happened is just as indicative of attachment problems, as not being able to let go, maybe more so.
There are lots of reasons why people feel like they may not find love again. People have unique qualities that are not interchangeable or replaceable. When you lose that, it is normal to grieve for awhile. Life circumstances may be different after you break up with someone. We all get older or may feel less attractive at some point. I have health issues and I don't have much energy for a relationship right now. Maybe I won't ever feel up to it again. Life gives us opportunities we never expect, so you never know, but life also takes opportunities away mercilessly as time passes. That's why I still post here, to say to people, don't do what I did, because in the end you will wonder what you missed out on while you were getting readings. Life is too short to spend it focusing on someone who is not there.
yes, I agree. I can't see walking away from a relationship that you invested time and emotions in, and just being all "hey I'm ok" a day later..it's normal to grieve and feel loss and sad..and anyone who doesn't sounds like a very cold person.
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I haven't taken any formal psychology courses. I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker. I analyze and think way too much! I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...
What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know. I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did. This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together. Gee! I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma. My guess is no. These people have no business being therapists. It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them. They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves.
So i agree with most of what youre saying but this actually is super wrong and very much bothers me. I spent 6 years studying clinical psychology and have a masters degree and am a full time therapist. You do not know better than a therapist. You dont. There are many different types of therapies and not all therapists are created equal. You likely havent tried every style and kind of therapy, and you also do not possess the experience or basis of learned knowledge for this. Like at all. I can tell by how youre describing your “knowledge”. Half of this is incorrect. Also- yes, attachment style is very relevant, but it does not explain everything, by any means. There are a multitude of factors and theoretical backgeounds that relate to how we function in relationships- and not everything is object relations based (your relationship with your parents)- thats an extremely narrow and freudian view, and is basically archaeic. You have zero understanding of mental illness outside of basic understandings of human psych 101, and no you are not smarter than all your therapists, which by the way you should know they probably picked up on that themselves without you knowing and wrote it into your treatment plan. If you want more explanation or elaboration on my part in this as someone who’s actually studied this please let me know. Until you spend time working with schizophrenic patients, nonverbal patients, or people who have survived incestual sex abuse and severe trauma- please do not hop out the gate saying this. As a woman im not surprised, but its super tiring to hear.
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...and no you are not smarter than all your therapists...
You don't know that. The average iq of psychologists is around 110. Most people don't even really comprehend intelligence more than about one standard deviation higher than their own. Maybe 2 deviations at best, but the ability to relate is really anyway strained at that gap. In most professions, competency and training matter more than compatibility. Iq is a good predictor of competency but I mean it doesn't matter if the person fixing your car is less intelligent than you are, so long as they know what they are doing. When it comes to minds, though, and talk therapy, it is tedious to talk to a therapist with a significantly lower iq.
Well if you knew much about psychology you’d know IQ isnt used in any psychological basis, at all, or taken seriously in the mental health care world. Its not seen as an accurrate measure anymore. Also, IQ is not emotional intelligence, which is what actually matters in the professions. Psychopaths and narcissists can have high IQ’s, and they would also be shit therapists for obvious reasons.
I know what youre saying, and sure there are probably dumb therapists out there believe me i get it “surface level” pinterest advice is annoying as hell, but people dont go to school for 6 years and dedicate their entire lives to clinical research just for one guy who thinks they “get it” to come in and off the bat be like “yo i know more than this person!!”.. which is why i said those same therapists he claimed are dumb with “unresolved trauma” likely know he thinks hes smarter than them before he even had the thought. Trust me, i see this all the time, and its usually adolescents or people with a developmental level of an adolscent with a lot of trust issues and trauma, and its a defense from vulnerability, and its one of the easiest things to spot. Therapists are 9/10 much more observant and aware than people assume, and are just really great at not coming off condescending because that would be idiotic. Do you know how many times a day i “play dumb” to serve a therapeutic purpose? A lot lol. but as far as pure understanding and academic knowledge- no he does not know better and is not smarter than a therapist. he doesnt have the educational background, at all, nor the experience and like i said based on his speaking on it alone , that much is obvious to me.
See. I get it, because ive been to therapists who are a little slower moving than me, i process things quickly and am very self aware- which this person probably is- so someone saying something to me like “using I feel statements is better!” To me is like okay lol, no shit. I need to dig deeper than basic advice.. however I wouldnt chalk that up to the therapists intelligence, but rather their approach/ personal therapuetic style.
Its a bit like an adolescent who argued with his international law professor because he saw a few youtube videos, and thinks theyre smarter than their dumb ol’ parents at age 14. Or a student who took econ 101 and now thinks they can fix the economy. If anything it shows an issue with authority and a deep distrust and fear of rejection/ vulnerability, but i wont get into that right now.
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...and no you are not smarter than all your therapists...
You don't know that. The average iq of psychologists is around 110. Most people don't even really comprehend intelligence more than about one standard deviation higher than their own. Maybe 2 deviations at best, but the ability to relate is really anyway strained at that gap. In most professions, competency and training matter more than compatibility. Iq is a good predictor of competency but I mean it doesn't matter if the person fixing your car is less intelligent than you are, so long as they know what they are doing. When it comes to minds, though, and talk therapy, it is tedious to talk to a therapist with a significantly lower iq.
Well if you knew much about psychology you’d know IQ isnt used in any psychological basis, at all, or taken seriously in the mental health care world. Its not seen as an accurrate measure anymore. Also, IQ is not emotional intelligence, which is what actually matters in the professions. Psychopaths and narcissists can have high IQ’s, and they would also be shit therapists for obvious reasons.
I know what youre saying, and sure there are probably dumb therapists out there believe me i get it “surface level” pinterest advice is annoying as hell, but people dont go to school for 6 years and dedicate their entire lives to clinical research just for one guy who thinks they “get it” to come in and off the bat be like “yo i know more than this person!!”.. which is why i said those same therapists he claimed are dumb with “unresolved trauma” likely know he thinks hes smarter than them before he even had the thought. Trust me, i see this all the time, and its usually adolescents or people with a developmental level of an adolscent with a lot of trust issues and trauma, and its a defense from vulnerability, and its one of the easiest things to spot. Therapists are 9/10 much more observant and aware than people assume, and are just really great at not coming off condescending because that would be idiotic. Do you know how many times a day i “play dumb” to serve a therapeutic purpose? A lot lol. but as far as pure understanding and academic knowledge- no he does not know better and is not smarter than a therapist. he doesnt have the educational background, at all, nor the experience and like i said based on his speaking on it alone , that much is obvious to me.
See. I get it, because ive been to therapists who are a little slower moving than me, i process things quickly and am very self aware- which this person probably is- so someone saying something to me like “using I feel statements is better!” To me is like okay lol, no shit. I need to dig deeper than basic advice.. however I wouldnt chalk that up to the therapists intelligence, but rather their approach/ personal therapuetic style.
Its a bit like an adolescent who argued with his international law professor because he saw a few youtube videos, and thinks theyre smarter than their dumb ol’ parents at age 14. Or a student who took econ 101 and now thinks they can fix the economy. If anything it shows an issue with authority and a deep distrust and fear of rejection/ vulnerability, but i wont get into that right now.
I agree with this post. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves. People nowadays think they can watch a video or read an article and claim they know more than a licensed professional who spent years of their life studying the actual craft. I see it all the time and the funny part when you’ve dedicated time to a particular field you know how much it took and respect other people in other fields and what they have to say. It’s like a kid with a bunch of books on how to get rich telling a millionaire how he should go about making a million. Too many critics with no credentials as I like to say.
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I don't think therapists should be viewed as people who know more than you or who are smarter than you. They should be seen as allies, helping you figure out how to help yourself. Therapy can be very helpful but you have to trust in the process and trust in the therapist.
It shouldn't be a competition of who is better than who. And yes, most therapists have issues themselves which make them good therapists because they can relate to others.
Like in any profession, there are bad ones out there too.
The most important healing aspect of therapy is the relationship you develop with your therapist. Unconditional positive regard should be something very present in the room, and yes some can be judgmental and act superior. Time to find a different one.
I know people whose lives have changed drastically because of therapy. So, at the end of the day, I think therapists help more than they hurt people.
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Credenials aren't everything, they only matter as much as the market and customers decide they are worth. If people find more value in videos or articles, that's what they will rely on.
it's frustrating when you're a professional and have people who spent all of 2 hours looking something up and claim they're experts and argue their point to you. I would never claim to know more than a professional in an area im not well versed in. i just find it disrespectful. I understand DOC's frustration and its hard to understand unless you experience firsthand. its really common nowadays with the internet esp in healthcare. you dont have to agree with them but do deserve a level of respect and if a person thinks they know more, they def don't. the more intellectual a person is the less they claim to know or think they know better than someone else. As socrates said "i know that i know nothing"
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Still tired tried Inboxing you. Isn’t going through. Inbox me
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Credenials aren't everything, they only matter as much as the market and customers decide they are worth. If people find more value in videos or articles, that's what they will rely on.
it's frustrating when you're a professional and have people who spent all of 2 hours looking something up and claim they're experts and argue their point to you. I would never claim to know more than a professional in an area im not well versed in. i just find it disrespectful. I understand DOC's frustration and its hard to understand unless you experience firsthand. its really common nowadays with the internet esp in healthcare. you dont have to agree with them but do deserve a level of respect and if a person thinks they know more, they def don't. the more intellectual a person is the less they claim to know or think they know better than someone else. As socrates said "i know that i know nothing"
Wont argue to any of this really. I see both sides of the coin. I dont think im better than anyone, and any therapist that does isnt a therapist and prob has a bunch of issues- also why would you get into a profession where the purpose and basis is being able to empathize with literally every person!! Even situations where i have to work with for example a convicted rapist. Gotta put that stuff aside, they need help too.. I also would never tell angone what to do as a therapist or even give advice. My job isnt to fix people, its to help them develop the tools to make those choices for themselves. A good piece of advice (ha) if youre going to a therapist btw- if they make assumptions without meeting with you for very long, or give you their opinion off the bat (esp without asked) or tell you what to do- that isnt a good therapist lol, i hope that doesnt happen but hey, there are crazies out there im sure.
I think i was just pointing to the “i have no classes or experience in learning psychology at all but i know better than the psychologists” attitude. Specifically the way he explained attachment theory and described several psych theories (incorrectly).
Idk what to say about psychics but this happens in the medical profession all the time- so thanks to the other poster who articulated this much better than me. Theres a reason for unions and licensing.
Its actually funny because generally if i have a client in a therapy session who walks in and acts superior/ condescending my response is to be like “oh? Wow okay tell me more” and i let them talk. Usually people with narcissistic tendencies do this. But i also sympthize on the other side, because working with the field, half of my frustration is with the system and OTHER people in mental health lol. Never a client.
Ego shouldnt matter at all. Hell ive had jobs with very ill, marginalized people who yelled “fuck you bitch!!” 3x a day and id be like “okay well that hurts me To hear but i think you know how to be respectful, so if youre feeling like you can be respectful later feel free to come to the therapy group!!” lol. People with a big ego are not compatible in our world. So its really hard to come by. Part of beinf a therapist requires a temperpant/disposition for that reason.
Usually someone storming out and saying “therapy doesnt work for me i dont need it!” Just has some stuff to deal with i have zero control over, and i know that, and thats ok. but i do my best to get them whatever help they deserve.
Ive noticed this is not present in psychics. Theyre more just people off the street trying to offer counseling... which is why it can be so dangerous
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I don't think therapists should be viewed as people who know more than you or who are smarter than you. They should be seen as allies, helping you figure out how to help yourself. Therapy can be very helpful but you have to trust in the process and trust in the therapist.
It shouldn't be a competition of who is better than who. And yes, most therapists have issues themselves which make them good therapists because they can relate to others.
Like in any profession, there are bad ones out there too.
The most important healing aspect of therapy is the relationship you develop with your therapist. Unconditional positive regard should be something very present in the room, and yes some can be judgmental and act superior. Time to find a different one.
I know people whose lives have changed drastically because of therapy. So, at the end of the day, I think therapists help more than they hurt people.
Also wanted to add— yes to this! Agree.
Didnt mean to come off like im better or smarter (im not)- most therapists have therapists because they understand the value and importance. Its something i believe everyone deserves. I meant to articulate that people are professionals and state licensed for a reason- i dont think i have all the answers but thats the point. Again my job, and any good therapist would tell you, isnt to give answers or offer advice or tell you what to do. Most of the time its me helping a client make their own decisions, learn skills to cope in healthy ways, etc. and the reason our job isnt telling people what to do, or giving opinions, is just that- we dont know your life or experiences better than you do! No one will ever “know” what its like to be you, be we’d like to try to understand and listen.
Anyway. End of rant. But i hope this helps clarify things and highlights the vital differences, and why psychics are dangerous. Also im pretty wholistic and open, so i get the frustration with medical doctors as well. I guess its upsetting to hear someone incorrectly explain a field of study ive dedicated a huge portion of my life to, one which they have no background in. Theres too much of that today.
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I don't think therapists should be viewed as people who know more than you or who are smarter than you. They should be seen as allies, helping you figure out how to help yourself. Therapy can be very helpful but you have to trust in the process and trust in the therapist.
It shouldn't be a competition of who is better than who. And yes, most therapists have issues themselves which make them good therapists because they can relate to others.
Like in any profession, there are bad ones out there too.
The most important healing aspect of therapy is the relationship you develop with your therapist. Unconditional positive regard should be something very present in the room, and yes some can be judgmental and act superior. Time to find a different one.
I know people whose lives have changed drastically because of therapy. So, at the end of the day, I think therapists help more than they hurt people.
Also wanted to add— yes to this! Agree.
Didnt mean to come off like im better or smarter (im not)- most therapists have therapists because they understand the value and importance. Its something i believe everyone deserves. I meant to articulate that people are professionals and state licensed for a reason- i dont think i have all the answers but thats the point. Again my job, and any good therapist would tell you, isnt to give answers or offer advice or tell you what to do. Most of the time its me helping a client make their own decisions, learn skills to cope in healthy ways, etc. and the reason our job isnt telling people what to do, or giving opinions, is just that- we dont know your life or experiences better than you do! No one will ever “know” what its like to be you, be we’d like to try to understand and listen.
Anyway. End of rant. But i hope this helps clarify things and highlights the vital differences, and why psychics are dangerous. Also im pretty wholistic and open, so i get the frustration with medical doctors as well. I guess its upsetting to hear someone incorrectly explain a field of study ive dedicated a huge portion of my life to, one which they have no background in. Theres too much of that today.
Daughterofcups - it never came across that you insinuated that therapists know better. It's just that some people on this board have this belief that when they go see a therapist, that the therapist will act superior in some way. If they do, then that's not a good therapist. But the good ones are not like that.
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I don't think therapists should be viewed as people who know more than you or who are smarter than you. They should be seen as allies, helping you figure out how to help yourself. Therapy can be very helpful but you have to trust in the process and trust in the therapist.
It shouldn't be a competition of who is better than who. And yes, most therapists have issues themselves which make them good therapists because they can relate to others.
Like in any profession, there are bad ones out there too.
The most important healing aspect of therapy is the relationship you develop with your therapist. Unconditional positive regard should be something very present in the room, and yes some can be judgmental and act superior. Time to find a different one.
I know people whose lives have changed drastically because of therapy. So, at the end of the day, I think therapists help more than they hurt people.
Also wanted to add— yes to this! Agree.
Didnt mean to come off like im better or smarter (im not)- most therapists have therapists because they understand the value and importance. Its something i believe everyone deserves. I meant to articulate that people are professionals and state licensed for a reason- i dont think i have all the answers but thats the point. Again my job, and any good therapist would tell you, isnt to give answers or offer advice or tell you what to do. Most of the time its me helping a client make their own decisions, learn skills to cope in healthy ways, etc. and the reason our job isnt telling people what to do, or giving opinions, is just that- we dont know your life or experiences better than you do! No one will ever “know” what its like to be you, be we’d like to try to understand and listen.
Anyway. End of rant. But i hope this helps clarify things and highlights the vital differences, and why psychics are dangerous. Also im pretty wholistic and open, so i get the frustration with medical doctors as well. I guess its upsetting to hear someone incorrectly explain a field of study ive dedicated a huge portion of my life to, one which they have no background in. Theres too much of that today.
Daughterofcups - it never came across that you insinuated that therapists know better. It's just that some people on this board have this belief that when they go see a therapist, that the therapist will act superior in some way. If they do, then that's not a good therapist. But the good ones are not like that.
Ahh okay good, just making sure! Thanks!Also, spot on. It can be scary being vulnerable and letting someone in in that way. I think a big part of that fear or assumption probably comes from projective thinking on their part