The Psychic Reviews
Relationship Psychology Discussions => The Vent => Topic started by: maroonlight on November 08, 2017, 05:00:43 PM
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So the psychic spree has been over for a few months now...however...
So for weeks I have been dating a very nice, caring, attractive man with all of the qualities that I seek in a partner. We clicked so well at the beginning, and things have been going very well. (At least I thought so)
He recently started opening up to me about the difficulties he feels in regards to where his life is at now. He recently got out of 3 year relationship, as well as got promoted in his job, which is quite hectic. The other night he was texting me long messages about some difficulties going on with his family too, and I could tell his mood was down. I thought he was very happy with his life, but ever since last week he has seemed a little down.
Last night he sent me a long message again talking about all of the difficulties he was facing, and then said that he shouldn't see me anymore, and that he needs to take a break from dating altogether. I asked him to honestly answer if it was because of me, but he said it had nothing to do with me at all said that he was very attracted to me and admired, and he listed all of the positive qualities he sees in me and said that I did nothing to precipitate this.
I sent a few sweet and gentle messages saying that if it wasn't because of me that there's no reason for us to stop seeing each other, and that we could just continue to take things slow. I told him I understood if he needed time and space to himself, and that I didn't want to add to the stress in his life. I lastly said that I wish he would give this another chance, that I have really enjoyed getting to know him and our conversations, and good night, and he replied "Okay. I appreciate it. Lots on my mind these days. Please have a good night and sleep well *sleeping emoji*"
I'm confused.. he hasn't given me a final answer to the messages that I sent, and the last message does not sound like he is completely terminating the relationship. If he was then I don't see why he wouldn't either bluntly say its over or not respond at all.
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Sounds like he's trying to let you down easy...doesn't sound like it's you at all, but he's just not in a space to be in a relationship and he doesn't want to keep you hanging.
I would stop reaching out, and see if he comes back around, but don't wait if that makes sense.
At least he was honest with you though, doesn't sound like a bad guy.
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Sounds like he's trying to let you down easy...doesn't sound like it's you at all, but he's just not in a space to be in a relationship and he doesn't want to keep you hanging.
I would stop reaching out, and see if he comes back around, but don't wait if that makes sense.
At least he was honest with you though, doesn't sound like a bad guy.
Yeah I'm not going to wait around for months like I did with the guys I was calling the psychics about. I won't text him again..I guess I will give it a week or two before saying its done for.
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Sounds like he's trying to let you down easy...doesn't sound like it's you at all, but he's just not in a space to be in a relationship and he doesn't want to keep you hanging.
I would stop reaching out, and see if he comes back around, but don't wait if that makes sense.
At least he was honest with you though, doesn't sound like a bad guy.
Yeah I'm not going to wait around for months like I did with the guys I was calling the psychics about. I won't text him again..I guess I will give it a week or two before saying its done for.
that's all you can do really, pushing him would probably just make him pull back more. sorry to hear this happened. :(
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Ugh. I, too, would have interpreted that as a "non final" answer but from an objective outsider's perspective, it sounds like he's being honest with you and just isn't in the space to make this work / expend the energy to move it forward / invest time. It doesn't sound like it's about you at all, but about him. Kudos to a man who's able to gauge what he is and isn't capable of. This is what it sounds like to me.
Moving forward, give him space. Don't reach out. You've said what you've wanted to say and the ball is in his court now. As another poster said, one foot in front of the other but if you wish, keep the door open. He sounds like a decent guy. If he circles back, great, then you can see where it goes then. And if not, at the very least you had a relationship with an honest person and you can and should look forward to the next one.
Hugs.
Yeah, I agree. Having been through a situation like this recently, I think best thing is to let go and focus on you and let him sort through stuff. It sounds like he is honest AND he likes and respects you, so there is a good chance he'll come back around when he's really ready. Plus, if he said 'lots on my mind', I think any more messages -- even gentle ones -- may seem like a push to him.
I know it's hard to do, but in a way it's a compliment that he doesn't want to keep you on the line while he deals with his drama. Men are very compartmentalized (from the little I understand about them) and a good guy will want to know he has enough to offer when getting involved with someone. If they don't, and especially if they care about you, they do sometimes back off to get sorted out.
Of course the hard part is there is zero guarantee he will so you need to do what's good for you and don't hang on. And remember it still has nothing to do with you. He may not get through his struggle, for example ... and as hard as it is to believe, you are better off without someone who can't get through his drama/baggage/ stuff.
good luck. i know how hard it is. As I said, I had a very similar thing happen ... and that person has circled back into my life (with outcome still TBD). If I had pushed him at the time, I don't think he would have.
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Ugh. I, too, would have interpreted that as a "non final" answer but from an objective outsider's perspective, it sounds like he's being honest with you and just isn't in the space to make this work / expend the energy to move it forward / invest time. It doesn't sound like it's about you at all, but about him. Kudos to a man who's able to gauge what he is and isn't capable of. This is what it sounds like to me.
Moving forward, give him space. Don't reach out. You've said what you've wanted to say and the ball is in his court now. As another poster said, one foot in front of the other but if you wish, keep the door open. He sounds like a decent guy. If he circles back, great, then you can see where it goes then. And if not, at the very least you had a relationship with an honest person and you can and should look forward to the next one.
Hugs.
Yeah, I agree. Having been through a situation like this recently, I think best thing is to let go and focus on you and let him sort through stuff. It sounds like he is honest AND he likes and respects you, so there is a good chance he'll come back around when he's really ready. Plus, if he said 'lots on my mind', I think any more messages -- even gentle ones -- may seem like a push to him.
I know it's hard to do, but in a way it's a compliment that he doesn't want to keep you on the line while he deals with his drama. Men are very compartmentalized (from the little I understand about them) and a good guy will want to know he has enough to offer when getting involved with someone. If they don't, and especially if they care about you, they do sometimes back off to get sorted out.
Of course the hard part is there is zero guarantee he will so you need to do what's good for you and don't hang on. And remember it still has nothing to do with you. He may not get through his struggle, for example ... and as hard as it is to believe, you are better off without someone who can't get through his drama/baggage/ stuff.
good luck. i know how hard it is. As I said, I had a very similar thing happen ... and that person has circled back into my life (with outcome still TBD). If I had pushed him at the time, I don't think he would have.
After how long did he come back ? I'm also in a pretty similar situation... but it's been 2 months now and he still hasn't come back. So I'm losing hope. Right after he told me all this, he would barely respond to me when I tried to talk. Yesterday I tried to talk through social media, he did reply even though it was brief. It's very painful
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** Sorry -- modifying this because it felt like too much personal info. I will PM you Love
Short answer is we've lost touch more than once, and the longest times was about 7 months.
A big part of my part in the experience -- what's helped -- has been learning to detach, put myself first and be objective... and to trust that what is happening is in my own best interest and to let go of trying to control the outcome and the situation. Very, very hard for me as this has raised my own abandonment stuff and I still have giant swings, but I am getting better at managing them and focusing on me. The more I do that, the easier it is too for the guy to be around me without the pressure that I originally oozed. (I say oozed because even though I thought I was pretty cool on the outside, I was VERY excited about him and I think he could sense that and it terrified him.)
A lot of people on the board talk about the POI being a jerk and of course everyone has a variety of different experiences, but if you feel this guy is genuine I say give him the benefit of the doubt, respect his needs now, keep your heart open to it, but DON"T put your life on hold or expect he will get through it all and come back. He might! But it will be better for both of you if you are not waiting in anticipation. If he's anything like my POI, the breakup may have left him very gun shy.
Also -- I think I am repeating myself, but I do believe a key part of the whole thing is self-love and self-honouring. Even though he is so great, if he is not emotionally available then he may not be great for you in the long run. Love yourself enough to accept that there may be something better (and that might be him, once he gets sorted out). In my experience, if I have attracted someone who needs to heal, it often means I have some healing to do too. All I can suggest is focus full force on you. If I could go back to the first time we lost touch -- I'd have done that and I think things may have come around faster... and if they didn't I'd have been in a way better place and saved a LOT of money!
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Honestly hun... it's generally really hard for men to "break it off" with women. By you trying to counter, you weren't showing grace in letting him go, and trusting he'd come back when he was ready. In fact, your response says "I hear you, but my feelings and thoughts are more right and true than yours and how you feel/what you want right now"
...interesting when you think of it that way, huh?
He won't give you a final answer because he already did, to the best of his availability.
Let it go. If he reaches out, great. But he might not, becausee now you've shown you want more than he does, and it sounds like he can't take "more" in his life right now.
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Honestly hun... it's generally really hard for men to "break it off" with women. By you trying to counter, you weren't showing grace in letting him go, and trusting he'd come back when he was ready. In fact, your response says "I hear you, but my feelings and thoughts are more right and true than yours and how you feel/what you want right now"
...interesting when you think of it that way, huh?
He won't give you a final answer because he already did, to the best of his availability.
Let it go. If he reaches out, great. But he might not, becausee now you've shown you want more than he does, and it sounds like he can't take "more" in his life right now.
BRILLIANT!!
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So the psychic spree has been over for a few months now...however...
So for weeks I have been dating a very nice, caring, attractive man with all of the qualities that I seek in a partner. We clicked so well at the beginning, and things have been going very well. (At least I thought so)
He recently started opening up to me about the difficulties he feels in regards to where his life is at now. He recently got out of 3 year relationship, as well as got promoted in his job, which is quite hectic. The other night he was texting me long messages about some difficulties going on with his family too, and I could tell his mood was down. I thought he was very happy with his life, but ever since last week he has seemed a little down.
Last night he sent me a long message again talking about all of the difficulties he was facing, and then said that he shouldn't see me anymore, and that he needs to take a break from dating altogether. I asked him to honestly answer if it was because of me, but he said it had nothing to do with me at all said that he was very attracted to me and admired, and he listed all of the positive qualities he sees in me and said that I did nothing to precipitate this.
I sent a few sweet and gentle messages saying that if it wasn't because of me that there's no reason for us to stop seeing each other, and that we could just continue to take things slow. I told him I understood if he needed time and space to himself, and that I didn't want to add to the stress in his life. I lastly said that I wish he would give this another chance, that I have really enjoyed getting to know him and our conversations, and good night, and he replied "Okay. I appreciate it. Lots on my mind these days. Please have a good night and sleep well *sleeping emoji*"
I'm confused.. he hasn't given me a final answer to the messages that I sent, and the last message does not sound like he is completely terminating the relationship. If he was then I don't see why he wouldn't either bluntly say its over or not respond at all.
I can relate to him and his situation. Once with a POI I was going through very hectic work and family situations so much so that a relationship wasn't even possible at the time. I'm sure my POI expected me to jump on the signs she was giving me and if I were in a better headspace at the time I would've, but I couldn't because things were just way too bad and it never would've worked out. It's unfortunate but often timing is paramount and when the timing is off even a good relationship can come apart.
Like others have said, I wouldn't contact him anymore, allow him to make contact. In the meantime, keep living and forget about readings. The worst thing you can do is get caught up in the cycle of getting readings and then waiting and wishing away precious time.
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In fact, your response says "I hear you, but my feelings and thoughts are more right and true than yours and how you feel/what you want right now"
...interesting when you think of it that way, huh?
Interesting only in the sense that it makes me wonder what this says about you. That's a very cynical and defensive way to interpret what she said.
The guy may or may not really want to break it off, either way it is okay for her to express her feelings and say what she wants. It's a conversation, not a challenge being thrown down. ???
Thank you. Yeah I wasn’t trying to disregard what he was saying..it hurt me a lot and I don’t want him to go. So I was just being honest with him
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Well, with what you wrote here anyway you didn't mention anything that showed you understood where he was coming from and respected his wishes or where he was at. And men live and die on respect. Your response is another way of saying "sure, but sweetie, you're actually wrong and here's what we should do instead".
If he's going to come to that realization, he will do it entirely on his own. That's why it's so important to let men lead, you can't convince a man otherwise when he's thought things through enough to talk about it and make a decision.
People never break things off on a whim, and it's always a difficult conversation to have. He knew you wouldn't want to stop things. So maybe you did say more than you wrote here, but by what you wrote it doesn't look like you saw him and where he's at with love... just wanted to protect your own interests. You could have said something like, I understand and I'm sorry for everything you're dealing with. I enjoyed our time together though so get in touch if you like when you're feeling more up to it, I'll be thinking of you. Then you leave the door open, but you're also being graceful.
It's a harsh way to say things BUT there are huge spiritual concepts behind it. When we love someone, truly, we want their happiness regardless of our own. Secondly, men have subconscious (and sometimes conscious) radar up for when women are trying to take from them (time, money, freedom) without adding or giving anything. And I'm not saying you love him, but the point here is that when someone talks to us about slowing things down or breaking it off they already know we won't like it and will say but wait, baby.
My analysis still stands. I'd be very surprised (but pleasantly!!!) if he did say more to you on the topic.
There's a Chance he reaches back out in several weeks or months when he feels he's more equipped to put time into something.
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Well, with what you wrote here anyway you didn't mention anything that showed you understood where he was coming from and respected his wishes or where he was at. And men live and die on respect. Your response is another way of saying "sure, but sweetie, you're actually wrong and here's what we should do instead".
If he's going to come to that realization, he will do it entirely on his own. That's why it's so important to let men lead, you can't convince a man otherwise when he's thought things through enough to talk about it and make a decision.
People never break things off on a whim, and it's always a difficult conversation to have. He knew you wouldn't want to stop things. So maybe you did say more than you wrote here, but by what you wrote it doesn't look like you saw him and where he's at with love... just wanted to protect your own interests. You could have said something like, I understand and I'm sorry for everything you're dealing with. I enjoyed our time together though so get in touch if you like when you're feeling more up to it, I'll be thinking of you. Then you leave the door open, but you're also being graceful.
It's a harsh way to say things BUT there are huge spiritual concepts behind it. When we love someone, truly, we want their happiness regardless of our own. Secondly, men have subconscious (and sometimes conscious) radar up for when women are trying to take from them (time, money, freedom) without adding or giving anything. And I'm not saying you love him, but the point here is that when someone talks to us about slowing things down or breaking it off they already know we won't like it and will say but wait, baby.
My analysis still stands. I'd be very surprised (but pleasantly!!!) if he did say more to you on the topic.
There's a Chance he reaches back out in several weeks or months when he feels he's more equipped to put time into something.
I told him that I understood he needed time and space and that I didn’t want to add to the stress in his life, but also that I didn’t want him to go. I did write more than I posted here and acknowledged his difficulties.
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Dont' worry darling. It's good that he knows what you want at least if he comes back it will be for something serious and not just for FWB or whatever.
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Dont' worry darling. It's good that he knows what you want at least if he comes back it will be for something serious and not just for FWB or whatever.
Yeah..I guess the good news is that responded to my last message that night and didn’t block me or something..it’s just so hard because he’s all I can think about right now
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Dont' worry darling. It's good that he knows what you want at least if he comes back it will be for something serious and not just for FWB or whatever.
Yeah..I guess the good news is that responded to my last message that night and didn’t block me or something..it’s just so hard because he’s all I can think about right now
Of course why would he block you? You haven't done anything wrong!
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Dont' worry darling. It's good that he knows what you want at least if he comes back it will be for something serious and not just for FWB or whatever.
Yeah..I guess the good news is that responded to my last message that night and didn’t block me or something..it’s just so hard because he’s all I can think about right now
Of course why would he block you? You haven't done anything wrong!
I feel like if he was completely done with me that he would block me so he wouldn’t have to listen to my crap, or just not respond at all.
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Dont' worry darling. It's good that he knows what you want at least if he comes back it will be for something serious and not just for FWB or whatever.
Yeah..I guess the good news is that responded to my last message that night and didn’t block me or something..it’s just so hard because he’s all I can think about right now
Of course why would he block you? You haven't done anything wrong!
I feel like if he was completely done with me that he would block me so he wouldn’t have to listen to my crap, or just not respond at all.
I'm not going to wait months..I am just really hoping that he gets out of this "phase" and comes back.
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Well, with what you wrote here anyway you didn't mention anything that showed you understood where he was coming from and respected his wishes or where he was at.
Yes she did, it's right there in her first post.
People never break things off on a whim, and it's always a difficult conversation to have.
Never? I wouldn't call it a whim, but sometimes people do it on impulse, in the heat of an argument or when feeling a lot of stress and pressure. Not to digress into my story here, but I have done it and very soon after regretted it.
I don't think this guy did it that impulsively, it sounds like he did think it through and wanted to be a gentleman about it. But the way he did it doesn't come across as final and decisive either. It is hesitant. He had the opportunity there to say sorry not right now, or just plain no, but he left it open ended.
I would be more concerned that he's not respecting her feelings by leaving her wondering.
I know that he was stressed out a week or so before he “broke it off.” He kept telling me how he was pondering this and that in his life and it’s been a pretty rough year for him. That’s the part that I really don’t get..not sure if it’s just wishful thinking but he seemed hesitant and left it seemingly open ended in his last response instead of just no. It feels like he is just so stressed out he can’t deal with me on top of everything else.
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Well, with what you wrote here anyway you didn't mention anything that showed you understood where he was coming from and respected his wishes or where he was at.
Yes she did, it's right there in her first post.
People never break things off on a whim, and it's always a difficult conversation to have.
Never? I wouldn't call it a whim, but sometimes people do it on impulse, in the heat of an argument or when feeling a lot of stress and pressure. Not to digress into my story here, but I have done it and very soon after regretted it.
I don't think this guy did it that impulsively, it sounds like he did think it through and wanted to be a gentleman about it. But the way he did it doesn't come across as final and decisive either. It is hesitant. He had the opportunity there to say sorry not right now, or just plain no, but he left it open ended.
I would be more concerned that he's not respecting her feelings by leaving her wondering.
I know that he was stressed out a week or so before he “broke it off.” He kept telling me how he was pondering this and that in his life and it’s been a pretty rough year for him. That’s the part that I really don’t get..not sure if it’s just wishful thinking but he seemed hesitant and left it seemingly open ended in his last response instead of just no. It feels like he is just so stressed out he can’t deal with me on top of everything else.
Sorry I am so slow to post sometimes, I didn't mean to skip over your response.
That is the overall impression I got, not just from what you wrote but empathically I can just feel the stress coming off of him in waves. It's hard to say what he will do though. Sounds like he might be at a crossroads in his life where he is evaluating a lot of things. It may be a case of really bad timing. If there is one thing I have learned, when timing is the issue, it is really out of your hands. There is not much you can do except let it be.
It's good that you were honest about your feelings and wanting him to give it another chance. He sounds like a really nice guy and someone who won't ultimately leave you hanging with no answer. It just may not be the answer you hope for. I know it is hard but even though he didn't leave it as final, I would try to accept it as such. Then if he does come back around, it is a nice surprise. I think most of us here can attest to how much worse it gets if you hold on to hope. I am so sorry this happened.
It’s ok. Thank you. Right now I’m just really in that denial stage where I have a strong hope he will return once things cool down..at the same time I’m afraid he won’t and I will hang on longer than I want to. I have a hard time letting go..it’s so hard and it’s all I have been thinking about ever since it happened Tuesday night. I’m trying as hard as I can to be strong..I just miss him so much
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Hi @maroonlight.
I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.
I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.
Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.
Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.
So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs
Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.
Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.
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Hi @maroonlight.
I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.
I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.
Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.
Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.
So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs
Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.
Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.
i agree with this post and esp what you said about men and revisiting the past. they have a thought process compared to women and often times will forego making contact if they feel it might be too late or they might somehow make a fool of themselves or their ego. men come from a predominantly mental headspace rather than heart centered so if it seems illogical in their thinking they might not do it. @maroonlight i think you should just try to take the energy off him and focus on yourself. ITS SO HARD I KNOW but maybe this time apart is good as it will allow him to sort out his life without draining you and come back or you'll find someone who is better for you that you wouldn't have if you were involved with him. it doesn't like the door is closed at all tbh and i think its better he did it now so if there is a chance of rekindling the relationship can resume from a good place.
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great post doubleoh8...I agree with everything you said.
I wonder though, you mention that the woman reached out and they reconnected...which is great, but you said your friend was dating someone else? See that would bother me, since he apparently got himself in a space to date again seriously but didn't reach out to the girl he was with before...maybe it's my ego, but that would always bother me if I was with him. Like I was second choice.
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yes -- he had dated a bit in the time they were not in contact, but so did she. They had a great connection (initially) ... but didn't get to the point they ever were in a committed relationship. So she wasn't so much an ex as she was someone he had dated and really liked. I can't remember the timelines; it may have been only a month first round and up to a year of separation... and I think he'd kind of assumed that they'd both moved on.
Also re my friend's situation: when you say he "got in a space to date again seriously" it wasn't really that cut and dried. I think round one with the girl (he ended up with) he was NOT in that space, and by the time she reconnected he was in it or getting into it, but not consciously thinking that. It just was. Does that make sense? I think that's common too; that timing is right when it is right and not because we decide 'ok, now I will go out and date someone with the intention of settling down.' In fact, when we plan that -- in a lot of cases -- timing actually isn't right, we just want it to be.
i do think that bigger picture this is a piece women need to get, though. This is generalizing and it may be true in reverse too, but in my experience men are not 100% in until they are... whereas if things are going well then a lot of women can just jump right in at go. Men may seem just as into it -- even be just as into it -- but still keeping their options open until they are certain. Women want to lock it down. And in a way, I think this is where men are wise; I for one have jumped into a number of exclusive, committed relationships, only to find out down the road that in fact this was not the person I really wanted to be/stay with. I've been on both sides of the situation and finally am seeing the benefit of taking it slow, staying open, not jumping, and trusting that things can and will build if they are meant to.
So, back to your question I do think that's ego talking to a large extent and the more you can let that go the more it serves you (speaking to myself as much as anyone here). Where the self-confident voice says 'I really liked that guy; I think I will reach out and see what he's up to" and "it would be nice if we have a chance to try again, but if not I'll be fine"; the insecure (ego-based) voice -- maybe the devil talking into the other ear -- says "If he doesn't come after me, he doesn't care enough ... or I was not enough ... so I will reject him before he rejects me."
What do you think?
Again, maybe different if we were talking about a major relationship where someone broke off an engagement or promise, for example, to deal with personal issues... but maroonlight's situation sounds like it was intense but fairly short-lived. Plus, as Ladya says, depending on the circumstances guys can have a really hard time going back. Remember, they have ego stuff too!
If we want healthy relationships -- which I think ultimately all of us do -- I think being able to recognize and conquer what is holding us back because of ego/insecurity is a major key. AND, I also think that it's good to keep in mind that we're not all in the same place and the same time with our growth. So, yeah, maybe the guy 'should' have reached back out, but maybe his ego held him back. If the connection is that great (as it was in my friends' case) would you really want to let feeling snubbed hold you back from being the braver one and doing the reach out? These 2 -- they are extremely happy together and he has been a bachelor as long as I've know him -- going back about a decade. So big picture, healthy egos rule!
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great post doubleoh8...I agree with everything you said.
I wonder though, you mention that the woman reached out and they reconnected...which is great, but you said your friend was dating someone else? See that would bother me, since he apparently got himself in a space to date again seriously but didn't reach out to the girl he was with before...maybe it's my ego, but that would always bother me if I was with him. Like I was second choice.
I would feel the same way. Like how my ex said he didn't know if he could handle being in a relationship. I would be really mad if I found out he had been with someone else because it would mean he lied about pretty much everything.
Well, certainly fair that you'd be upset. I likely would too... but to be fair my friend did not lie about everything / anything. He was too overwhelmed to consider a relationship at that time. A year (or close to it) went by... and they both dated lightly in that time. Nobody was lied to or mislead.
As Daesung said, a lot depends on the overall context of course.
PS editing this to ad that I may have used the wrong language here -- but when I said he was dating someone else, that did not mean he was in a relationship. He was just dating.
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yes -- he had dated a bit in the time they were not in contact, but so did she. They had a great connection (initially) ... but didn't get to the point they ever were in a committed relationship. So she wasn't so much an ex as she was someone he had dated and really liked. I can't remember the timelines; it may have been only a month first round and up to a year of separation... and I think he'd kind of assumed that they'd both moved on.
Also re my friend's situation: when you say he "got in a space to date again seriously" it wasn't really that cut and dried. I think round one with the girl (he ended up with) he was NOT in that space, and by the time she reconnected he was in it or getting into it, but not consciously thinking that. It just was. Does that make sense? I think that's common too; that timing is right when it is right and not because we decide 'ok, now I will go out and date someone with the intention of settling down.' In fact, when we plan that -- in a lot of cases -- timing actually isn't right, we just want it to be.
i do think that bigger picture this is a piece women need to get, though. This is generalizing and it may be true in reverse too, but in my experience men are not 100% in until they are... whereas if things are going well then a lot of women can just jump right in at go. Men may seem just as into it -- even be just as into it -- but still keeping their options open until they are certain. Women want to lock it down. And in a way, I think this is where men are wise; I for one have jumped into a number of exclusive, committed relationships, only to find out down the road that in fact this was not the person I really wanted to be/stay with. I've been on both sides of the situation and finally am seeing the benefit of taking it slow, staying open, not jumping, and trusting that things can and will build if they are meant to.
So, back to your question I do think that's ego talking to a large extent and the more you can let that go the more it serves you (speaking to myself as much as anyone here). Where the self-confident voice says 'I really liked that guy; I think I will reach out and see what he's up to" and "it would be nice if we have a chance to try again, but if not I'll be fine"; the insecure (ego-based) voice -- maybe the devil talking into the other ear -- says "If he doesn't come after me, he doesn't care enough ... or I was not enough ... so I will reject him before he rejects me."
What do you think?
Again, maybe different if we were talking about a major relationship where someone broke off an engagement or promise, for example, to deal with personal issues... but maroonlight's situation sounds like it was intense but fairly short-lived. Plus, as Ladya says, depending on the circumstances guys can have a really hard time going back. Remember, they have ego stuff too!
If we want healthy relationships -- which I think ultimately all of us do -- I think being able to recognize and conquer what is holding us back because of ego/insecurity is a major key. AND, I also think that it's good to keep in mind that we're not all in the same place and the same time with our growth. So, yeah, maybe the guy 'should' have reached back out, but maybe his ego held him back. If the connection is that great (as it was in my friends' case) would you really want to let feeling snubbed hold you back from being the braver one and doing the reach out? These 2 -- they are extremely happy together and he has been a bachelor as long as I've know him -- going back about a decade. So big picture, healthy egos rule!
I just wonder why he didn’t reach out to her when he was more in a position to date again?
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@sawthelight, re your question: "I just wonder why he didn’t reach out to her when he was more in a position to date again?"
I don't have a solid answer, other than what I've said already (which is mostly me speculating):
- they weren't ever really solidly in a relationship
- he wasn't strategically thinking 'I'm ready for that relationship now'
- he just went back to being ready to date again
- he may have assumed she'd moved on
- he may have felt a bit foolish or not wanted to revisit the past, particularly if worried she'd be angry or hurt
- and lastly, he may just not have felt that they'd developed enough of a connection that he wanted to go back (exclusively) to her. He was certainly open to it when she reached out, but maybe at that point he hadn't 'fallen' for her...
I could try to find out if people really want to know... but I think this last possibility is good to keep in mind. Sometimes we think the connection is so strong the other person must have the same experience... but maybe they didn't. Or maybe they are different types of people, who simply think that another great connection is on the way.
Again -- I don't know the real answer to your question, but I think the reason is some combination of the above. I know he really liked her, but wasn't totally 'in' until a number of dates after they reconnected. They weren't immediately exclusive -- I know that. And I know it was him who decided to suggest that they go to exclusive.
Something I read or heard recently (was it on this board?) was "women commit when they meet the right guy; men commit when the timing is right". Maybe a bit simplistic but maybe there is some truth to that. I think in my friend's case it was a bit about that -- the timing was right, then he reconnected with the girl and was able to view the whole thing with a new and more open perspective....
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Hi @maroonlight.
I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.
I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.
Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.
Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.
So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs
Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.
Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.
Hi doubleoh8, thanks for your post.
I'm done with the psychic binges because those surely didn't do any good for me the last 2 times. I waited several months and called dozens of psychics the last 2 times this happened and nothing but misery came from it. I've already decided as well that I will not hold on and wait for months..
I've decided that in a few weeks if I do not hear from him before then, I am going to contact him one last time. If nothing comes out of it, then I am done. I can't hold on for months with the hope that he will come back. The only reason I have hope that there is potential for reconciliation is because he left it so open ended with his last message, instead of being more blunt and saying it was done. I'm hoping that if he has some time to cool down then he will be up for seeing me again..
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It's not about him wanting to see you again or not, it's about him being ready to see you again in the way you want... if he doesn't wanna see you now, or comit to anyone now, it's because he feels he is not ready and if he doesn't talk to you anymore (like texting as you used to do before I assume) or see you, it's because he doesn't want to make you hope too much too soon,
When he is ready he will be back in touch or respond with interest to your text
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Hi @maroonlight.
I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.
I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.
Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.
Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.
So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs
Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.
Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.
Hi doubleoh8, thanks for your post.
I'm done with the psychic binges because those surely didn't do any good for me the last 2 times. I waited several months and called dozens of psychics the last 2 times this happened and nothing but misery came from it. I've already decided as well that I will not hold on and wait for months..
I've decided that in a few weeks if I do not hear from him before then, I am going to contact him one last time. If nothing comes out of it, then I am done. I can't hold on for months with the hope that he will come back. The only reason I have hope that there is potential for reconciliation is because he left it so open ended with his last message, instead of being more blunt and saying it was done. I'm hoping that if he has some time to cool down then he will be up for seeing me again..
Hi Maroonlight,
Of course you should do whatever feels best / right for you, so if you have a plan that's great.
I think it's so hard to give (and get) advice here, because the other forum users only know part of the story, and the part that's easiest to omit is - what is your role in the whole experience? (I don't mean just you, I mean that for all of us). It's just really hard to be self-reflective, so we are that much more aware of what the other person did or didn't do / say etc., and not as much about what our patterns and behaviours and underlying beliefs are.
All that to say, if this is the 3rd time something similar has happened, maybe consider what's happening for you. For example, are you expecting the guy to just drop off? Or ignoring any red flags that might have indicated he wasn't fully ready? I know I have done both of those things. This time might be a great opportunity to do some of your own work and that will likely result in a shift to everything -- from your perspective to the pattern. For me, the last POI prompted a lot of soul searching and I discovered some previously unconscious negative beliefs about relationship. I'm still working through those, but honestly, it's making a difference in how my inner and worlds look.
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Hi @maroonlight.
I have weighed in already but wanted to say a bit more as I can see this is so difficult for you and I -- like many on here -- have been in your place. It can be excruciating, but the last thing you need to do is make it worse with a zillion calls to psychics. That will only prolong your holding on and -- in my opinion -- push the possibility of you having love come around, with this same person or another, out further.
I am NOT advocating holding on and waiting, but I do think anything is possible for you. From what you wrote, I get that this guy really likes you, made a true effort to have something real (not FWB or flaky), and then communicated like a gentleman when he realized he wasn't up for it.
Here is another positive story to illustrate that things CAN turn around:
I have a friend (male) who met a really great girl about 3-4 years ago. They hit it off right away, dated for a couple of months including a trip away, and then he suddenly (and kindly) broke it off. He was going through a massive amount of stress at the time -- related to work and the death of a parent, plus related family squabbling. He liked her; he simply didn't have the bandwidth to have a relationship at that time. In fact, he would have NOT broken it off if she'd been a casual thing, but because they liked each other and it seemed like something that could develop, he just knew he wasn't up for it.
Several months later (sorry -- I am bad with timing, I'm guessing around 9-12) they reconnected. Now they are living together (moved in about 7 months ago) and he told me they will get married eventually -- that she's for sure the one. It happened once his life settled and he had the emotional and actual time / space for it. ALso, it was her that reached out after so many months. Not with a big expectation, but just to see how he was and reconnect... and it grew from there. Both dated other people in the interim and in fact when she reached out he was dating someone he quite liked, but that second woman had a bit of a drama moment on him and so he chose to let that go and focus on building something with the original one -- who was confident and drama-free.
So, some random thoughts and lots of lessons in there:
- I agree with StillTired that timing really can be the big obstacle and if it is, things are entirely out of your control. He may get through his mess in a few months, or it could be a lot longer
- When someone is feeling pressure, stress and overwhelm, the last thing they want is more pressure. I would be careful about that
- I'd read Seeker's response to your question again. He is the only guy talking on this thread (I think?) and gives a good perspective
- No disrespect to SunshineLuv... and I agree with her in a way, but I think her post is a bit harsh. I agree it's best to respect his wishes for space; but I also think you are entirely entitled to express what you want/hope for. I also think it's a good thing you did so, because now he won't have doubt in his mind about your feelings should he decide he wants to come back around. I would just add that, now that you've done so, you need to trust that he knows and -- to sunshine's post -- gracefully allow him what he needs
Lastly, I wanted to also say that I believe we all have power in our situations and that calling psychics and being put on hold takes this power away from us. In your case, I think that, down the road, if your intuition tells you to, it's ok for you to reconnect with him (as in my friend's story... and my own, in fact). I am not talking about in a few weeks. I am saying once you've really let it go and are feeling free, and if/when you get a pure impulse -- where he's just popping into your mind and you wonder how he is. It's a really different feeling to missing and needing him... I suggest this because, again in my experience and with people I know, sometimes the guy will think he blew it or assume you will have moved on. Often they don't really want to deal with explanations and go back and revisit what was emotional. If you are in a space where you can reach out without expectation (one day), the door can be open.
Again, I don't want the main message here to be to hold on / it can work... I am mostly trying to say you have some control over what happens and the best way forward is to heal your heart and then open it to all possibilities. And, that he may be one of them.
Hi doubleoh8, thanks for your post.
I'm done with the psychic binges because those surely didn't do any good for me the last 2 times. I waited several months and called dozens of psychics the last 2 times this happened and nothing but misery came from it. I've already decided as well that I will not hold on and wait for months..
I've decided that in a few weeks if I do not hear from him before then, I am going to contact him one last time. If nothing comes out of it, then I am done. I can't hold on for months with the hope that he will come back. The only reason I have hope that there is potential for reconciliation is because he left it so open ended with his last message, instead of being more blunt and saying it was done. I'm hoping that if he has some time to cool down then he will be up for seeing me again..
Hi Maroonlight,
Of course you should do whatever feels best / right for you, so if you have a plan that's great.
I think it's so hard to give (and get) advice here, because the other forum users only know part of the story, and the part that's easiest to omit is - what is your role in the whole experience? (I don't mean just you, I mean that for all of us). It's just really hard to be self-reflective, so we are that much more aware of what the other person did or didn't do / say etc., and not as much about what our patterns and behaviours and underlying beliefs are.
All that to say, if this is the 3rd time something similar has happened, maybe consider what's happening for you. For example, are you expecting the guy to just drop off? Or ignoring any red flags that might have indicated he wasn't fully ready? I know I have done both of those things. This time might be a great opportunity to do some of your own work and that will likely result in a shift to everything -- from your perspective to the pattern. For me, the last POI prompted a lot of soul searching and I discovered some previously unconscious negative beliefs about relationship. I'm still working through those, but honestly, it's making a difference in how my inner and worlds look.
There really weren’t any red flags. Everything was going great. I noticed that he was stressed the last time I saw him which was about a week ago and he was then texting me about more things in his life bugging him before breaking it off. When we first met he seemed perfectly fine and ready for a new relationship.
I’m just hoping that it’s all temporary and that he cools down and gives us a chance. The last 2 times it happened were a lot more hopeless because one guy moved away, and the other used me as a booty call. I was just infatuated with both and held on for months..I know this situation stands a much better chance than the last 2, but I’ve already promised myself that I will not hang on for months, that’s why I’m giving it a few weeks and then if nothing happens that’s it..I’m not waiting for him..but his last response was open ended so I don’t think it’s completely over yet
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Oh honey I have been on both sides of the fence. being a single parent I felt relationships were overwhelming for me because I couldn't give the appropriate time to the guy. And I have the one more times I can count where they didn't have time for me. Being an empath myself and reading your words I truly feel he is so overwhelmed with his life. It almost felt chaotic and a relationship is just too overwhelming at the moment. Now I will say if it's good then he will be back. You don't need a psychic to tell you that. It's is common sense. Sometimes people need to take a step back, take a deep breath, reorganize their life and will be right back, or back weeks or months later. The struggle (which I am guilty of) is waiting around for this amazing guy. You hold on to the feelings and memories you created with him which gives you this glimmer of hope that things will turn around. No matter if you wait around for him or choose to "move on" time will still pass no matter what. How you are going to pass the time is what counts and what is emotionally and mentally healthy for you. Sweetie I am in the same boat. And let me tell you I am struggling. But we learn from our lessons and find review pages to type our feelings and keep moving forward. Good luck and God bless.