Hi everyone. It's me again. Last time I posted here was March of 2022. Been a loooooooooong time. Just wanted to give an update again but I wanted to wait a while so that I didn't post updates coming from a temporary emotional space. I wanted to give it time to see how things panned out. So here goes.
For those of you that are new, basically I had been in a terrible relationship for nearly 6 years that ended in June of 2018. Kisha started seeing a new man starting in April of 2018. I read with her 3 to 4 times per year. She continued to see this same man and said we'd meet in a 4 and it would be in the warmer months. At the end of April of 2021, I finally met said person and it wasn't online, it was in person, just like she said. She had told me it would start off slow and I'd be hesitant. All of that happened. The way she described this man was like a dream come true for me because I am so used to getting involved with men that are not very nice (probably due to my childhood trauma and my situation of agoraphobia, I tend to settle for crap).
At first, this man was everything she described and more. He treated me so great, just the way she said he would. However, it was rather short lived. The dream come true like treatment lasted for about three months consistently, although the red flags and cracks were showing here and there. The guy has issues with substance use. The guy had a really traumatic childhood full of abuse by his mother as well. We have very similar backgrounds in an eerie kind of way. The difference is, I chose to take those experiences and be a better person. He chose to take his experiences and become bitter.
So, we moved in together in September of 2021. My son ended up moving to another state. I was devastated because my son and I lived together for the previous 16 years and, again, I'm agoraphobic, so I am dependent on others to go to the store for me etc. My son was my stability, my peace, etc. I know that's not healthy to depend on my own son for those things, but he just naturally provided them at that time after my father died in 2017.
The man I was with began to change for the worse in September of 2021. He began using one of his favorite substances all the way until January of 2022. He then made a complete turn around, quit the substances, started working out, eating healthier etc. However, his treatment of me became worse. He was verbally abusive and very mean and nasty to me. He stopped being the person I had first met for those first three months. He stopped helping around the house, doing anything for me, being loving and kind, even being a friend to me.
In May of 2022, he went backwards and began going out, using substances, not coming home at night until 5 or 6 in the morning. A few times he didn't come home for 4 days. Other times it was 2 days. As of late, he returns between 3 and 6 a.m. (for now). He just goes out like 4 days a week now though. His substances of choice are a switch between cocaine and meth, and when he's doing cocaine he always drinks alcohol along with it. He doesn't touch me, doesn't really speak to me, doesn't show any sort of love and affection etc. I get accused of online cheating constantly. I get called every name under the sun. But then, there are fleeting moments in time where he will turn around and be kind, but it's not that often. He won't communicate about anything at all. When I try to talk to him about anything, he will turn up the TV volume really loud, or put his earbuds in, or cut me off mid sentence and tell me how I just want to complain. When he knows I'm upset, he walks around the house whistling and singing, as though he's joyfully soaking up every tear that I cry. It's been this way since October of 2021. Most of the time we just don't interact much. I've grown very tired of the situation.
I tried to maintain my composure this whole time and handle things in an adult manner, and that is to try to communicate, and since that didn't work, I just say nothing at all. I finally lost my cool on the 31st of January though. He had been telling me how much he loved me etc. last Saturday night, and of course, he was sitting in his man cave doing cocaine from 10:30 p.m. until 9 a.m. Sunday morning when he finally decided to go to sleep. When he woke up later that afternoon, he wouldn't speak to me. I didn't know why (as I usually never do). I didn't even ask why because I'm just tired of it, the constant up and down and emotional and mental torture. I've just stopped caring as much. My sadness and pain has turned to rage. So, later Sunday, he starts questioning me about something I bought myself for my birthday (which was January 26th) because he was convinced that another man purchased it for me. It was a chiropractic tool for neck and back pain that I constantly have. Yet, ask him for a massage, and it's a ginormous NO (even though he used to give them of his own accord all the time during the first 3 months of this relationship). Anyway, I stress myself trying to prove that I do not and never have cheated. I'm 45 years old. I'm so far past that stage in my life. I never was a cheater anyway. Only time I ever cheated was over 20 years ago and it was a revenge cheat (I was young and immature). Idk why I'm explaining all that here but clearly I need to vent.
So, then he leaves later Sunday and he texts me with some stupid comment about how it was cold outside and reminded him of Minnesota. (We live in Colorado). I thought that to be a very random text message considering the fact that he hadn't spoken to me the entire day other than to question me about my back and neck device. He even went so far as to order himself some take out food, for himself only. Sat there and ate it. Offered nothing. But that wasn't surprising because he's done that to me before, on his birthday in July of 2022. His brother had ordered him a take out meal since he lives in another state and offered to order both of us something. This man that I'm with declined the offer and just got stuff for himself. Back to Minnesota text. Two weeks prior I had informed him that some of us were exchanging phone numbers (coworkers) because our company began monitoring our private slack chats so we couldn't vent on there anymore. So his random text mentioning Minnesota finally clicked. One of my coworkers that I exchanged numbers with lives in Minnesota. So, I explained myself yet again and reminded him of what I had told him two weeks prior. He found it funny that I was so irritated by his bs comments and tried to tell me that's not what he was insinuating when he mentioned Minnesota but I know him better than that.
Since knowing him, I've gotten to know that's a huge projector. He tells on himself through his own accusations and insecurities, like constantly. He lies to me a lot to try to hide his drug use so he thinks I lie to hide other things, which I don't. So I started to think to myself, if he's accusing me THIS MUCH out of NOWHERE, then he must be doing it. So I go check his Facebook page, the Facebook he will not add me as a friend on and says it's because he doesn't use it and doesn't want everyone knowing his business, yet he was quick to add me in the beginning of our relationship but then got high and angry with me so he removed me. I see this one female that was liking his posts, so I go to her page and I see he has hearts on every single one of her photos and many of her posts. I know this is so petty, but it says a lot about a person in this day in age. So I confront him with it in an angry rage, screaming and cursing at him. I basically became him that night. I hit him and then I threw his framed pictures at him. I told him how much I hated him and couldn't stand to be around him ever in life and that I was tired of his horrid treatment of me and that I wanted him to move out. He was silent other than saying the female was his friend's cousin and there wasn't anything going on. I don't believe a word he says. I messaged the female and it turns out he was telling the truth but I do not care. I don't feel bad for my outburst of rage, pain, resentment. It had been building for over a year. I had overlooked everything he'd said and done to me, forgave him instantly, only to find him doing the same things over and over again and treating me the same way over and over again.
We have not spoken one word to each other since that night. I don't even care. I'd rather it this way. I don't want to be reeled back in with love bombing just for him to turn around a few hours later or the next day and treat me like shit. However, I did find that Saturday night, he had called a psychic on Keen. I'm assuming that's why he was nice Saturday night, but then woke up Sunday not speaking to me. I'm assuming this dollar store psychic probably provided him with inaccurate information, such as that I'm cheating etc. But, rather than him come to me and ask me about the accuracy of that person's reading, he just believed it and treated me accordingly. He has no clue about the psychic world and just how many are full of shit. I know because I used to have a bad addiction and ran through HUNDREDS of them. That is why I ONLY speak to Kisha. That's it. She's the only truth for me, even if she isn't provided with some information such as the fact that this asshole would turn into a monster.
I had a reading with her back in June of 2022 to which she told me in my love life, I'd experience conflict and arguments and fighting and it would be very stressful for me. She said I'd be dealing with a person that I just wouldn't be able to get through to. He wouldn't listen to me at all. All that happened like immediately after that reading and has not stopped since. I had another reading with her in October 2022 to which she said in my love life, in a 6, I would have a bitter sweet moment because I'd finally start getting back what I've given out to my partner but that getting to that point would be full of hell (not her words, but mine). She said I'd become suspicious of him and feel like I couldn't trust him (that's EXACTLY how I feel and have BEEN feeling for the last two or three months). She said I'd feel like communication was off (yes I feel that way and have been feeling that way also for months and months). She said there would be ok moments and then there would be lots of conflict and that is why when I finally start receiving back what I've given out, it won't be that great for me. It will be bittersweet. She said I'd be thinking about everything I've had to go through to get to that point. Yes, I know myself and that's EXACTLY what will happen. I won't appreciate the efforts any longer because I've had to endure so much hell and I won't trust that those efforts will remain consistent either seeing as how the pattern has been, he'll be kind for a minute, then it's back to the cruel, cold, callous, selfish prick that he typically is. She had also told me that I'd go through a period where I felt like I was starting over. To me, that means the end of a relationship, which is fine because this one is not good for me. She also said that I'd have a change in comfort within my home. That I would feel more comfortable in it. I can't imagine that happening unless he moved out. So, yeah.
I have another reading scheduled for next week on February 9th. I will be back to post an update as to what she says in that one. Part of me feels like I'm angry with her because she told me of this wonderful man that was finally going to treat me properly, and he did, but only for a few months. I'm angry because she didn't tell me the rest. However, the other part of me feels that she was not given that information from the guides because if she had, I would never have engaged and perhaps I needed to engage to learn some life lessons. I don't really know right now. But I still love her and I trust the process of everything. It just isn't easy going through it. That's all for now. I hope everyone else's life is way better and things have improved. I hope everyone's wishes come true and that happiness and peace finds it way to you all.
