Author Topic: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬  (Read 332 times)

Offline Pinkamena

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My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« on: November 28, 2019, 08:22:15 PM »

I am making a 3 day grieving plan... challenge. (Also pretty tacky and narcissistic since today is about giving thanks and totally random...  but maybe it can help others besides myself) Only 3 days because I will need to re-evaluate and I’m so damn angry, yet I also escape to fantasy by calling psychics. So the intent is to also not call psychics either... but overall I’m calling it a “grieving plan” to take initiative on facing my emotional outburst in this painful holiday season. I am currently at that point where I wish I was on full blown antidepressant/psychotic medicine... yet I also know my reasons why I don’t want to be on them... but if I’m not going to be on them there’s a lot of work to be done, here is my promise and check ✅ my self like Nike! It’s not about getting back with him or scheming and it could want to go back to that but no! My promise to my self is to full on do grieving work by facing my shame and anger about psychics and ex. Because I also know it will eat me alive and make me bitter and keep me stuck with calling. This is my intent.

Grieving plan:

1. Accept my pain and anger! Spend the next 3 days every day writing angry letters to my ex then tarring that shit!  Full range time (no limit yet I gave myself a page and saw I still had space)
2. Then letting it go again and again! Tare up these letters... and if it comes up do it again (I only see myself writing one in the morning and at night but who knows if it comes then that’s ok write it and be done with it again and again)
3. Eft (emotional freedom technique 2xs a day. This does take a lot of time for videos I really like on YouTube 30 min)
4. Burpees 10 a day - 30 a day (I need exercise! I was doing to this before and I realized doing my own burpee challenge actually gave my mind a new shift ... and amazing arms! Hope it shows in my abs. But at least 10 a day)
Recognize:
1. It will be hard: remember breathe
2. I will flip flop: I will get into those moment where I think it’s good idea to send these letter, or send apologizing letter! -No!  Just no! Breathe! Try to recognize when I flip flop my emotions
3. I will self blame, I will feel ashamed and guilt and everything I hate feeling: focus on the progress I have made! Make grateful list. Do eft, write letters then stay busy
4. Where does it hurt? Be specific with my pain. This ted talk is about how people get stuck and I really like because it help ease my shame  feelings (https://youtu.be/W6BYAjhjt38 )
Affirmation:
1. I am enough! I value that I am enough! I recognize that I am enough! I am enough!
2. I value that I am enough! I recognize that I value! I radiate that I value! May divine value outburstingly continue to grow in me!
3. I have amazing quick coping skills!
4. I am loved! I radiate it! May divine love be alive in me!
5. I am grateful thank you! I give time to give thanks! I tell people thank you and I let myself be thanked in return
6. What I can’t I give to God! May divine Christ God be alive in me!

After 3 days I need to limit my grieving. I know me I wallow... i hope to limit myself to 30 min to once a day. And will re focus on what I need... but I am so emotionally torn and stuck: I also had binge, fought with ex, cussed him out good (😬😬😬), yelled at my psychics (😬😬😬) ... and after a binge of not only psychics, but also tequila, and horribly hungover last night and finally leaving this morning. I know I need a plan.

This is my promise to myself and hope to update

Offline Pinkamena

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Re: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2019, 08:08:03 PM »
Welp

Failed my grieving challenge... no, not failed just... repeated the same patterns I do. From my journal, eft, burpees... anger comes and goes and moves through... but its from the sadness.

I still chatted and called... a psychic. (Ugh every day) They did get my hopes up... but, I am the one that keep  re traumatizing myself! I’m giving myself PTSD! ...Why? Stop the madness me!

Reviving a tough love grieving plan... dunno what though. I guess
Step one: close accounts (resistant to)
Step two: consider going to gamblers anonymous now that I’m in big city, and I feel that’s closest, i can related to (but scared to, and resistant to. Plus it is a lot of men that go... and i am female that of course can be overwhelming)
Step three gather bills and money I owe (super resistant to)

Does reading old transcripts help? Or make things worse? - ugh I know the answer: it keeps one mind stimulated in psychics... sigh right close accounts... (its a lie to think having transcript prevent readings, while they may record what was transcribed keep prediction in check, it is still stimulation to the brain in whatever addictive cycle i am doing) after this post... argh... end of the day... i can do it...


...ok, step one done and did. Called and closed my keen accounts... for now
« Last Edit: December 02, 2019, 08:13:09 PM by Pinkamena »

Offline njlady

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Re: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2019, 11:15:04 PM »
I have a few journals.  One is letters and letters of me telling certain people exactly what I think and feel.  Of course I'm never going to send them, but it helps to get all my emotions out.  I can see from the letters to each person how I get less angry over time, get a different perspective and then let go of whatever was troubling me.  It gives clarity. 

You are doing "things" to try and avoid calling and it's not working.  Do you know the exact reason why you call?  And I don't mean "he cheated and left me for ____".  I mean the real reason.  I feel abandoned, I don't feel safe, whatever it is. Something is making you not let go.  It's not actually about the guy, it's about what the situation brings up in you.

Why do you want to escape reality?  You can change your life/situation/surroundings/job/hair color...whatever you don't like into something that you really do want.

Offline HornetKick

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Re: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2019, 12:38:14 AM »
I have a few journals.  One is letters and letters of me telling certain people exactly what I think and feel.  Of course I'm never going to send them, but it helps to get all my emotions out.  I can see from the letters to each person how I get less angry over time, get a different perspective and then let go of whatever was troubling me.  It gives clarity. 

You are doing "things" to try and avoid calling and it's not working.  Do you know the exact reason why you call?  And I don't mean "he cheated and left me for ____".  I mean the real reason.  I feel abandoned, I don't feel safe, whatever it is. Something is making you not let go.  It's not actually about the guy, it's about what the situation brings up in you.

Why do you want to escape reality?  You can change your life/situation/surroundings/job/hair color...whatever you don't like into something that you really do want.
Exactly.

Offline Sincity2

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Re: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2019, 12:39:59 AM »
I have a few journals.  One is letters and letters of me telling certain people exactly what I think and feel.  Of course I'm never going to send them, but it helps to get all my emotions out.  I can see from the letters to each person how I get less angry over time, get a different perspective and then let go of whatever was troubling me.  It gives clarity. 

You are doing "things" to try and avoid calling and it's not working.  Do you know the exact reason why you call?  And I don't mean "he cheated and left me for ____".  I mean the real reason.  I feel abandoned, I don't feel safe, whatever it is. Something is making you not let go.  It's not actually about the guy, it's about what the situation brings up in you.

Why do you want to escape reality?  You can change your life/situation/surroundings/job/hair color...whatever you don't like into something that you really do want.

Love this!

Offline Pinkamena

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Re: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2019, 05:37:29 AM »
Well I am surprised I did keep my psychic accounts closed, and i just got back from a gamblers anonymous meeting. I even asked for an extension on a bill... i had utter resistance to do the things that worked on recovery and well being. I am surprised and grateful, want to remember this feeling.

A few hours ago i was devastated because i gave into social curiosity cyberstalking... it made me feel worse, out of compulsion checked on the keen website if my favorites were on, even read my previous prediction (yeah i copied/paste read that... then sobbed to it).

Grab a surfboard of tools, cause its riding the waves.

Thanks NJlady

I think i call because i have no idea what to do with myself if my life isn’t about “taking care of someone”. What am I passionate about? What is my career path? I recently left one job for another, however, the other hasn’t started, and a part of me feels like even rescinding that job. Therefore am I jobless? If I am really going to “focus” on myself, I really need a job with meaning. How does that give meaning into what I do... if i was with him I’d be planning now my summer jobs and where we could be... instead I am forced to think about what i like and where I want to be... and i just draw blank. If I could have a conversation with a friend saying “yes, that break up was terrible thank god i have this hobby to dive into... it is... ____?” 

Of course I feel scared: every day, abandonment, and without purpose. I dunno, don’t think I’m not being specific enough. I don’t know thinking Or dwelling the why of these will bring comfort, just more churching and spinning. Just that I value enough to pick up and move forward, but first comes withdrawal.

Tomorrow is another devastating challenge. To be brutally honest, I don’t have faith/courage/power i can keep accounts closed, Refrain from cyberstalking, or even experience fits of tears and rage (those are probably going to be there, they ain’t going away soon). I am resistant, hateful, and annoyed I have to experience these things... its in my neck, throat, eyes, mind, heart, stomach, and 4inches of outer skin Burn anxiety discomforts... but i do know that it is less from about 10 inches skin pain and anxiety from last weeks event...
(ugh, crap next comes giving Up pot and alcohol, or start refrain a little more- Mmm, ill work on that next week)

Or maybe that is the grieving plan for the next 3 days
1. keep psychics account closed
2. Go to meetings/recovery related
3. Work on finances

Offline Pinkamena

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Re: My 3 day grieving challenge 😬
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2019, 02:11:30 PM »

I really enjoyed illuminatingjoy dealing with resistance ... and it helped pushed thru the day yesterday and i felt inspired to want to jump into manifesting ASAP! but today is now a new day, the icky feelings of heartbreak mostly sadness and denial are there, i re-read some of chat readings from psychics I had lately (actually they’re pissing me off at how much money I spent and this is the general and crappy advice I got wtf?! Especially a from few go-to readers! 😖 and of course all the “well fuck where they right where they not?! “ 😖😖😖. Even obsessed with search button here, to see how other readers worked... but then gave up/stopped myself)
Sigh...I go back to yesterday mantra, and Amy: these feelings are part of it. Not knowing, the heartbreak, This resistance is a part of it. ... and it does it ease up saying that, but the doubts are there, the uncomfortable feelings also there.

So feeling inspired to manifest (which I haven’t been) I created manifesting seduction script via iPhone voice memo, one includes forgiveness and a scenario, that I’m building from, but a mix kind of the lanie Stevens version which has worked for me, and Joseph Alai, the day after and imagining telling a friend the day after of the events. The writing out part felt good, makes me happy and cry, so those feels are there. Then I recorded it via trying to create a hypnosis, which also seemed good! I was proud I got it one take, at least so thought, I could hear my voice. But I tried it and excitedly listened to it as my ultimate last thing I do, to induce sleep, walking myself into a mediation- and it sucked! The feelings were not there!

It also seemed to induce a dream (which I haven’t been dreaming lately) I dreamt of a former crush, he maybe had a crush back but never returned my affections for me, yet at the time I felt so intense about him and wanted it/him so badly! When he left I got over him, out of sight and mind, I last saw he had engagement photos... and yeah it pisses me off, while my feelings for him are at peace and am I also grateful we too were never an item, ugh I’m pissed at being single. (Welp, figured out that dream) I guess I fear this too for my ex. My feeling will change I will be at peace? 😣 somehow with this ex it pisses me off!

I last gave into a psychic reading according to my app counter: 21hrs and 21 min and counting ... ok cool, I intend to make it to 24hrs thus completing a full day cool! Yet can I push myself to 30hr? Can I make it a game? Can I recluse my account? While I do count the days of last contact (and prob not good), I also count the last time I gave into “creeping”/“cyberstalking” because for me this is also an addiction “checking up or double checking” and I am so proud I just hit 24hrs- really super proud of that! Also hope to push thru on 30hrs with this one!

Ok, hopefully I said my peace for the day, and can move forward in the day

 

anything