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Not doing great

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flora0250:
Ugh. You know I was doing really well and now I’ve totally messed up and gone on a binge :( :( I feel awful about it and can’t help convincing myself of the worst. It’s like I’m the opposite of believing the fairy tale readers, instead I’m positively convinced that those giving me a positive outcome are just wrong. And let me make sure this is clear. It’s not an instinct thing. My instinct is like totally gone these days. It’s not like I know in my heart things won’t eork out. It’s that I’m terrified of things going positively and it seems after all this time of crappy relationships that it would be impossible for it to go well so I have the hardest time believing even those that seem to be the best readers when they do tell me anything positive.

Which according to some - means I then CREATE the negative reality I don’t want!!!

Why can’t I just relax and be okay with whatever happens and not worry and just allow the possibility that it COULD be a good outcome?

The readers where I have ended up sharing info - which it’s so hArd NOT to do - have generally given me negative outcome readings. But guess what? Those very few that have just gone off without me saying anything or giving any info? Cookie (at first) - Mattie, Nina... a couple others - have given me the most positive outcome - and I mean that those three in particular didn’t just feed me a fairy tale without any validating info - Shelly even had a positive path ahead - and her markers have passed - several! So why can’t I just relax and stop calling readers who I then tell I haven’t spoken with him in so long and then I doubt if they are really telling me the truth that things won’t work out or if they are just giving me a cold read??

Anyway so this is the vent section. So there’s my vent!!

Miller1336:
I feel the same way today. Very low...sending you a hug.

flora0250:

--- Quote from: Miller1336 on January 22, 2019, 01:45:42 AM ---I feel the same way today. Very low...sending you a hug.

--- End quote ---

Thank you so much - many back your way. I wrote a thread asking people what helped them finally stop getting readings and it was very empowering to me, you might take a look (i happened to see your other post). It is a horrible horrible cycle and all I can think is that I really have to recognize this as an impulse control problem / anxiety issue and I really might need to seek some kind of help or medication or treatment at this point before I completely ruin myself financially and emotionally. I think I have a handle on it ... and then I binge. And even when I have readings I feel positive about that really have been very specific.

So I get a negative reading? My reaction - are you SURE?!? Maybe I gave them leading info and it was a cold read.

I get a positive reading? My reaction - are you SURE?!? Maybe I should see if the most negative readers say the same. THEN I’ll really believe it. Maybe they’re just selling me a fairy tale.

I swear I can’t win. There’s no winning with this cyclical behavior there isn’t.

I don’t know what to say but I know I will get to the point of stopping. Last time it was a couple years and many thousands of dollars. This time it’s been less than a year and I have a lot less money. But still, it’s so hard. So so hard. Thanks again for reaching out and sending strength and hugs back.

Dreamer23:
I totally feel you, it is so so hard. The thought pattern that you are having, I can so relate to that! I don't trust any reader - positive or negative and then I end up getting more readings. It's a cycle.

I feel like one of the ways to break the cycle is to find a way to communicate with POI, then you will at least know what's going on. If that's not possible, then keeping yourself busy is another way.

I hope you feel better soon!!!

flora0250:

--- Quote from: Still tired on January 22, 2019, 04:29:24 AM ---I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to everything you all wrote here in this thread because I have been there, and worse. It does get better I promise. It took me years to break the cycle but I finally did. I hope that no one would have to take as long as I did but you know what? I could have stopped sooner, I just let it become too much of a habit.

No matter what they say in readings...we don't know what will happen, until it happens. Things never turned out as good as the best predictions they gave me, but also, never turned out as bad as the worst ones. The reality usually turns out somewhere in between and life goes on about the same way as usual. They build you up with all sorts of expectations, and that is always going to generate anxiety because it's not in the here and now. It's like you start reacting emotionally to things that haven't even happened yet, and it affects you physically. It helps to focus on what is real, what is tangible, what is literally happening in the moment you are in. That's where life is, real life...it's NOT in stories about the future. The more time we spend caught up in those stories, the less we spend in real life.

I know how hard it is and I remember well why I couldn't just stay with the moment and why I would just keep getting readings. The emotions I felt were just so overwhelming I couldn't even focus my mind on anything. It was sort of like having a panic attack, but it was more complex? Like anxiety anger and grief all rolled up together. When it hit me like that I would binge. The best thing to do is learn what triggers you to go on binges and have a plan for how to handle it. Like I noticed I was really emotionally sensitive about certain things and I had to kind of baby myself about those things for awhile. Not forever but you know just like if you have an injury, a physical injury? You take extra good care of that part of you so it can heal and get stronger. It is the same way with emotional injuries or anxieties.

And maybe get checked out to be sure you don't have something physical going on? When you say, my instinct is gone, I wonder if something is off in your body. There are mineral deficiencies and that sort of thing that can make us more prone to anxiety. Most people don't get enough magnesium these days and it makes a big difference. I also needed iodine. I found out I have asthma and my breathing problems were making my anxiety worse. Whatever it is...even small changes can make a big difference in how you cope. It could be eating or sleeping habits need to change. Take good care of yourself, you are worth it. I wonder if sometimes that's what we try to show ourselves, with readings, like wanting to know we are worth the money we are spending on it? There is no amount of money equal to your worth as a person, and the value of your well-being. So please try not to regret the money already spent, and instead think of ways you could spend it on yourself doing something you truly enjoy, or taking care of yourself.

--- End quote ---
Thank you so much... with all the blah blah blah words I vented you would think I could come up with more than “thank you.” But honestly you are right about everything and I just so much appreciate your taking the time to read and respond and offer support .... I don’t know what else to say. Yes I will focus on reality - the reality being I am still feeling the effects of a marriage that turned emotionally abusive that had lasting impacts in so many ways that it is so hard for me to get back to dating... and to forgive myself a little because this man was the first person I felt any kind of real connection with in years ... so of course it’s hard. But I need to accept this man is not contacting me for whatever reason, either because he’s actually still going through his own divorce journey or because he’s genuinely not into me and lied to me... or whatever the reason it doesn’t really matter.

But I don’t think I’m ready to date again yet. I just am not strong enough to go through the heartbreak again right now if I were to get emotionally invested. Which is hard because I end up by myself a lot. I like myself - I love being alone and doing my own thing I’m very independent -  but it is a long time to be alone again.

Anyway. Thank you again. Thank you and yes I will try to focus on what’s real, keep myself busy, fight the mental demons that make me feel so guilty for spending money on this.

Thank you for all you wrote.

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