Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story

the finale to my drama :)

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Seeker:
Really sorry to hear how long it took, but happy to hear you're overcoming. It's natural to look at yourself as a reason for things going awry because since that other person isn't around to hash it out with you you can only hear your own voice on the matter. I know what it's like, sitting and replaying especially the last moments when you were together, thinking, "did I say or do something that made that person disappear? Should I have done this or that?". I'm all too familiar with that scenario.

Like you, I had to stop beating myself up over what I couldn't control. I began to look at it like this: Suppose I did say or do something that put the person off a bit that day, if their care for me were really strong and real they would look past that and return the way any real friend or loved one would, the way you or I would if we truly cared for that person. Watershed moments like that are a true final exam of the relationship. If a person sees you at your worst and disappears after that they don't belong in your life and their action is telling you so. Seeing you at your worst and still coming back because they accept you is a true sign of loyalty and love, not disappearance. Disappearance certainly isn't loyalty, and what is loyalty without love?

I like the point Still Tired made about POIs having their own personal challenges which can affect the situation. It's a big and important point and one we often ignore because we're so focused on our own feelings and the fairy tale ending. I look at my current POI and realize she has some issues. A beautiful successful woman, certainly, but I knew even when I was around her regularly that she wasn't all there (there were red flags) and her behavior as of late is showing me in bits and pieces that something is not right upstairs with her. The problem for us often is that even knowing that, our heart still wants what it wants. It's like we believe we can either overcome those issues or help/change that person for the better so we're willing to accept that person even while knowing we're probably in for a major challenge.

doubleoh8:

--- Quote from: Seeker on October 20, 2017, 10:46:26 PM ---
I like the point Still Tired made about POIs having their own personal challenges which can affect the situation. It's a big and important point and one we often ignore because we're so focused on our own feelings and the fairy tale ending. I look at my current POI and realize she has some issues. A beautiful successful woman, certainly, but I knew even when I was around her regularly that she wasn't all there (there were red flags) and her behavior as of late is showing me in bits and pieces that something is not right upstairs with her. The problem for us often is that even knowing that, our heart still wants what it wants. It's like we believe we can either overcome those issues or help/change that person for the better so we're willing to accept that person even while knowing we're probably in for a major challenge.

--- End quote ---

I think it may have been me (in another thread today) that made the point about the POI having his/her own challenges and I wanted to elaborate on that a bit. I think the only thing we can really do is look -- and try to heal -- our own stuff. I do believe that when we do that the interest in a POI with too many 'red flags' will wane. I'm not intending to be rude... because I struggle with this same thing... but I think that as long as we stay attracted to someone who isn't returning the interest, and in particular as long as we think maybe we can help/change someone, we still have our own stuff to heal. The help/change piece is one side of the classic co-dependency coin, in fact. There's a weaker person, who appears to need help, and there is a so-called stronger person, who somehow wants/needs to provide that help. In fact this is a control thing... and not truly a strength.

Seeker -- this is what I was going to come back today to say. Like you, I have had a few people not want to fully be with me, but not want to fully walk away. And like you, those people have liked and respected me. But the question I have to ask myself is, why am I accepting people who are not at a place they can give to me? What does that say about me? I think it comes down to self-worth. If I was really convinced of my worth, I would not want to heal/fix/help/wait for someone... So all I'm saying is that while many of our POIs may have massive issues, it might help to focus off their issues and look at ourselves -- why are we pining after people with massive issues in the first place?

HornetKick:

--- Quote from: doubleoh8 on October 21, 2017, 01:06:15 AM ---I think it may have been me (in another thread today) that made the point about the POI having his/her own challenges and I wanted to elaborate on that a bit. I think the only thing we can really do is look -- and try to heal -- our own stuff. I do believe that when we do that the interest in a POI with too many 'red flags' will wane. I'm not intending to be rude... because I struggle with this same thing... but I think that as long as we stay attracted to someone who isn't returning the interest, and in particular as long as we think maybe we can help/change someone, we still have our own stuff to heal. The help/change piece is one side of the classic co-dependency coin, in fact. There's a weaker person, who appears to need help, and there is a so-called stronger person, who somehow wants/needs to provide that help. In fact this is a control thing... and not truly a strength.

Seeker -- this is what I was going to come back today to say. Like you, I have had a few people not want to fully be with me, but not want to fully walk away. And like you, those people have liked and respected me. But the question I have to ask myself is, why am I accepting people who are not at a place they can give to me? What does that say about me? I think it comes down to self-worth. If I was really convinced of my worth, I would not want to heal/fix/help/wait for someone... So all I'm saying is that while many of our POIs may have massive issues, it might help to focus off their issues and look at ourselves -- why are we pining after people with massive issues in the first place?

--- End quote ---

This just made me chuckle. I know so many people like this and they always point the finger at the other person and their issues, while only one person is carrying the relationship and the stronger one always believe it will get better and things will change. They never look inward as to what is broken within themselves to want to be with a person, not working on the other half of the relationship. I find it sad really.

Seeker:

--- Quote from: doubleoh8 on October 21, 2017, 01:06:15 AM ---
I think it may have been me (in another thread today) that made the point about the POI having his/her own challenges and I wanted to elaborate on that a bit. I think the only thing we can really do is look -- and try to heal -- our own stuff. I do believe that when we do that the interest in a POI with too many 'red flags' will wane. I'm not intending to be rude... because I struggle with this same thing... but I think that as long as we stay attracted to someone who isn't returning the interest, and in particular as long as we think maybe we can help/change someone, we still have our own stuff to heal. The help/change piece is one side of the classic co-dependency coin, in fact. There's a weaker person, who appears to need help, and there is a so-called stronger person, who somehow wants/needs to provide that help. In fact this is a control thing... and not truly a strength.

Seeker -- this is what I was going to come back today to say. Like you, I have had a few people not want to fully be with me, but not want to fully walk away. And like you, those people have liked and respected me. But the question I have to ask myself is, why am I accepting people who are not at a place they can give to me? What does that say about me? I think it comes down to self-worth. If I was really convinced of my worth, I would not want to heal/fix/help/wait for someone... So all I'm saying is that while many of our POIs may have massive issues, it might help to focus off their issues and look at ourselves -- why are we pining after people with massive issues in the first place?

--- End quote ---

I tell ya, your insights go right to the root. I love it. A lot of what you say sounds like the conversations I have in my head on this topic.

I was talking with my brother about this the other day and the question came up, "How can someone respect you if they don't talk to you but are just hovering around in your shadow?' I suppose it's possible, but to your point it's not healthy two-fold: Not for the person and not for you if you're accepting of that arrangement.

Personally, I have no illusions about my love life/history. I like many others have had a ton of bad breaks that have affected the way I see things, some good ways, some not so good. But the biggest issue I face is options. Where I live, there aren't many good options and I'm not a picky person so that gives you a good idea of how dry the well is around here. So in my area, when someone comes along that isn't living in the gutter and is actually doing well and is attractive you try to hold on like you've grabbed the Holy Grail because you know it's going to be a long time until someone as good or better comes along. I won't say it's only that though, I genuinely like the woman, but my feelings are fading as I watch her strange behaviors. I realize she probably can't help it, but that's starting to matter to me less and less each day.

doubleoh8:

--- Quote from: Seeker on October 21, 2017, 03:02:35 AM ---
--- Quote from: doubleoh8 on October 21, 2017, 01:06:15 AM ---
I think it may have been me (in another thread today) that made the point about the POI having his/her own challenges and I wanted to elaborate on that a bit. I think the only thing we can really do is look -- and try to heal -- our own stuff. I do believe that when we do that the interest in a POI with too many 'red flags' will wane. I'm not intending to be rude... because I struggle with this same thing... but I think that as long as we stay attracted to someone who isn't returning the interest, and in particular as long as we think maybe we can help/change someone, we still have our own stuff to heal. The help/change piece is one side of the classic co-dependency coin, in fact. There's a weaker person, who appears to need help, and there is a so-called stronger person, who somehow wants/needs to provide that help. In fact this is a control thing... and not truly a strength.

Seeker -- this is what I was going to come back today to say. Like you, I have had a few people not want to fully be with me, but not want to fully walk away. And like you, those people have liked and respected me. But the question I have to ask myself is, why am I accepting people who are not at a place they can give to me? What does that say about me? I think it comes down to self-worth. If I was really convinced of my worth, I would not want to heal/fix/help/wait for someone... So all I'm saying is that while many of our POIs may have massive issues, it might help to focus off their issues and look at ourselves -- why are we pining after people with massive issues in the first place?

--- End quote ---

I tell ya, your insights go right to the root. I love it. A lot of what you say sounds like the conversations I have in my head on this topic.

I was talking with my brother about this the other day and the question came up, "How can someone respect you if they don't talk to you but are just hovering around in your shadow?' I suppose it's possible, but to your point it's not healthy two-fold: Not for the person and not for you if you're accepting of that arrangement.

Personally, I have no illusions about my love life/history. I like many others have had a ton of bad breaks that have affected the way I see things, some good ways, some not so good. But the biggest issue I face is options. Where I live, there aren't many good options and I'm not a picky person so that gives you a good idea of how dry the well is around here. So in my area, when someone comes along that isn't living in the gutter and is actually doing well and is attractive you try to hold on like you've grabbed the Holy Grail because you know it's going to be a long time until someone as good or better comes along. I won't say it's only that though, I genuinely like the woman, but my feelings are fading as I watch her strange behaviors. I realize she probably can't help it, but that's starting to matter to me less and less each day.

--- End quote ---

Yes, well, I suppose I saw a bit of my story in yours. Like you, I'm interested in a relationship that's healthy ... not just any relationship. Good for you for seeing the flags and for not compromising, even though you have limited options. I think for me I've had a fair bit of my own stuff to work through so that -- even though I have had options -- I haven't always made the best choices. Trying to do that now.

Good for you too for seeing that she may not be able to help it; at the end of the day I believe that we're really all just doing out best (even if for some people their best is pretty dysfunctional).

Anyway, I do hope a better option comes along for you soon!

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