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Do any of you think your POI may not come back?

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HornetKick:

--- Quote from: Rediska on March 05, 2017, 09:27:35 PM ---
--- Quote from: sunshineluv7 on March 05, 2017, 06:15:14 PM ---Have to say I STILL don't think it's as black and white as some people put here.

if the man..lives in your area, you haven't known him long, don't have much of a history/nothing "serious" ish happened - then if he disappears, sure, it means he wasn't that into you/into the idea of a relationship/was more into someone else, whatever. And sometimes the sign that he comes back IS the proof he is in love, or maybe was more in love than he realized. I've had guys come back 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, and now 4 years later - (not talking about the one who i love) - and those guys weren't "in love" but they were "in like" enough to come back when they grew up some.

Trust in your connection if you had one. and YOU are the best judge of that. :)

I think a LOT of times men who are in more serious situations "disappear" because - honestly - they don't have the natural communication skills/words to explain what they are feeling/thinking in any way that makes "sense" enough for them to tell us that. They also instinctively know we will likely question and try to talk them out of it and will be upset and so all that together the easier thing is to avoid. And it's not always a definitive thing, from what I've seen it's more often because they don't know what they want to do, it's not a "no" but it's not a "yes" and instead of lead someone on they'd rather figure stuff out on their own and come back/hope it works out once that's all taken care of.

Is that right? No. My guy even said that. He's not saying what he did is right, but he did offer the best explanation he could. did he have concerns about us? Yes. So it's not like it was for absolutely no reason. But I also didn't know what the concerns were, and he didn't have the communication skills to tell me.

So I really think the best or most accurate "conclusion" would be - if a guy disappears for no reason you can guess it, it's because he lacks communication skills that would allow him another way of telling you he needs space. And no, they can't tell you for how long. They like you, but can't go forward at that time for whatever reason, and don't want to officially break it off because they know that you ARE someone they could see themselves with.

AND, when they don't hear from us, they also assume we didn't care much anyway. I've had more than one guy say that to me in the past.

Guys are dense, and not as good at picking up at nuance as we are in communication and sensing feelings and otherwise. Just thinking about flirting, half the time they don't realize you're flirting unless you're very direct!

BUT let's not brush over the most important part of this thread - in BOTH of our cases the impetus for moving things forward or at least opening the communication channel was on OUR sides, taking power in our own lives and saying screw the outcome at least I can try. EVEN when well-meaning readers said don't contact or wait for him, etc.

I WILL say it's true what they say, a LOT of a mans sense of worthiness comes from job/career, and until that piece is in place or if he doesn't know where his future is going, a good man won't really feel like he can position a woman there with him. so if you know there's something around that area going on in his life, you can guess - even if it won't make sense to us as women - because to us relationships are what define us - that you are a distant second, maybe even third.

So you could read this and say a smart woman wouldn't want a man like that anyway - well, sure. But falling in love or pining after someone is not a logical thing, it's an emotional thing. And if we could say "I only want to date someone with X emotional intelligence" -- how would you even find that out, before it's "too late"? Rhetorical question.

--- End quote ---

YES! This EXACTLY describes my situation! You are the only person who see's the other side of situations like these.

Guys, let me say something because I had my POI disappear and there were two reasons for it. First, when I called him out on it via phone call (after he was gone for several months) he was still very much into me. Second, he revealed the reason WHY  there was distance and thus gave me the " but I may call you...." line. If you guys want more details I encourage you to PM me as it'll make more sense. There is someone else in the picture and that has a lot to do with it. And I ain't talking about no girlfriend...

In MY situation, it has nothing to do with "he's not that into you.." and it has nothing to do with me making excuses for him. He knows this himself and even he didn't give me BS excuses. He told me the raw truth thorough and thorough. I got lucky because I think some men tend to feed women with BS just to keep them hooked. I am honest with myself and have no problem revealing if I think someone doesn't like me or doesn't find me attractive, etc. The reasons why I am hesitant of him re-connecting with me is because this man would have to sacrifice his job position and family just to be with me. Oh, and move back to my state. However, going into it he knew this beforehand and still took the risk. Maybe I am insecure or have low self-esteem and despite him being honest and hinting that there could be a future with us, my skeptic side thinks it may be too good to be true despite the words coming out of his month.

So it isn't always so black and white like sunshineluv states. Everyone has different experiences  and we have to try not to lump it into one generalized statement and make a blanket of assumptions. The POI in my case rather keep it in limbo for everything sunshineluv stated (that I edited in bold).

--- End quote ---

Honestly, you're not making any sense. He keeps you in limbo because he has a job/family/circumstances (whatever....fill in the blank) that is at risk so he can't be with you and knowing this, feels it is ok to keep you waiting in limbo on an impossibility because he can see himself with you some day, out in the distance, some place in time?

Did this guy you're referring to ever come back and you're both now in a committed relationship with each other?

Perhaps it's best if I don't understand this scenario.

HornetKick:

--- Quote from: sunshineluv7 on March 05, 2017, 10:44:01 PM ---Oh yeah - my primary person even said he was protecting himself, every time he blanked out on me. So he definitely wasn't thinking about me first. But not everyone is 100% emotionally healthy 100% of the their life.

But it's all decisions we make as far as what we will accept. This guy I have known longer than most marriages last, so I know his character. While he may be screwy in this area of his life right now, for the most part the reason I hung in there is because I have years and years of him being an amazing person and friend to me. And when things are good, they are amazing. Nobody ever truly replaced him, though I did try for ... a long time, before we got romantic the second time. So now, I'm at a place in my life where my dating life is kind of quiet, and I had him working out his "stuff" in the background with some really great romantic rendezvous in the middle, intermittently. there's probably been 3-4 other men I've gone on a handful of dates with since our romantic side picked back up, but, nobody who i wanted to spend more time with. I've been focusing a lot on my career and really just killing it there.

Do I consider myself a doormat? Hell to the no. Did I get back with any guy who came back as I mentioned in that post? Nope. I'd hear them out, maybe go out for a date but usually my feelings were gone and one date is as far as I'd let it go.

Do I think there is a risk of people "making excuses"? Sure. Do I feel I am? I ask myself that sometimes, but at the end of the day I am okay with how I'm handling this - and that's all that matters to me - since at the end of the day it's my life. I still try/tried to keep my options open AND keep him open as an option, and I am fine with that decision. Even though I know it would have to be someone kind of amazing to really make me close the door on him.

So, if his "cave" now lasts ..a while again, I just go right back to what I was doing before.

People aren't perfect. They make mistakes. They do the best they can at the time. And sometimes that "best" is pretty $hitty. Heck, if you look at the way best friends and family members treat each other at times you'd wonder why anyone stays in each other's lives. The answer? Because if there really is love there, then you always forgive. Because that is what love does. It isn't based on what a person does or doesn't do, it's based on the fact that you love that person, and if they are sorry you forgive them -- and do what you can with boundaries to protect yourself as much as you deem necessary.

--- End quote ---

Seriously?? Do you know how many abused women return to abusive men with the claims that you've made? A man broke a woman's jaw, he said he was sorry, and she forgave him. A man shot a woman's face off and she was prepared to go back to him after his apology and when he gets out of jail, but her friends intervened, got her into therapy and she had an incredible face transplant to get her life back.

sunshineluv7:
Oh and yes, I own why men love bitches - she has another one, why men marry bitches - not as good - why men love bitches was a great help to me when I was like, early 20's. I was pretty clueless back then. :D 

sunshineluv7:
...That's actually the entire foundation of Christianity - that definition of selfless love. It doesn't say forgive and rush back into their arms. It says forgive and set boundaries. And forgiveness is really just for ourselves, anyway.

And yes, sometimes that boundary can be "I don't answer the phone when you call".

ladya:

--- Quote from: sunshineluv7 on March 05, 2017, 10:44:01 PM ---Oh yeah - my primary person even said he was protecting himself, every time he blanked out on me. So he definitely wasn't thinking about me first. But not everyone is 100% emotionally healthy 100% of the their life.

But it's all decisions we make as far as what we will accept. This guy I have known longer than most marriages last, so I know his character. While he may be screwy in this area of his life right now, for the most part the reason I hung in there is because I have years and years of him being an amazing person and friend to me. And when things are good, they are amazing. Nobody ever truly replaced him, though I did try for ... a long time, before we got romantic the second time. So now, I'm at a place in my life where my dating life is kind of quiet, and I had him working out his "stuff" in the background with some really great romantic rendezvous in the middle, intermittently. there's probably been 3-4 other men I've gone on a handful of dates with since our romantic side picked back up, but, nobody who i wanted to spend more time with. I've been focusing a lot on my career and really just killing it there.

Do I consider myself a doormat? Hell to the no. Did I get back with any guy who came back as I mentioned in that post? Nope. I'd hear them out, maybe go out for a date but usually my feelings were gone and one date is as far as I'd let it go.

Do I think there is a risk of people "making excuses"? Sure. Do I feel I am? I ask myself that sometimes, but at the end of the day I am okay with how I'm handling this - and that's all that matters to me - since at the end of the day it's my life. I still try/tried to keep my options open AND keep him open as an option, and I am fine with that decision. Even though I know it would have to be someone kind of amazing to really make me close the door on him.

So, if his "cave" now lasts ..a while again, I just go right back to what I was doing before.

People aren't perfect. They make mistakes. They do the best they can at the time. And sometimes that "best" is pretty $hitty. Heck, if you look at the way best friends and family members treat each other at times you'd wonder why anyone stays in each other's lives. The answer? Because if there really is love there, then you always forgive. Because that is what love does. It isn't based on what a person does or doesn't do, it's based on the fact that you love that person, and if they are sorry you forgive them -- and do what you can with boundaries to protect yourself as much as you deem necessary.

--- End quote ---

I have to agree with this. I feel like it's really hard to find someone that you genuinely click with and if you're going out dating other men while having one who has some things going on but you jive well with them everyone will say to go for the guys who are giving you the attention even if the connection isn't strong. I personally wouldn't. I think everyone's situation is different and things aren't as black and white as it may seem. i have been in situations where i swore i never put myself in but did end up in anyways. Just because someone is all about you and doing all the things a man should be doing doesn't automatically make him a better catch if you feel an ok connection with them. i think men are very complicated in that they run when they're scared no matter the age. They're not like females who express themselves more easily. If i find a deep connection with someone im more willing to deal with their shit even if i so called deserve a man who gives me all their attention and is ready. You just have to know the type of man youre dealing with and whether hes just playing you or he has things going on. You can call these excuses but if i have a man thats treating me like a queen and i'm not feeling a really strong connection with them i probably won't give them the time of day even though to everyone else he can be an amazing catch. Life isn't that simple and dating is definitely not that simple especially nowadays. Everyone's got issues - you just have to know what youre willing to put up with and don't be a doormat or compromise who you are and your needs/wants.

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